By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Recognize the dangers of abusive leadership and toxic church cultures.

(2) Value the role of women in the church and treat women with Christlike respect.

(3) Respond properly to accusations of sin against church leaders.

(4) Pursue biblical reconciliation in cases of conflict between believers.

► Each student should write or recite 2 Peter 3:9 from memory.

► From what you learned in Lesson 7, each student should share one practical idea for reaching prodigal children.

The content in this lesson is quite heavy. If members of the class have been hurt by other believers, they may be tempted to share more information than is appropriate in a public setting. Begin the class by explaining to everyone that we are studying principles for dealing with offenses between believers, but that this is not a time for criticizing other believers who are not present.

Hannah went to her pastor with a serious problem. Hannah’s husband, John, was a board member in their local church. He was a respected businessman and a generous donor to the church. But Hannah had just learned from their 9-year-old daughter that her husband had been sexually abusing her. After listening to her daughter, Hannah began to search the house. She found pictures that revealed her husband’s addiction to child pornography.

Before talking with her husband, Hannah went to their pastor to ask for advice. She showed him the evidence of her husband’s guilt and asked, “What should I do?”

Her pastor said, “Let me pray about how to proceed. In a few days, I will meet with you and your husband together and confront him with this crime. Together, we will contact the proper authorities.” Hannah trusted that her pastor would act wisely.

Over the next few days, she carefully protected her daughter while waiting for the pastor’s response. On Sunday morning, Hannah went to church, expecting a solution. However, at the end of the service, the pastor announced to the congregation, “Elder John is a godly man and a leader in our church. Sadly, his wife no longer submits to her husband’s authority. In fact, she is trying to destroy the reputation of this man of God. Because of this, Hannah can no longer be part of our congregation.” The pastor had decided that it was better to ignore Hannah’s pain than to lose the support of a generous donor.

Six months later, John was arrested for raping a teenage girl in the community. Sadly, the pastor who publicly condemned Hannah has never apologized for his actions. When someone asked him about this event, he responded, “I am a man of God. I do not have to answer questions from anyone but God.”

Some of the greatest suffering that believers can experience comes from within the church. When believers disagree, when conflicts are mishandled, or when power is abused, the wounds cut deep. This is because the church is meant to be a place of refuge, healing, and safety. In this lesson, we will study some of the most common ways believers hurt one another, and we will see biblical ways of responding to conflict in the church.

► What are some ways that you have seen believers hurt other believers? How do pastors hurt church members? How do church members hurt pastors?

Leadership Failures and Abuse of Power

Believers are hurt when leaders fail and when leaders abuse their power.

► Read 1 Peter 5:1–4. From this passage, what are the characteristics of a good shepherd? What are the characteristics of a poor shepherd?

Scripture is clear: Pastors are called to shepherd God’s people, not to abuse them (Ephesians 4:11). They are called to care for the flock that Jesus purchased with his own blood (Acts 20:28). Pastors must be humble shepherds who follow the pattern of the Master Shepherd. They must not be hired hands who care more about their own power and position than about the needs of the sheep (John 10:11–13).

Sadly, throughout the Bible and church history, we see how leadership can become distorted. Jesus looked on the crowds and saw that they were “…harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matthew 9:36). The leaders in Jerusalem were supposed to be spiritual shepherds. But instead of caring for the sheep, they misused their authority and made it hard for people to connect with God.

Jesus later accused the religious leaders of putting heavy burdens on the people. “They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger” (Matthew 23:4). Like so many believers around the world today, the people of Israel worked, worshipped, and raised their families in a society where power and authority were held by the privileged few. Many of these leaders were unjust in their treatment of the poor worshippers who came to the Temple. This kind of injustice grieves the heart of God.

In contrast to these religious leaders, Jesus offered to lighten the load of those who came to him. He said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). This should be the job description for every church leader today; this is a true shepherd.

Even in the early church, there were those who failed to shepherd the sheep. These ungodly leaders were shepherds feeding themselves (Jude 1:12) instead of caring for the sheep. Jude listed some characteristics of these false leaders. They were guilty of:

• Hypocrisy (Jude 1:12)

• Arrogance (Jude 1:8, 16)

• Immorality (Jude 1:4, 7–8, 19)

• Greed (Jude 1:11)

Peter called church leaders to be good shepherds of the flock. He warned that they must not domineer over those in their charge (1 Peter 5:3). They must not use their power for their own benefit. Instead, they must feed and watch over the flock (1 Peter 5:2).

In some cultures today, pastors are given great authority over church members. Spiritual leaders in these kinds of cultures should be very careful to use their authority responsibly. They must follow the humble example of Jesus. They must remember that those who are given much are accountable for much (Luke 12:48). They must shepherd the flock of God as under-shepherds of Jesus, the great Shepherd, to whom they will give an account.

The problems that Jesus, Jude, and Peter saw in the first century are still present today. Ungodly leaders abuse their power instead of caring for the sheep as gentle shepherds. They place heavy burdens on God’s people. They silence questions and concerns. They use the sheep for their own advantage. They show partiality towards the wealthy or powerful. They forget that the sheep belong to God and that they are called to care for the sheep on God’s behalf.

While scripture gives pastors spiritual authority, church leaders must not use their authority in a sinful way. It is sinful for pastors to use their spiritual position to control or dominate those under their authority. Abusive pastors often spend much time reminding members of their own authority. Their response to any question is “I am the shepherd. The sheep must never question the shepherd.” They forget that Jesus is the chief Shepherd, and we are called to care for his sheep with love and compassion.

Just as a shepherd in ancient times would give special care to the weakest and most vulnerable sheep in the flock, spiritual shepherds today must care for those who are vulnerable to the sins of our society. Both in Jesus’ time and today, women and young girls are especially vulnerable to sexual exploitation and other forms of abuse. In some cultures, wife beating is still a common practice. In some cultures, even Christian men have beat their wives, often because they don’t know better.

Christian homes and churches should be safe places for women and girls. Churches will have differing interpretations of what the Bible teaches about the role of women in ministry. But regardless of a church’s view of women in ministry, the value and equality of women as persons made in the image of God should never be in doubt.

In his earthly ministry, Jesus continually showed the worth and dignity of women. He commissioned women as the first heralds of his resurrection (John 20:17). He valued their fellowship, prayers, service, financial support, testimony, and witness (Luke 8:2–3). He spoke kindly and respectfully to them, even revealing himself plainly to the woman of Samaria as the Messiah (John 4:7–26).

Jesus’ example was followed by the leaders in the early church. Luke made it clear that on the Day of Pentecost, the Holy Spirit was poured out on both sons and daughters, and on male servants and female servants (Acts 2:17–18). Luke wanted us to know that the Holy Spirit showed no partiality.

The Apostle Paul honored women who served in the church. In Romans 16, Paul commends a woman named Phoebe as a servant of the church. He says that both Prisca and Aquila were his fellow workers in Christ Jesus and that they risked their necks for his life. He says that Mary had worked hard for the believers there and that Junia was well known to the apostles.

Paul commands husbands “…love your wives, as Christ loved the church…” (Ephesians 5:25). He says that “…husbands should love their wives as their own bodies…” (Ephesians 5:28). In the same way, Peter appeals to husbands: “…live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life…” (1 Peter 3:7). Peter even warns that if husbands do not treat their wives in the right way, their prayers will be hindered.

Clearly, women were respected in the early church. Today, spiritual leaders in every culture must value women and stand against their mistreatment. They must treasure them as people uniquely designed by their Creator in his image.

► How is the attitude of your church and culture towards women different from Jesus’ attitude towards them? In what ways are women treated differently than men? What practices should change?

Toxic Church Cultures

Beyond the actions of an individual pastor or church leader, entire church cultures can become unhealthy. In the example given at the beginning of this lesson, the entire church rejected Hannah and refused to welcome her back even after her husband was convicted of rape. The church board supported the pastor’s decision and the only board member who spoke out was forced to resign from the board. The entire church culture had become toxic.

Researchers who study abusive churches and leaders identify several traits of toxic church cultures. Each of these traits is a perversion—or twisting—of true biblical teaching. These include:[1]

• Legalism

  Toxic churches make conformity to their rules the basis of spirituality, acceptance, and approval. Legalism teaches people that spiritual acceptance is based on performance, not on God’s grace.

  Legalism is a perversion of biblical teaching on careful living. It is not legalistic to teach biblical principles of dress, entertainment, or lifestyle. But in toxic churches, principles are replaced with absolute rules. Those who violate even the smallest rule are excluded from the church. Biblical principles of careful living are twisted into an abusive system of rules.

• An Emphasis on Performance

  Closely related to legalism, toxic churches replace biblical faith with performance-based acceptance. They teach that God’s love must be earned – through attendance, financial gifts, and service to the church.

  This is a perversion of biblical truth about spiritual discipline. Scripture teaches that believers should be faithful to attend worship, give generously, and serve the body of Christ. However, where the Bible teaches that we do these things in gratitude for what God has done for us, toxic churches teach that we must do these things to earn God’s favor. Members are measured—often publicly—by their performance and contribution.

• Isolationism

  Toxic churches are closed to the outside. Members are warned against visiting other churches or developing friendships with members of other churches. All other churches are considered false.

  Isolationism is a perversion of the biblical teaching that believers are to be separate from the world. Toxic churches consider every other church to be part of the sinful world.

• Abusive Discipline

  Toxic churches apply a system of church discipline based on shame and punishment. Instead of restoration, members who fall are either publicly shamed or shunned by the leaders and congregation.

  Abusive discipline is a perversion of proper church discipline. Toxic churches replace a biblical system of discipline that seeks restoration with an abusive system that is obsessed with shaming and punishing.

• Fear and Control

  In a toxic church environment, there is great emphasis on submission to the church leaders. Toxic churches create rules for almost every area of life. Members are discouraged from asking questions. Instead of a kind and thoughtful response to questions, church leaders respond with harshness and demands for unquestioning obedience.

  The dependency caused by fear is a perversion of biblical truth about authority. Scripture teaches that believers should respect the authority of God’s chosen leaders. But in toxic churches, this biblical teaching is replaced with an atmosphere of fear and control.

  This control is often enforced through unspoken rules that everyone is expected to know and obey – even though they may never be said publicly. For instance, no one would ever announce from the pulpit, “If you ever disagree with the pastor, you will never be trusted or allowed to serve in the church.” However, in toxic churches, members learn that open disagreement will result either in being asked to leave or in being shunned and ignored by the other members.

  Instead of faithful obedience to God, toxic churches promote fear of man and fear of rejection. This destroys true faith, because where fear reigns, the people of God cannot flourish.

Consequences of a Toxic Church Culture

A toxic church culture does great harm to believers who come under its control. Jesus said that he came to give rest to those who are heavy laden, but members of toxic churches become exhausted carrying the heavy burdens of legalism. Jesus came to provide an easy yoke, but members of toxic churches stumble under the heavy yoke of abusive discipline and fear. Toxic churches cause their members to struggle in many areas. These areas of struggle include:[2]

1. A distorted view of God. Many believers gain their view of God through the actions of their pastor. When the pastor is abusive, believers begin to see God as:

• An angry God who is never satisfied with his children.

• A vindictive God who is waiting to punish them for the slightest failure.

• An uncaring God who does not notice when his children are hurt and abused.

• A fickle God who can be manipulated through offerings or service.

2. A distorted view of themselves. Believers tend to view their own spiritual identity through the eyes of their church leaders. In an abusive church environment, believers gain a negative view of their identity. Instead of seeing themselves as God sees them, they see themselves through the eyes of a harsh pastor or other church leader. Instead of rejoicing in their identity in Christ, they feel they must achieve salvation through their own performance. They cannot imagine that God will ever say to them, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21, 23). They struggle to feel that God loves them personally.

3. A distorted view of grace. Members of abusive churches cannot imagine being treated with grace. Instead, a sense of shame at every failure causes them to feel that God cannot possibly accept them. They do not experience a sense of God’s grace in their own lives. As a result, they do not extend grace to others. The abused believer becomes an abusive believer.

4. A distorted view of the church. Ironically, members who grow up in an abusive church often do not recognize that anything is wrong. If they were asked, “Is your church culture toxic,” they would say, “No! My church is very spiritual. Look at how strict we are and how hard we work.” They view all churches through the lens of their experience and judge other, healthier, churches as weak.

Abusive or toxic churches often become toxic through the influence of abusive church leaders. Leaders who abuse power create an environment in which abuse is considered normal. Instead of being the house of prayer that God intended, toxic churches become houses of fear, division, and abuse. To prevent this, congregations must be committed to Jesus’ two great commandments: Churches must love God, and churches must love their neighbor as themselves. True Christlike love is the cure for a toxic church culture.

Covered Sin

When churches cover the sins of pastors or powerful members, it brings great pain to the body of Christ. Those in positions of authority sometimes use their power to silence the voices of concerned members who call out sinful practices in a leader. Even mature believers who have been faithful to God are attacked and silenced.

► Read 1 Timothy 5:19–21. What does this passage teach about responding to accusations against a pastor?

Satan will sometimes use a false witness to try to destroy a faithful church leader, so a church must use discernment when accusations are brought against a pastor. Following the principle of Deuteronomy 19:15, Paul required that there be at least two witnesses when bringing a charge against the church leader. Leaders must be wise and discerning when hearing accusations.

However, Paul also taught that if there is unrepentant sin, the leader must be publicly disciplined in a way that assures the congregation that sin in a leader will not be covered up. This is so important that Paul calls the heavenly court (God, Christ, and even the angels) to witness his command that there be no partiality in dealing with sin in the church.

Sin Between Individual Believers

Not all hurt is caused by an abusive church leader or toxic church culture. Believers also hurt one another through sins against one another. This was true in the early church, and it is true today.

Paul was hurt by the sins of other believers. When he was under house arrest in Rome, there were brothers who preached the gospel, but who saw Paul as a rival. They even hoped that their preaching would increase Paul’s suffering (Philippians 1:15–18). He was abandoned by others during his trial (2 Timothy 4:16). He suffered the opposition of people in Corinth who rejected his apostolic authority (2 Corinthians 10–12).

In each instance, Paul allowed God to accomplish his purpose. Paul rejoiced that the gospel was preached, even by those who saw him as a rival. He prayed for forgiveness for those who abandoned him at his trial. He sought to win the people of Corinth back by lovingly confronting them with their sinful attitudes.

If Paul was hurt by other believers, we should not be surprised when we suffer similar pain. While we live in a fallen world, we will be hurt by the sins of other believers. Sadly, these sins are so common that we often overlook or excuse them. But these sins destroy relationships within the body of Christ. If they are not addressed, these sins can even destroy a local church. Common sins between believers include:

• Refusing to forgive

• Judging and condemning

• Gossiping and slandering

• Harboring resentment

• Lust and sexual immorality

• Being dishonest in business dealings

Each of these sins stems from disobedience to Jesus’ second great commandment: “…You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39). “Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law” (Romans 13:10). A failure to love leads to sin against our fellow believer.

How should we address these relational sins? Our goal should always be to maintain good relationships and to live peacefully with our brothers and sisters in Christ (Romans 12:18). But how do we do this? In the next part of this lesson, we will look at the process for restoring relationships between believers when sin or injustice has been committed.

► Ask members to share briefly about a past conflict with a fellow believer. How did they resolve the conflict? As you study the following section, students can compare their own experience with the principles taught in the lesson.

It takes courage to maintain good relationships, especially when an injustice has been committed. It requires the courage of the one who has been sinned against, the courage of the one who has sinned, and the courage of the church as a body.

► Read Matthew 18:15–20. What steps does Jesus give for resolving conflict between believers?

The Person Sinned Against Initiates Conversation

First, Jesus teaches that personal relationships can often be healed and preserved when the one who has been sinned against finds the courage to initiate conversation.

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother (Matthew 18:15).

Jesus teaches us to resolve conflict by privately speaking to the person who has sinned against us. There may be situations where it is not biblically or culturally appropriate for a person to go alone. In cases of abuse or where there is a great power difference, the person who has been sinned against should involve other godly people. Also, in most contexts, it is not wise for members of the opposite sex to have private conversations without their spouses.

If the situation is appropriate, what kind of conversation must this be?

A Humble Conversation

“If your brother sins against you…” (Matthew 18:15).

The one who has been sinned against considers the one who sinned a spiritual sibling—not an enemy.

The goal of this conversation must be reconciliation, not humiliation or retaliation. Before entering this conversation, we should search our hearts. We should ask, “Is my motive pure? Do I truly care about this person as a sibling, or do I just want them to know how much they hurt me?” It is useless to have this conversation if we do not truly want reconciliation.

Humility will soften my approach because a humble person is not trying to hurt the other person. Humility seeks restoration.

An Honest Conversation

“…Go and tell him his fault...” (Matthew 18:15).

This will look different depending on the cultural setting. Some cultures are very direct when they speak about a problem, while others are more indirect. Either approach is good, as long as there is honesty regarding the offense.

John was a missionary who fell into conflict with a well-respected and spiritually mature national leader. A simple misunderstanding was used by the devil to bring several years of emotional pain and a damaged relationship. Through the Spirit’s gentle, yet firm conviction, John saw how pride, silence, and wrong assumptions had allowed the conflict to fester. Determined to respond in obedience, he reached out to the offended brother, who agreed to meet. As they listened to one another, prayed together, and repented of their parts in the conflict, their relationship was healed and restored. The experience taught them both a lasting lesson about forgiveness and the high cost of leaving matters unresolved.

A Private Conversation

“…Between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15).

The conversation must be private. The likelihood of healing and reconciliation happening is greater when fewer people know about the offense.

The Person Who Sinned Listens to the One Who Was Hurt

Second, Jesus teaches that personal relationships can often be healed and preserved when the one who has sinned finds the courage to listen.

“…If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” (Matthew 18:15).

Listening is more than passively hearing words. Listening is actively hearing the heart of the person who is speaking to us.

When we are having difficult conversations about offenses and sin between believers, we must think about what the other person is feeling and suffering. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote: “We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.”[1] That sentence captures the heart of Jesus’ teaching. Too often in a conflict, our instinct is to assign blame and to defend ourselves. But Jesus calls us to something deeper: to see the other person’s suffering and brokenness, and to respond to their pain with humility, compassion, and Christlike love.

Every believer must commit to becoming a compassionate listener. Good listeners:

• Give full attention. They put away all distractions and make eye contact with the other person.

• Make people feel understood. Understanding alone is not enough; people must feel understood.

• Do not interrupt. They are slow to offer advice. They are respectful and often silent. They listen carefully before offering their perspective.

• Ask questions to encourage deeper sharing. They might ask, “How did that make you feel?” or “How could I have been more helpful?” or “What do you mean by that statement?”

• Guard their body language. They don’t look out the window, roll their eyes, shake their head dismissively, or act bored.

• Affirm the other person’s feelings and emotions even if they don’t agree.

• Are not defensive.

• Practice humility and respond thoughtfully. They pray for the Holy Spirit to help them see their own fault. They admit their wrong, even if their intentions had been good.

Humble listening heals wounds, preserves relationships, and glorifies God. God often uses the pain of conflict to form us into the image of Christ. Even when we believe we are innocent, honest reflection often reveals ways we contributed to the problem.

Trusted Witnesses Provide Support

Third, Jesus teaches that personal relationships can often be healed and preserved through the courage of trusted witnesses.

But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses (Matthew 18:16).

If the person who sinned refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing, the offended brother should not simply walk away. Instead, he should bring witnesses who can help to bring about reconciliation. The witnesses should be people of wisdom who know what has been done. When they speak the truth to both parties without partiality, they are often agents of reconciliation. The purpose for bringing witnesses is not to humiliate the wrongdoer. Instead, the purpose is to bring reconciliation between the wrongdoer and the offended brother.

The Church Seeks Reconciliation

Fourth, Jesus teaches that personal relationships can be healed and preserved through the courage of the church.

If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector (Matthew 18:17).

When a sinful brother still refuses to listen to us, we might feel justified in saying, “I have tried hard enough!” But Jesus calls his followers to love their neighbors in a way that is far beyond what is natural in our fallen world. So, the offended brother takes his case to the entire church for consideration. As believers, we are to go as far as possible in our efforts to bring a sinful brother to repentance. Again, the goal is reconciliation.

If the sinful brother still refuses to repent, he is to be excommunicated by the church. He is to be treated as a Gentile and a tax collector.

► What does it mean to treat an unrepentant person as a Gentile or tax collector? How did Jesus relate to Gentiles and tax collectors?

Even in this extreme case, the goal is repentance. Throughout his ministry, Jesus demonstrated love and compassion for Gentiles and tax collectors. He did not excuse their sin, but he sought to bring them to repentance.

To treat this person as a Gentile means to excommunicate them from membership in the church. They are no longer invited to share in the Lord’s Supper or to be seen as a member of the body. However, the goal is not to destroy this unrepentant person. The goal is to bring them to a place of repentance.

► Read 2 Corinthians 2:5–11.

The church at Corinth had punished the leader of a rebellion against Paul’s authority. Satan’s goal (2 Corinthians 2:11) was to destroy the church and bring dishonor on the name of Christ. But Paul commanded that when this leader repented, he should be welcomed back into fellowship.

In an earlier case, Paul instructed the church at Thessalonica to have nothing to do with any person who refused to obey his instructions (2 Thessalonians 3:14–15). Paul called them to excommunicate a stubborn and insubordinate member. But even in Thessalonica, the goal was restoration, not destruction. He was not to be viewed as an enemy but as a fallen brother who would be so ashamed by his excommunication that he was brought to repentance. Our goal in church discipline must be to see fallen disciples restored to faith.

Conclusion

Church discipline done in a biblical manner brings glory to God. God is glorified when a church stands united on God’s Word. God is glorified when his people stand against injustice. God is glorified when his people are decisive, and when injustice is not tolerated nor allowed to spread through the church, damaging its worship and witness.

Jesus concludes his teaching in Matthew 18 by reminding his followers of the authority he has given them to act on his behalf.

► Read Matthew 18:18–20 again.

When God’s Spirit is among his people; when the church has listened and prayed together; when they have considered sin in the light of scripture; and when they have agreed on a biblical judgment towards the one who has done wrong, God stands with them.

What If Reconciliation Is Impossible?

In the story that opened our lesson, Hannah’s pastor wanted her to be reconciled with her husband without any change in the husband’s behavior. Sadly, Hannah’s story is not unique. Some pastors have told wives, “You must forgive your husband for his unfaithfulness—even if he continues to be unfaithful.” Church leaders have told children, “If your father abuses you, you must accept it because God has put him in authority over you.” In other cases, believers who have sought reconciliation have been rejected by the offending party.

God’s goal is reconciliation and restoration. When believers on both sides follow God’s plans, reconciliation will occur. But not all conflict ends in reconciliation. Even when we obey Jesus’ command to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, complete reconciliation may be impossible.

It may be unsafe for a woman to return her children to the home of a sexually abusive father. In this case, loving her neighbor means loving innocent children enough to protect them from evil.

A person who has sinned against a fellow believer may refuse to repent, rejecting the discipline of the church. In this case, “loving your neighbor” means following Paul’s instruction to the church at Corinth: When a sexually immoral man refused to abandon his sin, Paul commanded the church, “You are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 5:5).

What do we do when reconciliation seems impossible?

► Read Matthew 18:21–35.

After hearing Jesus’ teaching on conflict between believers, Peter asked, “How many times must I forgive?” Jesus responded with the parable of the unforgiving servant. Taken out of context, Jesus’ answer can be misinterpreted. Some people have said, “Even if there is no repentance, you must forgive and be reconciled.” Some pastors have even said, “Forgiveness gives the offender permission to repeat the sin.”

But if we read the passage carefully, Jesus gives a much more practical answer. Peter is looking for a formula—how many times. Instead, Jesus gives a principle: You must forgive as your heavenly Father forgives you (Matthew 18:35). God’s forgiveness is the pattern for our forgiveness of others. Paul repeated this principle in Ephesians: “…forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

How does God forgive us?

• God forgives us when we repent of our sin. We are restored to relationship with God when we turn away from our sin. God does not offer restoration without repentance.

• When God forgives, he does not give us permission to do it again. God does not say, “I forgive you for murder. And my forgiveness gives you permission to continue murdering people.” No! God loves us enough to say, “I forgive you. Go and sin no more.”

Jesus instructed Peter to forgive from his heart. To forgive from the heart means that we will not hold on to bitterness over the wrong. However, this does not mean that restoration of trust and of a relationship will always be possible.

When a person refuses to repent, or when there is danger of sexual or physical abuse, an ongoing relationship may be impossible. In such cases, wisdom and discernment may require us to separate from the offender. In that case, the believer can forgive without continuing the relationship.

While we are called to pursue reconciliation whenever possible, God has not called us to live in constant inner turmoil. He calls his children to peace. Paul wrote, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18). Because the apostle recognized that living at peace requires a commitment from both parties, he wrote, “so far as it depends on you.”

We cannot control another person’s response. However, even if the other person refuses repentance and restoration, we can forgive from the heart. Forgiveness means refusing to seek vengeance. Paul continues, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord’” (Romans 12:19). Even when reconciliation is impossible, we can leave justice to God rather than seeking vengeance.

In 1887, Jonathan and Rosalind Goforth went to China as missionaries. During the 1900 Boxer Rebellion, Jonathan barely escaped with his life. The Goforths went home for few months but returned to China in 1901. Jonathan soon became dissatisfied with the lack of spiritual fruit from his work. He realized that his ministry had little spiritual fervor. He began praying earnestly for revival.

As he prayed, the Holy Spirit began speaking to Goforth about a conflict between Jonathan and a fellow missionary. Jonathan later wrote, “I honestly felt that I was in the right.” But God pressed Goforth to go to his brother in humility and love.

There were days of struggle in which Goforth continued to insist, “He is wrong. He should come to me!” One night, Goforth was leading a prayer meeting when he heard the voice of the Holy Spirit; “You hypocrite! Why don’t you obey me?”

Finally, Goforth yielded to the voice of the Spirit. In the middle of the service, he promised God that he would go to this offended brother immediately after the meeting. No one in the service knew what had happened, but the atmosphere suddenly changed. People began to weep, confess their sins, and be reconciled to one another.

The next day, Goforth went to his fellow missionary and the two men were reconciled. In the following months, God moved everywhere Goforth spoke. During the next decade, thousands of people were converted under the ministry of Jonathan Goforth. A great revival started when one man obeyed the Holy Spirit’s call to be reconciled to an offended brother.[1]

► Pray for reconciliation. If there is another believer with whom you have conflict, ask God to show you what steps you can take towards reconciliation. Commit to obeying whatever the Holy Spirit says.

(1) Prepare a simple outline for a Bible study or sermon on Matthew 18:15–20. Prepare to teach your members how to pursue reconciliation with a brother who sins against them.

(2) Memorize Matthew 18:15–20. You will write or recite this scripture at the beginning of your next class.