By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Recognize that grief is real, even for a faithful believer.

(2) Develop realistic expectations for the grieving process.

(3) Find hope in grief.

(4) Be better equipped to comfort other believers who are grieving.

► Each student should write or recite 1 Peter 4:12–14 from memory.

► Two or three students should report on their preaching or teaching assignment from Lesson 5. Other students should share what they learned as they prepared the sermon or Bible study.

► Read 1 Thessalonians 4:13. What does this verse teach us about grief and the believer?

► Read Acts 8:2. What does this verse add to your understanding of 1 Thessalonians 4:13?

Some well-meaning believers say to a grieving person, “You should not be sad. You should rejoice because your loved one is with Christ.” They may even say that 1 Thessalonians 4:13 teaches that believers should not grieve.

However, Paul did not say, “We do not grieve when someone dies.” He said that we do not grieve in the same way as those who are without hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). It is right to mourn the death of someone you love. Death entered the world because of sin. It is part of the brokenness of our fallen world. It is right to feel sorrow because of death.

Grief is real, even for believers who have the promise of the resurrection. Scripture shows us that grief is a proper response to death. In Acts 8, believers mourned the death of Stephen, even though they knew he would be raised when Jesus returns. Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus, even though he knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead (John 11:35). Jesus wept as he saw the sorrow of Mary and Martha.

Believers grieve because grief is a natural expression of love. When we hear that a stranger has died, we may feel sorry for the family, but we don’t suffer personal grief. But when someone we love dies, we feel deep pain. We grieve because of love.

In this lesson, we will study the grieving process. Grieving is part of the way God designed us to heal from loss. Unfortunately, many people live in denial after a loved one dies. Some believers think that a strong faith means ignoring their grief. They quote scripture verses about heaven and try to hide their pain. Pastors may feel they must appear strong because church members are watching them.

However, denial can be dangerous to a person. It may help for a short time after a sudden death, when the shock is overwhelming. But it is not healthy to remain in denial for long.

Denial delays the healing process. It prevents a person from facing their pain honestly. We cannot treat our pain if we pretend it is not there.

A person who refuses to admit they are sick will not take the necessary medicine. In the same way, a person who thinks that believers should not grieve will not take the steps needed to heal.

Mourning is an important part of recovery. The first step in healing is to understand that your feelings are normal. To heal, you must allow grief to do its work in your life.

► Ask class members who have lost a family member to describe their experience. What emotions did they feel immediately after the death? How did those emotions change during the following months?

In this lesson, we will look at what often happens during the grieving process.[1] We will discuss common experiences, but grief is personal. Each person grieves in a different way. Some people want to be around friends; others prefer to be alone. Some people want assistance to handle problems; others want to handle things themselves. Some people stay busy after a death; others need quiet time to reflect and pray.

Grief is shaped by the survivor’s relationship with the person who died. Compare two situations:

• A pastor lost his wife to cancer. For 20 years, she had been his partner in marriage and in ministry. When she died, he lost his wife, the mother of his children, and his closest partner in ministry.

• A woman lost her husband to cancer. He had been emotionally distant and rarely showed affection. She cared for him during his long illness, but he never thanked her or showed appreciation.

Both people will grieve, but their experiences may be very different. If you are suffering grief, do not feel pressure to meet someone else’s expectations. There is no single right way to grieve.

If you are helping someone who is grieving, remember that their way of grieving may not look like yours. One of the best gifts you can give to a grieving friend is the freedom to grieve in their own way. Avoid saying, “You should…” or “You should not….” Let them grieve in the way that is best for them.

Many people who look back after losing a loved one describe three periods of time:

1. A time of busy activity: In the days after a death, there are many tasks. You must plan a funeral, complete paperwork, and manage daily responsibilities. Friends and family may visit and bring meals. There are shared memories, tears, and even laughter. You may be so busy that you do not fully feel your grief.

2. A time of emptiness and loneliness: After the funeral, life becomes quiet. Friends return to their routines. You are left with a deep void. Instead of conversation, there is silence. Instead of companionship, there is emptiness. You may feel anxious about the future. The reality of your loss becomes very clear.

3. A time of acceptance: In the months that follow, you slowly begin to accept your new situation. You may say, “This is not the life I would have chosen, but it is the life I now have.”

At times, you may wonder, “Is it right for me to move forward in my life?” A widow said, “I am afraid I will never move on. But I am also afraid that I will move on.” She feared that she might never return to a normal life. At the same time, she felt guilty at the thought of life becoming normal without her husband.

Instead of feeling guilty when life begins to move forward, you can thank God for bringing healing. Moving forward does not mean forgetting. It means that God is gently restoring your heart.

Some books talk about stages of grief. But for many people, grief does not happen in clear steps from one stage to the next. Instead, grief can feel like being lost in a thick forest. At times, you may find yourself back where you started.

Dr. Norman Wright, a Christian grief counselor, identified several emotions that are common in grief: emptiness, apathy, love, anger, guilt, sadness, self-pity, and helplessness.[1] These emotions do not come in a certain order. They can appear at any time, without warning.

After the sudden death of his 20-year-old son, Tim Challies wrote about his struggle to answer the simple question, “How are you?” He said, “I can go from joy to sorrow and back again in moments. How am I doing? Most of the time I don’t even know.”[2]

Instead of an orderly pathway, grief is like a tangled ball of thread. You may jump from one emotion to another. Weeks after you have moved beyond fear and anxiety, an unexpected hospital bill may bring back the fear, “What if I cannot pay my bills?” Long after you think the tears are over, a song, a smell, or a favorite flower may cause a flood of tears.

Instead of talking about stages of grief, we will look at emotions and reactions that are common after the loss of a spouse, family member, or close friend.[3] Not everyone feels these emotions in the same way or with the same intensity. But none of them should surprise you. They are a normal part of grief. It is healthy to expect them.

Tears

Some people feel embarrassed by their tears. They try to hide them. But tears are a normal part of grief. Jesus wept when Lazarus died, even though he knew he would soon raise his friend.

► Read Psalm 6:6–8.

The psalms show that David wept in times of distress and sorrow. In Psalm 6, he says his couch was drenched with tears. In Psalm 56:8, he asks God to keep his tears in a bottle. This is a poetic way of asking God to remember his sorrow. God does not shame his children for their tears.

When you feel overwhelmed with your tears, remember God’s promise; “Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!” (Psalm 126:5). God has promised that one day he will “…wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more…” (Revelation 21:4). Until then, it is right to weep. Tears are a healthy expression of grief.

Loneliness

After the funeral, the guests go home, while you must return to an empty house. Some friends may avoid you because they do not know what to say. At public events, you may feel alone without the spouse who was always by your side.

Well-meaning friends may make it harder by telling you what you should do. They may say, “It has been three months. You should move on.” Remember that grief is personal. You must travel the journey of grief in your own way.

In your grief, you might tend to withdraw from your church and other activities. However, God often uses other believers to bring comfort. While you may need quiet time, it is still important to stay connected with small groups that provide support and prayer. You need people who can walk beside you during this time.

Some relationships may change. Certain friendships may grow stronger, while others may grow distant. If you have lost a child, it may be painful to be around families with young children. If you have lost a spouse, time with married couples may be more difficult.

Relationships may change because of the personality of your friends. In the Gospels, Mary and Martha both loved Jesus, but they showed their love in different ways. Martha served; Mary sat and listened.

Some of your friends may be like Martha. During a long illness, they will help with meals, hospital visits, and funeral plans. But after the funeral, they may step back because they think their work is finished.

Other friends may be like Mary. After the funeral, they may sit with you in the evenings or take you out for a meal. Both kinds of friends are gifts God has provided during your grief.

Fear and Anxiety

When someone you love dies, life can feel uncertain. You may ask, “How can I face the future alone?” Decisions may feel overwhelming. You may wonder, “Will my sorrow ever end?”

The psalms give encouragement when you are fearful. They assure you that God is with you even in these times. You can bring your fears to him.

► Read Psalm 13:1–2.

The psalmist does not receive any answers to his questions. Yet, even in his fear, he chooses to trust God. “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation” (Psalm 13:5). Trust in God does not remove every fear or answer every question. But it gives hope that God will carry you through this difficult time. He is with you in your grief.

Anger

Many people feel anger after the death of someone they loved. A parent may be angry at the drunk driver who took the life of their child. A spouse may be angry at a doctor whose mistake caused the death. Children may feel that their deceased parent abandoned them. Even believers are sometimes angry that God did not answer their prayer for healing.

The first step to dealing with anger is to admit it. You may need to say, “God, I do not understand why you allowed this. I feel angry.”

In his suffering, Job spoke honestly to God about his pain. He did not hide his questions. Like Job, we can speak openly with our heavenly Father. He is not afraid of our questions, fears, and even anger.

Guilt and Regrets

After a death, you may feel guilt or regret. If the relationship was difficult, you may feel guilt over past conflicts. A widow may remember, “Our last conversation was an argument.” A widower may think, “I should have seen the symptoms of cancer sooner. Perhaps she could have received treatment.” A parent may regret not spending more time with a child before the child died.

In some cases, the guilt is even more complex. If your spouse or parent was abusive, their death may bring deliverance from the abuse. If your spouse was suffering from intense pain, you may feel relief that they no longer suffer. But feelings of guilt may follow the relief. You may think, “It is wrong for me to feel this way.”

Dealing with grief may require you to move beyond the guilt and regrets of the past. You cannot change the past, but you can trust God’s grace for healing and forgiveness.

Spiritual Dryness

In times of grief, we sometimes find comfort in prayer and scripture. But at other times, prayer may feel like empty words. Worship may feel exhausting. You may wonder where God is.

During these seasons, you can be honest in prayer: “God, I am praying, but the words seem empty. I am reading your Word, but I do not hear your voice.” God is patient. He will not abandon you in your grief. A believer who suffered the loss of a child later wrote:

Even though there was an absence of joy, I knew that didn’t mean God had left. I knew, as time passed, God would do the healing. That was the hope I held on to, and he did.[4]

Depression

Depression after a loss may be seen in a lack of energy, in fatigue and apathy, in sleeplessness, and in feelings of hopelessness. Some widows and widowers have said, “I felt like my life was over.” It seemed that the sadness would never go away.

If you struggle with depression, remember that you are not alone. Psalms such as 43, 77, and 88 show the psalmist in the depths of depression. He cannot sleep at night (Psalm 77:4); he wonders if God’s mercy is gone forever (Psalm 77:8); he thinks he may die (Psalm 88:3). The psalmist is depressed and even frustrated with God (Psalm 77:7–9). Yet God does not reject him for these feelings.

These psalms show that we can bring our struggles to God. “In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord…” (Psalm 77:2). “But I, O Lord, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you” (Psalm 88:13). In the depths of depression, you can call on God, trusting that he hears you.

This lesson does not promise a way to avoid painful emotions. Instead, it reminds you that God is with you in every tear, every question, and every step of this journey.

In the dark days of your grief, you may think, “My pain will never end. I will never again feel joy.” But by God’s grace, you will find a path forward.

H. Norman Wright described three stages in recovering from loss. “We accept it first in our heads, then in our feelings, and finally we adjust life’s pattern to reflect the reality of what has occurred.”[1]

Mental Acceptance

The first step is to mentally accept the truth. For example, “My wife has died. She will not come home.” This may seem obvious, but facing this clearly is part of moving forward.

When grief seems overwhelming, many counselors give this simple advice: Do the next thing that needs to be done. Get out of bed. Eat breakfast.

Do not plan your long-term future. Avoid making major decisions if possible. Many experts suggest waiting at least a year before making major changes, because grief can affect your ability to think clearly.

If you must make an immediate decision, ask trusted friends for advice. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Fellow believers can help carry your burden.

Processing Emotions

After a time, you will begin to deal with the emotional aspects of your loss. You may cry more. You may allow yourself to feel the pain of grief.

Well-meaning friends may try to hurry you through this part of grief. They may say, “It’s time to move past the tears.” Remember that grief is personal. Do not give in to this pressure. Allow yourself to work through your loss at a pace that is healthy for you.

Adjusting to a New Normal

Finally, you will begin to adjust to a new normal. The pain may never completely disappear, but you will learn that joy and sorrow can exist side by side. This does not mean you have forgotten your loved one. It means you are learning to live faithfully in a new season of life.

Do not feel guilty as you adjust. Healing does not mean forgetting the life you shared with your loved one. You will celebrate holidays with the keen awareness that someone is missing. You will face anniversaries alone. You will remember their birthday. Step by step, you will learn a new way of living.

Each step will bring new challenges. But as you accept each step, your fear of the future will slowly lessen. You will move forward—not by denying the past, but by trusting that God has a future for you.

How long will this process take? It depends on the person. Many counselors say that deep grief lasts about two years, but each person is different. Grief does not disappear overnight. Instead, little by little, the pain becomes less intense. Special days, such as birthdays and anniversaries, may bring strong feelings again. But over time, you will have longer periods when grief does not feel overwhelming. God’s grace is bringing healing.

► Ask members of the class to share their experiences in comforting others after loss. As they reflect on their experience, what do they believe they did well? Where did they struggle? What did they learn?

Every believer will someday face the death of someone they love. As pastors and church leaders, how can we comfort wisely?

(1) Remember that grief is personal.

You may use ideas from this lesson to help a grieving person but allow them the freedom to grieve in their own way. You do not know all the factors that impact their grieving process. Give them time to heal.

(2) Be present.

You do not need to give advice or long speeches. Often, a grieving person needs nothing more than someone to sit quietly with them. Listen if they want to talk. Be silent if they prefer silence. Simply be present with them and for them.

(3) Talk about the person who has died.

Sometimes we avoid mentioning the person who died because we are afraid of causing pain. But your memories of the deceased show that they were important to you. This often brings comfort to their loved ones.

One church member developed a simple way to comfort fellow believers who have suffered a loss. On the birthdays and anniversaries of a person who has died, he would send a note saying, “I am praying for you today. I know you miss her deeply.” This small act reminded grieving families that their loved one was not forgotten.

(4) Be careful with your words.

Avoid statements that may cause hurt. It is not helpful to say, “God took your mother because he needed her.” Why should we avoid saying something like that? First, God does not take people to heaven because he needs them. Second, this statement could cause confusion and anger in a child. What concept of God will they develop?

Avoid asking for painful details about how the person died. If the person chooses to share, listen. But do not press for personal details that may cause greater pain. This is especially important in cases of suicide, overdose, or other sensitive situations. Respect their privacy.

In the case of unbelievers, pastors should be cautious. It is not our place to declare someone’s eternal destiny. Even if we do not have a way to know it, the individual may have responded to God’s powerful grace in the last moments of life. We should not say, “He was a good man, so he is in heaven,” because salvation is not based on our good works. A wise response may be, “You can trust your loved one to a God who is loving, merciful, and just.”

As we saw earlier, your grief and your response to grief is personal. But three reminders may be helpful as you grieve.

(1) You can see your loss in the light of God’s goodness.

You may not understand why it happened, but you can trust that God is good and that he works for good in the lives of his children. Elisabeth Elliot wrote, “I can look back on my widowhood and realize there have been priceless lessons I couldn’t have learned any other way.”[1]

(2) You can choose to remember the good.

After the death of his daughter, Zig Ziglar wrote that life is a series of choices. “I can lament the fact that I do not hear her laughter, or I can rejoice at the number of times I did hear it…. I can choose to weep over the fact that [she] will never be with us at our favorite vacation spot, or I can look back with pleasure at the times we did have together. Many things related to grief are choices. Will we choose to place our focus on missing the person or giving thanks for the gift of God that the person was to us?”[2]

(3) You can trust that joy and pain will live side by side.

In this fallen world, we will never be completely free of pain and sorrow. You will always feel the loss of your loved one. But with time and God’s grace, you can learn to experience joy again, even while carrying the memory of your loss.

Pastor Troy’s wife died from cancer at a relatively young age. A few days after her death, he sent this letter to the members of his church.[1]

Dear Friends,

My wife died this week. This has been enormously challenging as we said goodbye to her here on earth. Nothing can prepare you for that, and we are still deeply affected by our loss.

I have entered the school of grief. I am not an expert on grief, but I’ve learned something that I wanted to share with you today.

As I lay in bed wrestling with the reality of my wife’s absence, I prayed and sought the Lord. In those moments I sensed the Holy Spirit giving me a simple thought about the days ahead. I share it because I need to publicly state my intentions in these moments, and I share it to encourage us all as we face adversity in our life.

Paul said that as believers we should not grieve as others do who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). I lay there, feeling broken over the earthly absence of my bride. I felt the Lord calling me to grieve with hope during this unbelievably sad season in my life. What does that mean? I think that it means at least these five simple things.

By God’s grace…

1. I will weep. Paul said that we don’t grieve like those who have never trusted in Christ. But we do weep. We weep—as Jesus’ mother wept, as Mary wept at the tomb of our Lord, as Jesus himself wept at the death of Lazarus. The sense of my wife’s absence is painful, so I won’t hold back my tears or deny the reality of my loss. I will weep and will make room for grief in my life.

2. I will worship. Every day I must focus on the character, the work, and the promises of God. Through scripture and prayer, I must worship in the midst of my weeping. God is still good. His promises are still true. His Holy Spirit still guides, and his mercies are still new every morning. So in the midst of loss, I will continue to look up and worship the Lord.

3. I will be thankful. While the future looks sad to me right now, I must refuse to be angry or bitter about what I have lost. Instead, every day I must express thanks to God for all that he gave me in her life and companionship. I will regularly cherish my memories and give thanks to God for what we had. I will give thanks to God every day for the blessings in my life that he has given through my wife.

4. I will be faithful. I will remain true to all that God has called me to as a follower of Christ, as a father, as a grandfather, and as a pastor. I will not allow my pain to be an excuse for allowing attitudes, behaviors, or habits that could weaken the Spirit’s work in me. I cannot give in to self-pity or allow Satan to use this pain to harm the work of God in and through me.

5. I will be optimistic. Believers live with hope, so I will look forward to how God is going to use this pain to do something good. I will anticipate the sanctification of this suffering for the glory of God. I will expect God to use this to deepen my intimacy with him and help me better fulfill the calling he has on my life. I will find joy in the ordinary things of life…. And I will look forward to that glorious day that awaits us all when “…we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord” (1 Thessalonians 4:17). I will see my wife again, and by God’s grace, I will live the rest of my life on earth with heaven always in view.

Troy

► Pray for those grieving the loss of loved ones. Pray for wisdom in how to minister to them.

(1) Think back to your discussion of 1 Thessalonians 4:13 at the beginning of this lesson. Based on what you have learned in this lesson, write a short letter to a church member explaining how this verse can help them face the death of a believing family member.

(2) Memorize 1 Thessalonians 4:13, 16–18. You will write or recite this scripture at the beginning of your next class.