By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Identify some ways in which the family members of prodigals suffer.

(2) Understand unhealthy responses to prodigal children.

(3) Be more compassionate towards parents and grandparents of wayward children.

(4) Respond to prodigals in biblical ways.

► Each student should write or recite 1 Thessalonians 4:13, 16–18 from memory.

► Two or three students should read the letters they wrote for Lesson 6. Each student should share what they have learned about grieving as believers.

Becky Keep describes the night their beautiful 19-year-old daughter, Valerie, left home.[1]

I laid face down on our couch in the darkened living room, unable to suppress the painful sobs that came from deep within. My husband, Tim, sat across the room, silent with grief. Only moments before this, our teenage daughter had angrily walked out into the night: out of our home, and—for the next nine months—out of our lives.

We were hurt and confused. How could this happen to our family? Where had we gone wrong? How had we become parents of a prodigal? How could this precious girl—who had always seemed so responsible, so innocent, and so in love with Jesus—now have chosen a lifestyle contrary to everything we had taught her? We had pleaded with her, prayed over her, warned her with tears, and reminded her of things she had been taught from infancy… but she had refused to listen. So, on that horrible night, she gathered her clothing in a bag and walked out.

The days after that were some of the most difficult our family has ever known. Our fear and grief were nearly unbearable. We felt helpless, angry, and even a little embarrassed at first. We wondered if we had made a mistake many years before when we chose to serve as missionaries. There were moments we felt abandoned by God and even questioned his love. Our trust in his Word was greatly tested. But grace held onto us in our brokenness, and grace eventually brought our daughter home!

The term prodigal refers to an individual who has left his or her Christian upbringing.

► Read Jesus’ story of the prodigal son in Luke 15:11–32. Discussion questions:

• What part of the story do you particularly notice?

• How do you think the father felt when his youngest son demanded his inheritance and left home?

• What caused the prodigal son to turn towards home?

• What is one word you would use to describe the father? How is he like our heavenly Father?

• Why was the eldest son angry?

• Why did Jesus tell this story?

Some people think that the only reason young people leave their Christian upbringing is that they have rebellious hearts. Rebellion is the reason some young people leave the faith. However, there are other reasons as well. Though it may be painful, we must be willing to evaluate our homes and churches for factors that may have contributed to their departure. Understanding their reasons for leaving may help us as we seek to win them back to Christ.

Chuck Lawless offers eight possible reasons young people walk away from their faith:[1]

1. They never owned their faith. They did what others wanted them to do, but they never experienced a personal relationship with Jesus. They never truly witnessed the transforming power of the gospel. Church did not seem to relate to their daily lives.

2. They saw hypocrisy among professing Christians. Their parents were not the same people at home as they were at church. They saw Christian leaders fail morally. (This does not excuse wrong choices, but it helps explain them.)

3. They were never discipled. Even though they grew up in a Christian home, they were not mentored well. No one walked beside them, offering practical guidance for living the Christian life.

4. They live in a culture that gives them permission to live differently than their Christian upbringing demands. Many young people have been over-exposed to popular culture. It has shaped their thinking (Romans 12:2) and invited them to leave their faith.

5. They lacked someone who would listen to and answer their questions. Older believers may have criticized their doubts and dismissed their questions. They did not feel safe during difficult conversations. They were disrespected when they did not follow the rules of their church.

Inviting young people to express their questions reduces tension. Proverbs 18:13 encourages careful listening: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

6. They were not established in the Word of God. Spiritual leaders did not equip them to defend their Christian beliefs in a world of skeptics (1 Peter 3:15). They were not prepared to answer tough questions related to the authority of scripture, world religions, the origin and meaning of life, the problems of evil and pain, human sexuality, and more.[2]

7. They have sin in their lives. Immorality often precedes unbelief. Sometimes young people walk away from their Christian upbringing because they don’t want to submit to God’s commands or to their family’s rules.

8. They found a greater sense of acceptance and belonging among friends outside the church. Some are suffering from family trauma or various forms of abuse caused by professing Christians, so they look outside the church for community.

► Take a few minutes to discuss this list. What else would you add to this list? What should be done to prevent some of these situations?

The Problem of Self-Will

While there can be many contributing factors to someone’s departure from faith, self-will, rooted in pride, is often the central problem. Prodigals must face this problem in their own hearts.

Adam and Eve had no reason to disobey God. They had the perfect home, the perfect Father, the perfect environment. They had everything one could ever want for human flourishing. But they doubted God’s goodness, acted in disobedience by eating the forbidden fruit, and lost fellowship with their Creator.

The nation of Israel had no reason to turn away from God. He had delivered them from Egyptian slavery, brought them through the Red Sea on dry ground, fed them with manna, and led them into the Promised Land. But they turned to false gods.

Rebellion is no small thing. It is rooted in pride and leads to terrible consequences. When the prophet Samuel confronted Saul with his disobedience to God’s Word, he called it rebellion (1 Samuel 15:23). This rebellion is what caused God to reject Saul as king.

The rebellion of humankind cost Jesus his life. Rebellion is buried so deep in the human heart that the only way it may be healed is by the sacrifice of Jesus (Isaiah 53:5). It is important for parents and grandparents to take the rebellion seriously and to pray that the heart of the prodigal becomes humble and contrite (Isaiah 66:2).

Parents and grandparents often testify that the pain brought on their family by their wayward child is the worst pain they have ever suffered. If you are one of these parents or grandparents, you will identify with the following descriptions. If you are not, ask the Lord to give you a more compassionate heart towards hurting parents.

Feelings of Rejection

The prophet Samuel grieved over the nation of Israel because they demanded a king. He had led the nation faithfully and sacrificially, but they wanted a king like other nations (1 Samuel 8:19–20).

We can hear the pain in Samuel’s words when he presented the new king to Israel:

Here I am; testify against me before the Lord and before his anointed. Whose ox have I taken? Or whose donkey have I taken? Or whom have I defrauded? Whom have I oppressed? Or from whose hand have I taken a bribe to blind my eyes with it? Testify against me and I will restore it to you (1 Samuel 12:3).

Can you hear the grief in Samuel’s voice? Samuel was saying, “I have sacrificed and loved you my entire life. I have served with integrity. Am I not good enough?” Perhaps Samuel felt rejected.

This is how many parents feel when their children walk away from the faith. It feels like a personal rejection. Only the love of God in our hearts can help us overcome these feelings of rejection and release the pain to him. Rather than giving way to self-pity or resentment, Samuel offered Israel hope and promised them his ongoing prayer and instruction (1 Samuel 12:20–25). What a picture of grace!

Feelings of Anger and Resentment

When parents see terrible choices and know that painful consequences will come, they naturally feel anger. However, “…the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). While it is important to speak truth to a prodigal, we must not do so in anger. Anger will never compel them to turn to God, to stop sinning, and to embrace what is right. If we speak against their sins without gentleness and respect, we will harden their hearts against the truth. Anger pushes them away; love pulls them in.

► Read James 3:17–18 and 1 Peter 3:15. What do these passages teach us about how to speak with people who disagree with us?

Feelings of Shame and Embarrassment

When a son or daughter does wrong, the reputation of the entire family may be damaged. Parents and grandparents must not allow shame and embarrassment to dictate their responses to their prodigal. Russell Moore wrote, “In many cases, the real tragedy in a family with rebellious children isn’t that their parents hurt for them, but that their parents are embarrassed of them. If ‘good’ children were the result of mere technique, then we could boast of our own righteousness through the lives of our children. They’re not!”[1]

When parents are tempted to give way to embarrassment, they must remember that the important issue is not what other people think about their parenting. The important issue is the eternal destiny of their child. Pride and embarrassment will hinder prayer and delay the prodigal’s return.

Some well-meaning believers have been guilty of shaming parents whose children are struggling. It is easy to criticize and blame. It is easy to point out mistakes and judge. But we should pray for and support those who grieve their prodigal children. They need love, understanding, and community. Remember the command of Paul, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15).

A Spirit of Heaviness

The burden of a prodigal child often leads to the loss of sleep, appetite, and joy. When Tim and Becky were tempted to despair, God brought a godly mentor into their lives who warned them about the danger of graceless praying. He said, “While prayer and fasting are vital, there must come a time in our intercession when faith takes hold of God’s promises and finds rest.” They discovered this to be true. God knows the need of parents to live and love and laugh. We must cook, sleep, and care for our families, even while we wait for God’s answer to come. God desires that we live in hopeful expectation of his promise.

Family Conflict

Don’t be surprised when conflict arises in the home. Husbands and wives often respond differently to difficult situations, and the stress of dealing with a prodigal child can lead to strain on their marriage.

It is important for both spouses to remember that they desire the same outcome. They must take time to pray with and for each other each day. They must learn to be compassionate and patient with one another. God can use this trial to draw them closer to him and to each other.

► How can a pastor help the parents of a prodigal who is facing the emotions described above?

When children struggle, some responses are not helpful.

(1) We must not compromise biblical principles.

Some parents are tempted to compromise biblical principles to make a wayward child happy. They are tempted to compromise boundaries in areas such as worship, relationships, technology, and lifestyle. However, if these boundaries have been built with love and are biblical and reasonable, moving them will not save a son or daughter. If we move boundaries unwisely, we will soon have to move them again. The heart is the issue; the boundary is not.

(2) We must not try to manipulate the prodigal.

We must not use carnal strategies to bring our wayward son or daughter home. “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds” (2 Corinthians 10:4). We must not berate the prodigal, exclude them without cause, tell them how hurt and disappointed we are, or withhold our affection. These are carnal weapons.

When she was asked about prodigal children, Ruth Bell Graham, the wife of Billy Graham said:

It is our responsibility to do the possible, it is God’s responsibility to do the impossible. The possible includes physical care for our children, teaching, training, pointing them to Christ. The ‘impossible’ lies in the realm of miracles—conviction of sin, hunger and thirst for righteousness, and conversion. We are incapable of these, so there is rest in leaving the impossible up to God.[1]

(3) We must not enable prodigal behavior.

There was a woman whose son and daughter left home and went out to live sinful lives. She seemed heartbroken but told a friend that she was supporting her children financially, even while they practiced rebellious, sinful lifestyles. Her friend suggested that she stop making their lives easy. Instead, she should begin to pray for their unhappiness, and that they would find sin unsatisfying. This mother responded, “I could never do that! I don’t want my children to suffer!”

This woman didn’t understand that the struggles of prodigal children are often the hunger pangs that drive them to Jesus, the Bread of Life. As one teacher said, “If the prodigal son had received packages of food from his father, he would not have left the pigpen!”

Parents of prodigals pray about when to let their child struggle, and when to intervene and show mercy. Wisdom is needed for each situation. Tim remembers the time he asked the Lord to show him a practical way to affirm his love for their wayward daughter, some action that wouldn’t enable her sin. The Lord impressed two thoughts upon his mind.

The first thought was to drive to Valerie’s city and offer to bring her home for Christmas. She accepted his offer and came home with him. Though she remained dark throughout the holiday, those few days provided opportunities for the family to demonstrate unconditional love. Tim recalls, “It hurt that our love was not returned, but we knew we were doing the right thing. The Lord helped us wrap a few more cords of love around our girl.”

The second thought was to help Valerie purchase a car. Tim and Becky did not pay for it but helped her with the process of finding and purchasing the car. Tim says, “I did this because when the Lord answered our prayer, I wanted her to have a way to come home. This is exactly what happened. The night God convicted her heart, she sent a text message that said, ‘Mom, Dad, where are you? Wherever you are, I’m coming to you!’ And she drove that car to meet us!”

The Lord can help hurting parents demonstrate kindness and compassion in practical ways that do not enable sin and rebellion.

(4) We must not disown the prodigal.

Mary remembers the day that her father informed her that she was no longer welcome in his home. His anger that she had wandered from the faith caused him to cut her off. The relationship is not healed, and Mary has never returned to the faith or to her father’s house. Cutting children or grandchildren off is never a Christlike response. The love Jesus taught shows kindness even towards one’s enemies (Matthew 5:44–48), overcomes evil with good (Romans 12:21), always endures, never gives up hope, and never ends (1 Corinthians 13:7–8).

Tim and Becky’s daughter Valerie recalls how her parents continually loved her, despite her sin. She writes, “Had I been shunned because of the choices I was making, I firmly believe it would have completely turned me away. I was able to feel God’s unconditional love for me through my family during those months of rebellion.”[2]

As the parents of a prodigal child, we must follow our heavenly Father’s example. He loves us when we are most unlovable. We too must love our prodigal children when they seem unlovable.

In the previous section, we saw some wrong responses to a prodigal. Now we will look at some action steps we can take as parents and grandparents of prodigal children.

(1) Examine your heart.

Be willing to repent of what God reveals to you—mistakes you have made or sins you have committed that have influenced the prodigal. Are there secret sins that have left your family vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy? Are there things you have said or done that have provoked and discouraged your son or daughter (Colossians 3:21)? Even unintentional wrongdoing needs to be confessed as the Lord reveals it to you. Humbling yourself to ask forgiveness of your child may be appropriate. The confession of faults leads to healing (James 5:16).

(2) Pray without ceasing.

...The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working (James 5:16).

• Pray for your child’s heart, not just their behavior. Ask God to work on the root, not just the fruit. Some parents are most concerned over issues like what their children choose to wear or the music they listen to. However, the most important issue is that the heart of the child is far from God.

• Pray for your child to know the love of Christ in a personal, transforming way. We should not just pray that the prodigal will come back to church or submit to a list of rules. Instead, we must pray for genuine heart transformation. True change cannot be manipulated or forced; it comes through the Holy Spirit.

• Pray with fasting. Why is fasting important as we pray for a prodigal? Fasting helps us to see our own hearts accurately. It creates in us the humility and brokenness God responds to (Isaiah 66:2, Psalm 69:10, James 4:6–10). Fasting shows our dependence on God. True fasting helps us to hear the voice of the Spirit. Fasting is a spiritual weapon that strengthens faith for the tearing down of strongholds (Matthew 17:20–21, 2 Corinthians 10:4).

(3) Persevere in faith.

It is important to strengthen our faith through God’s Word. Meditate until your heart begins to take hold of God’s promises. Allow the Word of God to encourage you and to purify your heart and attitudes as you wait for deliverance.

Becky recalls how God spoke to her through the story of the Shunammite woman.

► Read 2 Kings 4:17–37.

This mother knew that her son was dead, but she refused to despair. In her book Becky writes,

Her actions speak volumes about her unshakeable faith and of her refusal to give way to despair. She did not do the expected. Instead, she carried her lifeless boy to the prophet’s bedroom, laid him on the prophet’s bed, and prepared him for glorious resurrection....

As I read this account from scripture, the Holy Spirit illuminated the truth to my heart. I was not to give in to what I could see with my human eyes regarding the condition of our girl.… I was to cling to God’s promises and indeed bear our daughter up on them and carry her, not to a funeral bier, but to a bed of prayer and fasting, thus preparing her for spiritual resurrection.[1]

Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7). We must never give up!

(4) Love them unconditionally.

Don’t make your prodigal feel that your love is conditioned on their spiritual choices. Avoid preaching at them. Listen more than you speak.

Becky begged and pleaded with her daughter to turn from her life of sin. She frequently warned her daughter about the consequences of her actions. She remembers the day the Holy Spirit spoke to her through his Word in Psalm 44:3:

For not by their own sword did they win the land, nor did their own arm save them, but your right hand and your arm, and the light of your face, for you delighted in them.

“It was as if God was saying to me, ‘Close your mouth. Delight in and love your daughter.’” It is important that your prodigal knows that there is nothing they could do to diminish your love for them. Your love will be the bridge they need to get back home!

Remember, God’s kindness leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). Our kindness may lead the prodigal to repentance.

(5) Set healthy boundaries.

Some situations call for tough love. It is okay to set healthy boundaries. If the prodigal is engaging in dangerous or criminal behavior, or if their actions are endangering those living in your home, you must set boundaries. If you are uncertain, discuss the appropriate boundaries with a trusted pastor or counselor.

(6) Be patient with God’s timetable.

Some prodigals come home quickly; others take decades. During the time of waiting, we are tempted to discouragement. Trust that God is always working, even when we can’t see. The Holy Spirit is not limited by distance or time. We must be patient with God’s timetable.

Some thoughts from Lettie Cowman are helpful:

• Patience takes away worry. God said he would come, and his promise is equal to his presence.

• Patience takes away weeping. He knows your need better than you do, and his purpose in waiting is to bring glory out of it all.

Patience causes us to depend on what God can do, instead of on our efforts. Our part is to believe him and rest in him. In this way, we will have peace, knowing that all is well.[2]

(7) Find support.

Don’t walk this road alone. Find:

• A small prayer group or Bible study. Spending time in God’s Word and in prayer with fellow believers is life-giving. Ask them to pray for your prodigal.

• A Christian counselor who understands family problems.

• Other parents of prodigals. Encourage one another. Pray with and for each other. Rejoice together as you see God working in the lives of your prodigals.

Remember, you are not the only parent of a prodigal, and you are not a failure.

(8) Keep the door open.

The story of the prodigal son shows a father whose heart was not hardened by the wasted inheritance, the sinful choices, or the filthy lifestyle of his wayward boy. Grace preserved his expectant, tender heart. He watched. He waited. He saw his son coming in the distance. He ran! He embraced him! He kissed him! He dressed him! He restored him! This is what grace can do in every heart. Your love will be the echo of God’s love calling your child home.

(9) When they truly and humbly return, receive them as they are.

It is not wrong to test the prodigal’s sincerity, just as Joseph tested his brothers. But if they are repentant, receive them back just as they are. They will probably come home with some problems. Spiritual restoration is often a journey, full of ups and downs. Be there for them. Encourage them. Be generous with your affirmation.

(10) Guard your expectations.

Complete healing is often a process. Scars may remain. Don’t let impatience get in the way of God’s work. Trust God to finish what he has started!

Remind a returned son or daughter of their new identity as a beloved child of God. Condemnation is gone. All is forgiven. Shame has no place. Let them know they are fully accepted. Let them know you are proud of them. Help them establish a clear conscience before God and others. They may need to make restitution, pay back debt, serve jail time, or do something else to make things right. Remind them that bearing these consequences with God’s grace will help them build character.

Keep praying fervently, loving unconditionally, and trusting completely. God is faithful, and he can bring your child home. There have been many prodigal sons and daughters who have returned to the faith and been mightily used by God. Here are a few examples:

Augustine of Hippo (354–430 A.D.) is famous for his books Confessions and The City of God. But before his conversion at the age of 31, Augustine lived in pursuit of pleasure and even fathered a child out of wedlock. Through the prayers of his mother and the preaching of Ambrose, Augustine became one of the most influential theologians in Western Christianity.

Mary of Egypt (c. 344–421 A.D.) lived a life of sexual promiscuity from a young age. She traveled to Jerusalem for sinful reasons but at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, God convicted her heart. Mary devoted the rest of her life to prayer. She is remembered as a symbol of radical repentance.

John Bunyan (1628–1688) lived a reckless life in his youth. After a spiritual awakening, he became a powerful Puritan preacher and was imprisoned for preaching without a license. In prison, he wrote his famous allegory, The Pilgrim’s Progress.

God often does his greatest work through men and women with a prodigal past. Never give up!

► Pray for God to give the families of prodigals the grace, wisdom, love, and healing they need. Pray for the prodigals to be reconciled to God and their families.

(1) Read Luke 15:11–32. Write 2–3 paragraphs summarizing lessons this parable can teach regarding the return of a prodigal son or daughter.

(2) Memorize 2 Peter 3:9. You will write or recite this scripture at the beginning of your next class.