By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Describe the characteristics and behaviors of real love.

(2) Explain what it means to love someone unconditionally.

(3) Discuss the importance of expressing love in someone’s primary love language.

(4) Use words of affirmation to express love and appreciation for a family member’s personal qualities, character traits, and personality traits.

Joseph was frustrated because his wife was unhappy. He did not understand what she wanted from him. Joseph worked hard and provided his wife and children with a home and food and everything necessary for life. He allowed his wife to buy anything she wanted. His wife did not have to worry about anything. What more could a wife want? Joseph felt that his wife did not appreciate his work.

Hannah was unhappy because she wanted Joseph to show his love by thinking of special things to do for her. Her favorite gift from Joseph was a small wooden plaque with her name that Joseph made for her in his shop. Instead of his telling her to buy whatever she wanted, she wished he would buy flowers for her sometimes.

Joseph and Hannah talked about their feelings and began to understand each other’s needs.

► What does it mean to truly love someone?

► A student should read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 for the group. From this passage, list love’s attributes and actions. List the things that love is not and what love does not do.

Printable PDF can be found in the Appendix/additional files.

It may seem like from this passage that love is known for what it is not more than for what it is. But the descriptions of what love is not like teach us about what love is like. If love is not arrogant, then what is it? It is the opposite. Love is humble.

► Now list the opposites for each of the things that are not true of love, as described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and written in the table above.

Real love:

• Is not merely a feeling (though feelings often accompany love).

• Is given by choice, not because of requirement.

• [1]Is a commitment.

• Is sacrificial.

• Is unconditional; it does not depend on the other person’s actions.

• Is intentional, not accidental.

• Costs something.

• Seeks what is best for the other person.

• Expresses itself by giving.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son…” (John 3:16). True love expresses itself by giving. This isn’t always the giving of a tangible, material gift. Sometimes the gift is loving words. Sometimes the gift is time: being with someone and being available to them. Sometimes love is given through acts of service or a loving touch. God the Father loved us so much that he gave us the best that he had, his only Son, so that we could become his children too. When we truly love others, we will also give.

Real love is unconditional. It is not dependent on the behavior or worthiness of the one being loved. It does not say, “If you do this and please me in this way, I will love you; but if you do that and displease me, I will not love you.”

Conditional love says, “If your behavior pleases me, I will reward you with expressions of love that are meaningful to you. But if you do not do what I want, I will withhold meaningful expressions of love.”

Genuine love is unconditional. It will express itself no matter what the recipient does or doesn’t do. It will express itself even when the recipient is unable to respond in love; when he has nothing to give in return.

It is important to realize that loving someone unconditionally doesn't necessarily mean we give them what they want. It doesn’t mean we remove the consequences of their wrong behavior. It does mean that we always try to do what is best for them. It is difficult to watch a loved one suffer, but if they are doing wrong, the experience of suffering is often the only thing that can turn them away from their destructive behavior. Sometimes what is best for our loved one is that they be allowed to struggle. At other times, it is best for us to help them out of their struggle. We often need godly counsel and the help of the Holy Spirit to know what we should do in these situations.

► What would motivate us to love others with unconditional love?

► A student should read Romans 5:8 for the group.

Many people feel that God’s love is based on their performance. Because of this, they do not understand why they should love other people unconditionally. But Romans 5:8 tells us that God already loved us when we were his enemies. He gave us the Savior when we were sinners. His love for all people is unconditional. His love is not based on your behavior or perfection. God loves you for who you are as a person, made in his image.

He wants us to love others in the same way he loves us (John 15:12, Ephesians 5:2, 1 John 4:11). The primary reason we must love others unconditionally is that God calls us to (Matthew 5:43-48, 1 Peter 4:8).

God loves variety. He gives people unique personalities. No two individuals have exactly the same way of thinking and of communicating their feelings. Because of differences in personality, our family members have needs somewhat different from ours. Our differences daily affect family relationships.

One of the ways in which individuals differ is in how they express love and in what makes them feel loved, appreciated, and secure in their relationships with others.

There are many ways to express love, and many ways to make people feel loved. Gary Chapman lists five general categories of expressions of love.[1] He calls them the Five Love Languages. Each of these ways of showing love is a whole system of behavior, not just an individual action.

Though everyone needs to be loved in all five ways, it seems like most individuals feel more loved with one kind of expression than they feel with other types of expressions. The other expressions of love do not mean as much to them.

The Five Love Languages

People show love through:

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Gifts

4. Acts of service

5. Physical touch

Likewise, people recognize and receive love in those five ways.

A Primary Love Language

Most people naturally recognize and express love in primarily one or two of those five ways. If family members are not expressing their love for a spouse or child in that person’s primary love language, that spouse or child may not feel loved, though they are being shown love in other ways.

A particular woman may primarily express love by giving her time to the ones she loves. She tries to be available to talk to and interact with those she loves. She takes time for doing activities together. Likewise, because that is the primary way she shows love, it is the way she most easily recognizes others’ love for her. She feels most loved when someone gives her their time. If her husband buys her gifts or does something for her, it does not mean as much to her as when he spends focused time with her.

A particular man may primarily show love through physical touch. He hugs his wife and children and is happy when they hug him and want to be close to him. He may hug his friends or at least pat their shoulders or push or scuffle with them affectionately. He may appreciate his wife’s hard work for their family, but the work is not what makes him feel like she loves him. He feels loved when she sits beside him and lets him put his arm around her, or when she touches him in various affectionate ways.

A vehicle has a fuel tank. When the tank is empty, the vehicle does not function. When a person receives love in the way he recognizes and needs love, it provides emotional fuel. When a person’s emotional tank is full, he has confidence and energy for challenges. He is more able to cooperate with others. He is more able to resolve conflicts. He feels motivated to improve and achieve.

When a person does not receive love in the way he needs, he lacks emotional fuel. A person rarely makes great efforts for accomplishment or improvement if he does not feel loved.

If we do not frequently show our family members love in their primary love language, they may not realize how much we love them. This is true, regardless of how much we feel that we love them. We must communicate our love in a way they understand.

If we are hurtful to someone in their primary love language, it is even worse. For example, if words of affirmation are the most important way we can show love to our child, our critical words hurt the child more than if he had a different primary love language.

In Lesson 1, we learned about how God made all people for relationship with himself and with others. Expressions of love are an important part of every relationship. It is important for us to understand the ways in which our spouses, children, and other immediate family members feel most loved. This knowledge enables us to express our love for them in ways that are the most meaningful to them individually.

Marriage is rarely exactly what people expect it to be. People are often disappointed by differences between themselves and their spouses. When it comes to expressions of love, it may seem that the best situation is for both people to have the same primary love language. Many misunderstandings and frustrations could be avoided if they were similar in this way. However, differences such as these can strengthen marriages if spouses are committed to their marriage and to growing in their love for one another.

[1]The process of trying to understand each other, adapt to each other, and show care in meaningful ways develops each person and becomes a wonderful demonstration of real love. As we serve our family members by demonstrating love to them in ways that make them feel loved, we grow in our understanding and character.

When it comes to expressing love to our spouses and other family members, it is important to realize that we cannot express love only in our own way, or express love only when we feel like it. Love is a choice and a commitment, motivated by the value of the relationship. In some cases, we will have to learn new ways of showing love. Maybe we did not grow up in a family that expressed love in a particular way, but a family member today needs to be loved that way. In situations like this, expressing love in an unfamiliar way may feel strange or uncomfortable to us at first, but we can learn! It is important to never act like it is an unpleasant duty or inconvenience to demonstrate our love. If it seems like we are acting out of obligation, our expression of love will not communicate real love.

► Students should read Romans 12:9-10, 16 and 1 Peter 3:7-8 for the group. From these scriptures, name several reasons we should care about which ways our family members feel most loved.

It is important to remember that love is a self-sacrificial commitment to seeking another person's greatest good.

We are born with a self-centered nature. Real love for others does not come naturally to any of us. Real love is made possible by the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts (Romans 5:5). As believers, we must learn to have Christ’s way of thinking, as Paul described in Philippians 2. When we do, we will:

• Not be motivated by selfish ambition (verse 3)

• Not have an inflated view of our own importance (verse 3)

• Consider others more significant than ourselves (verse 3)

• Look out for the interests of others (verse 4)

We must make a commitment to grow in our love for our family members. We should learn to notice their needs and look for ways to meet them. Our goal should be to show our love for them in the ways they feel most loved.

We as parents should also teach our children to be considerate of their siblings, parents, and grandparents in these ways. Our children need to learn to love and serve their families. They can learn how to express love for their family in the most meaningful ways. We must teach by example. We should also take time to explain these concepts to them and guide them in making applications in their relationships.

► What are some ways parents can help their children learn this self-giving love for others, starting with their own family?

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation feel most loved when others use words to sincerely express appreciation for them. If a woman’s primary love language is words of affirmation, her husband could express his love for her while talking to her or about her. He could write a note to her, telling her some specific reasons he appreciates her. He may talk to someone else about his wife’s good character or work. When his wife hears his words, she feels loved and valued.

We can ask our friends for advice in a way that affirms their value. For example:

• “You always add a helpful perspective, so I want to get your thoughts on this…”

• “You are experienced in this matter, and I would love your advice.”

• “You know a lot more about ____ than I do, so if you have any suggestions or recommendations for me, I’d be happy to hear them.”

All words of affirmation must be spoken in sincerity. Otherwise, they are useless or even hurtful. Words of affirmation that are not sincere weaken relationships. They are not based on truth, so the hearer cannot trust the speaker’s motivation.

Sincere words of affirmation are true to reality. They are not fake or exaggerated. Sincere affirmation is expressed from the heart. What is said is what the speaker truly feels and believes.

Words of affirmation can motivate the hearer to further growth and future success but should never be manipulative. We should not try to control others with words of affirmation.

► A student should read Ephesians 4:29 for the group. What description is given here for things that should not be said? What should our words accomplish? Are some words appropriate in one situation and not another?

What we say to others should always be appropriate and gracious. The things we say should give God opportunities to work in the lives of those who we are speaking to. What we say should be constructive, not destructive. It should promote health and healing, and never be damaging.

Topics of Affirmation

There are different types of words of affirmation. Not all words of affirmation are of the same value or importance. Higher quality words of affirmation require more thought and effort from the person giving them; it may even feel awkward to say them at times; but those words communicate love in the strongest, most meaningful ways.

Complimenting Appearance

Complimenting someone’s appearance can be one way of giving affirmation, especially if it shows appreciation for their effort or the way they express their personality. However, complimenting someone’s appearance is shallow affirmation, especially when it doesn’t relate to the essence of the person.

Exceptionally attractive people who have often been complimented tend to become insecure about their appearance, because they begin to feel that their value depends on it, and they think it should be perfect.

Personal worth is not determined by attractiveness. Also, there are limits to what individuals can do to improve their physical attractiveness. Because of these things, this kind of affirmation should not be overused.

Commending Accomplishments and Service

Another way to affirm someone with words is to commend him for his accomplishments and performance. The person who is speaking takes time to express appreciation for what the other person has done, instead of taking their action for granted.

Examples:

• A wife commends her husband for achieving a difficult goal that he was working towards.

• A husband notices and thanks his wife for what she did to help him with a project he was working on.

• Family members compliment the cook who made a delicious meal for them to enjoy.

When complimenting performance or accomplishment, try to avoid making the person think that your love depends on that person’s performance. For example, to tell your son you are proud of him because he scored well on a test could make him feel that you will love him less if he scores lower. One way to affirm the value of the person is to say “I’m happy that you did well on that test. I’m proud of you for taking responsibility to study and do your best.” But however you do it, don’t fail to compliment accomplishments that are important to them.

Recognizing Character and Effort

It is best to affirm a person’s character and the effort that made him successful rather than just affirming good performance. For example, a child athlete should be commended more for his diligent effort and good attitude than for winning a game. Few people can always excel in performance, but a person can choose to show good character, and character is most important.

Celebrating Someone for Who They Are

The best affirmation recognizes someone’s characteristics: personal qualities, character traits, and personality traits. This kind of affirmation is stronger than affirmation of accomplishments because it is based on the value of the person himself, not on changeable circumstances.

Examples:

• “Children are drawn to you! You are so good at explaining things to them, and you are so patient with their questions.”

• “I confide in you, because I have found that you are trustworthy.”

Closely related to this type of affirmation, is recognition of how God is working in someone’s life, enabling them to be a certain way or do a certain thing.

Examples:

• “I love to see how God is using you in the lives of the young people you are mentoring. One of them told me that she wants to live for Jesus because of watching your life!”

• “I believe God is going to help you with this challenging task you’ve been assigned. I will be praying for you!”

Expressions of joy and thankfulness for the person’s presence and relationship are some of the strongest words of affirmation. They express the value of the person.

Examples:

• “Family gatherings are always more special when you are there.”

• “I love being with you.”

• “You are precious to me, and I love you!”

Important Notes Related to Words and Affirmation

1. Never criticize or ridicule a person’s physical characteristics. People carry physical characteristics with them throughout life. Never give someone a nickname based on a physical characteristic, especially a flaw.

2. Affirming strengths, qualities, and good behavior motivates the hearer to continue and grow in them. Pointing out flaws rarely helps.

3. Giving advice can imply fault in the hearer. Affirmation can help a person feel safer while receiving advice. If you need to give someone advice, offer strong affirmation along with the advice.

4. Suggestions in the form of complaints do not motivate. For example, saying that a task should have already been done, or expressing embarrassment over someone’s failure to do it, is not helpful. These statements make the person feel like he has already failed; if he does the task late, he will still feel that he failed.

Hurtful Words

The person who most needs words of affirmation is most hurt by the opposite kind of words. Criticism is particularly painful and makes him doubt his value as a person. Rash, angry words cause emotional injury from which a person may never completely heal. This is especially true when the speaker does not understand the pain his words caused and never apologizes.

Just as the strongest words of affirmation relate to a person’s value, so the worst, most hurtful statements are a personal attack. For example, “I wish I had never met you.”

The next worse statements are those that declare something about the person’s essential character “You are ____.” Damaging statements about behavior include those that start with “You always ____” or “You never ____.” Those statements imply that the person is unlikely to improve because of essential, unchangeable flaws.

If someone is wounded—especially if he is wounded in his primary love language—he will naturally try to retreat from further injury. People who use negative words are usually not generous with positive words, so the hearer has little hope that he can earn better treatment by changing his behavior. He will not be motivated to improve his behavior so that he can earn love.

Sometimes people who are angry say hurtful things because they want to hurt someone. Other times, the speaker has good intentions, yet their words are still hurtful. Some people use negative words to try to force someone to have better behavior, but that almost never works.

► A student should read Colossians 3:8 for the group. Believers must not continue to sin against God and against others in these ways.

► In your own words, describe real love. Why must the Holy Spirit help us be able to love others as we ought?

► Explain what it means to love someone unconditionally. What is the significance of God’s unconditional love for you?

► Why is it especially important to express love for your spouse or child in their primary love language?

► How has receiving words of affirmation been helpful to you?

► How have you demonstrated your love for your family members with words of affirmation this week?

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for teaching me about true, unconditional love. Thank you for describing it in your Word and for demonstrating it through your love for me.

Help me learn to love and serve my family as Christ loved and served me. Enable me to focus on the well-being of my spouse, children, siblings, and parents.

Thank you for reminding me of the importance of the words that I say. I am sorry for the words that I have said that have been hurtful to others and dishonoring to you. Please help me to remember that my words must be affirming, constructive, and healing.

Amen

(1) Talk to a couple with a strong marriage, asking them questions to learn from their lives. When you have finished the conversation, write two paragraphs about the insights they shared and anything that you want to apply in your own marriage.

Here are some ideas of questions to ask:

• What are some differences between your personalities that have affected your relationship?

• How have each of you grown because of these differences?

• How have you had to adjust your expectations, perspective, and behavior so that you could honor and serve each other?

• What are some practical ways you demonstrate your love for one another?

• What does your spouse do or say that helps you know you are loved?

• How has your relationship with your spouse affected your relationship with God?

(2) In Proverbs 31:10-31 the writer includes many words of affirmation for his wife. The descriptions of her behavior and words tell us about her character. For what kinds of things does he affirm his wife? Look in the passage for these things:

• Her appearance

• Her accomplishments and service

• Her character and effort

• Who she is as a person

• Who she is as a believer

What can we learn from what is emphasized in this passage?