Lesson 7: Cultivating a Strong Marriage

By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Understand the relationship between God's design of the needs of men and women and God’s instructions for relationships in marriage.

(2) Demonstrate ways that husbands and wives meet each other’s needs by obeying Scriptural principles.

It is no secret that men and women are different in many ways! Many men struggle to express their emotions, while many women consider expression of emotions to be part of real communication. Men tend to take more risks, while women are usually concerned about security. Men are naturally more attracted to physical beauty, while most women are naturally more attracted to emotional intimacy. Many more differences could be listed.

Besides the usual differences between the genders, a husband and wife have differences in personality. Maybe one enjoys being with people, but the other enjoys solitude. There are small preferences, such as how much light should be in the house or what temperature a room should have. Many marriages are troubled by disagreements about how money should be spent. These differences are not necessarily differences in character; they can simply be differences in personality and opinion.

Because marriage unites a man and woman, sometimes people think that the differences should end. A person may think that his spouse’s differences are defects that should be corrected. Each spouse may persistently try to change the other spouse’s opinions, habits, and preferences.

It is true that each person should develop and improve because of a relationship. However, sometimes our attempt to change a person is an attack of the person’s individuality. In healthy marriages, each spouse cultivates the discipline of loving, respecting, appreciating, and serving the other.

► What are other differences between men and women? What are other differences in personality that people should accept?

In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas says,

A good marriage is not something you find, it’s something you work for. It takes struggle. You must crucify your selfishness. You must at times confront, and at other times confess. The practice of forgiveness is essential. This is undeniably hard work, but eventually it pays off. Eventually, it creates a relationship of beauty, trust, and mutual support.[1]

Thomas quotes Otto Piper:

If marriage… is a disillusioning experience for many people, the reason is to be found in the [apathy] of their faith. People dislike the fact that the blessings of God may only be found and enjoyed when they are persistently sought (Matthew 7:7; Luke 11:9). Marriage is, therefore, both a gift and a task to be accomplished.[2]

Marriages often fail to flourish simply because husbands and wives are thinking of their own needs rather than trying to meet one another’s needs.

We cannot meet each other’s deepest needs. Our heavenly Father alone can fully satisfy our longings and desires, and that’s why Jesus came. His purpose is to save us, fill us with His Spirit—the Holy Spirit—and to bring us into a deep and satisfying relationship with “Abba, Father” (Romans 8:14-15; Galatians 4:6).

However, one of God’s purposes for marriage is that it be a training ground for servanthood; the same kind of servanthood we observe in Jesus (John 13:14). God wants to develop in each spouse the humble heart of a servant that is concerned for the other (Philippians 2:3-8).

Some of the most beautiful, happy marriages exist because one spouse chose to forget self and serve the other through an unusually difficult situation of sickness, failure, tragedy, or grief. Some husbands testify that their lives would have been hopelessly destroyed if their wives had not prayed for them, forgiven them, held them accountable, and unconditionally loved them when they were most unlovable. Some wives testify that it was their husband’s patience and understanding that enabled them to overcome the emotional damage caused by an abusive father or other trauma. Because we live in a fallen, sinful world, in which all creation groans (Romans 8:22), every married person carries wounds and scars. But God’s grace can enable us to care for one another and to bandage one another’s wounds!

Each of us was born selfish. We are naturally more concerned about our own needs than about the needs of others. God’s saving and sanctifying grace can change us through the indwelling Holy Spirit until we become people who put the needs of others before our own. Marriages flourish when each spouse is attentive to the needs and desires of the other.

► What does it mean to choose to serve?

God designed men and women to have different needs and desires. That means that a man should not assume that his wife would be happy with the same things that make him happy. A wife should not assume that her husband wants to be treated the same way she wants to be treated. Obviously, some manners of kindness and courtesy should be the same for both, yet men and women each have some unique needs.

If we understand the special needs of men and women, we can understand how to meet the needs of a spouse. It is sad that many arguments and discussions between husbands and wives do not solve the problems because each person fails to understand the needs of the other. Each may be angry and resentful because the other does not understand.

All people need to be loved and respected, but there is a difference between men and women. The primary need of a woman is love, and the primary need of a man is respect.[1]

► How have you observed this difference between the needs of men and women?

Ephesians 5:25, 28 says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies…”

A husband should frequently tell his wife that he loves her and should not assume that she knows. He must also show his love with more than words. He must show love in the ways that are significant to her. He should not think that she should feel loved because he shows love in the ways that are significant to him. Her needs are different from his.

(1) A husband loves his wife by providing security.[1]

A wife wants to know that the husband protects her physically and emotionally. The husband should deal with any conflicts with neighbors. The husband should make sure the home is a safe place. He should speak in her defense when she is criticized by others, even relatives. He should not strike his wife or hurt her physically in any way to make her obey him. He should do his best to provide the material needs of his family. If a husband is careless with money, his wife feels that he does not care about the needs of his family.

Financial Points for Husbands

Money problems are one of the greatest causes of conflict in a marriage. Husbands,

• Refuse to do anything dishonest or immoral for profit; remember you are under God’s authority.

• Give your tithe to the church because you are trusting God to provide for you.

• Look for the best option of employment but be willing to do unpleasant work for now.

• Whether employed or not, find work to do every day to help yourself and others.

• Don’t spend tomorrow’s money by borrowing money today.

• When you spend money for pleasure, include your wife and children.

• Save routinely for the routine expenses like the rent for your home.

• Invest money to improve your situation rather than spending money for comfort.

(2) A husband loves his wife by reserving himself for her.

A husband should keep himself morally pure and take delight in his wife, “a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:19). If a husband has inappropriate or immoral relationships with other women or uses impure entertainment, his wife feels unloved.

(3) A husband loves his wife by trying to understand her.

A husband will not always succeed in understanding his wife, but he should take the time to listen to and study her. Scripture tells husbands, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way… since they are heirs with you of the grace of life…” (1 Peter 3:7). If a husband ridicules his wife’s feelings and opinions, she does not feel loved. She needs him to try to understand her concern even if her statements do not seem logical to him.

Because God made the husband the head of the home (Ephesians 5:23), the husband has the responsibility to lead the home (1 Timothy 3:4-5). However, the husband and wife should take time for discussion until they can agree on most decisions. The husband should not be quick to decide something without considering the feelings and opinions of his wife. If they cannot agree on an issue, the husband may need to make a decision, but he should feel sorrow that they failed to come to agreement. Usually the absence of unity is a warning to the husband. Women often have wisdom and discernment which men need to make good decisions.

► A student should read Ephesians 4:2-3, 15-16 for the group. How do these verses apply to the relationship between a husband and wife?

(4) A husband loves his wife by appreciating her.[2]

Many wives feel that their husbands do not appreciate the work they do. A husband should show gratitude to his wife. He should recognize the effort that she makes for their family. He should never criticize her in the presence of other people.[3] He should praise her character, attractiveness, and abilities. As much as he is able, he should provide for her to dress well. A wife does not feel loved when she feels that her husband does not care about her appearance.

When a husband criticizes his wife he may cause her to think that she is inadequate as a person and discourage her. Paul tells believers, “to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people” (Titus 3:2). If criticism is necessary, a husband should be very careful to affirm that his appreciation of his wife is greater than his criticism. He should avoid pointing out the examples of women who are superior to his wife in various characteristics.

(5) A husband loves his wife by taking time for the relationship.

To share life together requires time for conversation. Relationships are deepened through words (Proverbs 16:24, Proverbs 20:5). Spouses should talk about the things that fill their days. They should talk about their friendships, their feelings, their desires, and their concerns. A wife feels loved when her husband takes the time to talk and listen. When he comes home tired from work he may not feel like talking or hearing about problems at home, but he must not neglect this need. If a husband wants physical intimacy but is not available for emotional intimacy, the wife feels that she is used and not loved.

(6) A husband loves his wife by being patient with her weaknesses.

1 Peter 3:7 teaches, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel…” Most women are not as physically strong as most men. Also, most women are more vulnerable to emotional pain and distress than most men. A man should comfort and encourage his wife. He should learn how to relieve her stress. He should avoid making demands of her when she is tired, stressed, or worried.

(7) A husband loves his wife by meeting her practical needs.

Just as a man wants to have the best tools for his work and a good place to do his work, he should provide a good environment for his wife. He should make sure the home is repaired and equipped with the things that she needs.

Results When Husbands Love Their Wives

Most husbands find that when they show love to their wives, their wives respond with joy and cooperation. Women feel happiness when their husbands are devoted to them and show love to them in the ways listed. Men get the most from their marriage when they show love to their wives (Ephesians 5:28). However, men are not guaranteed results. There are exceptions. A man should not show love for the purpose of getting what he wants. He should show love in order to please God and to meet the needs of his wife rather than worrying about his own needs.

Some wives have been emotionally damaged by past experiences, and they may not respond to their husbands’ love quickly. These practices of showing love are not a technique to try for a few days as an experiment. A husband should continue to consistently show love in these ways because of the love he has in his heart for God and for his wife. Christ loves the Church with this faithfulness and self-sacrificing commitment.

Ephesians 5:33 commands, “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

A man needs respect. Most men would rather be respected by other people than be liked by them. God designed men to protect, support, and lead their families. The position of a father and husband deserves respect even before he does anything to earn respect. A wife should behave respectfully toward her husband even if his actions are wrong. She should treat him as a person, made in God’s image, who is important even when he does not use his authority perfectly (Ephesians 5:23). This does not mean that she cannot tell him she disagrees with his actions or decisions, but she should not treat him disrespectfully.

When a wife respects her husband by freely submitting to his authority, she displays her love for Jesus (Ephesians 5:22, 31-33).

Some wives think that they love their husbands even while they treat them disrespectfully—criticize them to their friends, behave secretively, and use hurtful words. They should understand that no amount of affection can compensate for disrespect.

Most women have a strong inclination to be motherly to a small child. They have a natural ability and a natural desire to care for the needs of a baby. Imagine how a woman would feel if someone said, “You are not capable of taking care of a baby.” Likewise, men have a strong inclination to protect, provide, and lead. When a man’s wife tells him he is unable to do those things, he feels that he is a failure as a man.

A wife should understand that there will be other men who have stronger personalities, earn more money, or hold higher positions than her husband. She should not make her husband feel like a failure by comparing him to others. As we learn from Ephesians 5:21-33, a wife is one with her husband. When a wife criticizes him or compares him to others, she damages both of them and their relationship.

► A student should read Proverbs 31:11-12, 26 for the group. What do these verses teach us about how a godly wife treats her husband in her behavior and words?

(1) A wife respects her husband with words of affirmation.

A wife should affirm her husband’s potential. Respect will be evident in the affirming words a wife speaks to her husband. Words have a powerful effect on most men. They will either build up or tear down (Proverbs 14:1). They will either encourage or weaken. They will either strengthen his confidence or break his spirit (Proverbs 18:21). A man may not succeed at every enterprise or be able to hold some positions, but his wife should affirm his efforts to provide a home and security for his family. She should try not to discourage him from having ideas and attempting new challenges.

► Students should read Proverbs 15:4 and Proverbs 16:24 for the group.

(2) A wife respects her husband through submission (1 Peter 3:5).

A wife’s submission does not mean that she is inferior to her husband. Instead it means that their roles are different. Even in the Trinity we see that the Son submits to the Father, though the Son is not inferior to the Father in nature or power or any attribute.

This principle is not easy for some wives, especially if their husband does not live by God’s Word, or if he is unkind to them. Some wives feel that they can make better decisions for themselves or for their family than their husband can. Sometimes the wife is right, and the husband is wrong. However, if a wife submits to her husband only when she agrees with him, she is taking the authority and is not truly in submission. To submit means to allow another to make the decision.

Peter tells wives,

Be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives…. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. (1 Peter 3:1, 3-4).

There are many difficult situations. Many wives ask questions. “If he tells me to _______ do I have to do it?” This lesson cannot speak to the great variety of situations that exist. However, the problem of submission often is not because a husband requires things that a wife should not do. A wife may not want to submit because she thinks that her husband would be unreasonable if she did. Maybe the husband is not loving and kind. A wife may not want to surrender her freedom to make her own decisions. The wife may have an attitude of defiance. The wife uses examples of her husband’s unkind actions or mistakes as an excuse for rejecting his authority in general. This is disobedience to the commands of God’s Word.

The Bible tells us that a godly, submissive wife may win her husband to the Lord. We are not guaranteed that a husband will become a believer because of a good wife, but he is much less likely to become a believer if his Christian wife is defiant. A wife may gain much favor from her husband by being respectful, but that is not the primary reason she should do it. She should respect her husband because she owes him respect and because she wants to please God.

Proverbs 12:4 says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” If a wife treats her husband disrespectfully in the presence of his friends, it takes honor from him that she may never be able to restore. Men admire other men who have devoted wives. Men pity other men who have disrespectful wives.

(3) The wife respects her husband by giving attention to his needs (Proverbs 31:15, 21, 25, 27).

When a wife learns special details of preparing food and taking care of the house in ways that please her husband, he feels honored. If she refuses to change her habits for his sake, he feels that he is unimportant to her.

If a wife is busy with work or friends or church or entertainment and does not take time to listen to her husband talk or observe his needs, he feels that he is unimportant to her.

Genesis 2:18 teaches, “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’”

(4) A wife respects her husband by giving physical affection.

Sexual satisfaction seems to be more important to most men than it is to some women. A woman may not as often be interested in sexual activity unless her emotions and mood are inclined to it, which is less often than a man would want. That means that a husband may often be discontented while his wife does not understand his need. She may even despise male sexual desire because of previous abuse that she experienced or observed. A husband should try to be patient and understanding of his wife. But a wife should realize that it is good for her to meet the sexual need of her husband even at times when she does not feel the need herself. If a man is faithful and devoted to his wife, without wrong relationships with other women, he may feel resentment when his wife does not care about his need. A husband’s faithfulness to his marriage commitment should never depend on his physical satisfaction, but his wife’s attention to his sexual needs can lessen his struggle with temptation.

Song of Solomon points out, “My beloved is mine, and I am his… Come, my beloved, let us go out into the fields and lodge in the villages... there I will give you my love. (Song of Solomon 2:16; Song of Solomon 7:11-12, emphasis added; see also 1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

The descriptions in these paragraphs do not apply to every conflict in marriage, but they are common. These descriptions show the natural behavioral cause-and-effect cycles that happen when spouses respond to their feelings unspiritually, instead of (1) recognizing what they are feeling, (2) remembering God's truth and what he wants for them, and (3) depending on the Spirit to help them respond in Biblical ways.

If a wife is not walking in the Spirit and letting God’s love work through her she may react in natural ways that harm her marriage. If a wife does not feel loved, she does not feel secure. She begins to assert herself and resist her husband’s authority because she does not trust him to care about her. When she does this, he feels disrespected. If he tries to assert authority and demand respect, she feels even more that he does not love her.

If a husband is not walking in the Spirit and letting God’s love work through him, he may fail to have the attitude that strengthens his marriage. When a husband feels disrespected, he feels hurt and angry. He may say hurtful things to his wife. If he is trying to control his feelings, he may become silent. He does not want to be near his wife or open his heart to her, because he feels that she is not an ally. When he does this, his wife doesn’t understand why. Maybe she treated him disrespectfully because she was trying to make him realize that she was not happy and that he should change. When he becomes angry or withdraws, she thinks he is confirming that he does not care about her feelings. She may become even more disrespectful.

A person becomes more vulnerable to temptation when the marriage relationship is damaged. The wife is tempted to be more resistant to her husband’s leadership. She is tempted to talk to others about him disrespectfully. She may be tempted to enjoy the attention of another man who seems to appreciate her. The husband is tempted to stay away from his wife because her behavior offends him. He does not feel like doing loving actions for her. He may be tempted to enjoy the attention of another woman who admires him.

Each person is responsible to God for choices. God will not excuse a person’s sin because of what a spouse did. God promises the strength to help us live as we should. The purpose of this information is not for a person to demand what is needed from a spouse or to blame a spouse for one’s own sin. The purpose is so that a person can realize the responsibility to please God and give what a spouse needs.

Sometimes a person looks for a way to make his life easier. A husband wants to make his life easier by causing his wife to change. Likewise, a wife may think her life would be better if her husband would change. A person asks a counselor or pastor or friends how to change the other person. Changing one’s spouse is not the right goal. A person who tries to make his life easier by using relationship techniques is not motivated by love for God or the other person.

Sometimes a person tries for years to correct the faults of the other person. They never stop criticizing the same faults. Even though every person has real faults, each spouse must eventually accept the spouse with the faults. Faults may be personality flaws, character flaws, or spiritual flaws (even sin). The relationship should not depend on the willingness of the other person to change. He may feel unable to change. Whatever the reason is that he does not change, each spouse should show love and respect, valuing the person even with his faults.

God designed the natures of men and women, and he designed marriage to meet human needs. However, we live in a world where marriages and families are very damaged by sin. Each of us is individually damaged by our own sins and the sins of others that have affected us. We cannot experience marriage as God intended without grace that changes us and helps us show grace to others. We need the cleansing of God’s Spirit in order to have motives that are pure, love that is strong, and humility that serves.

► What are some concepts in this lesson that are new to you? How do you plan to change your attitudes and behavior?

► What can the church do to strengthen marriages?

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for designing the marriage relationship to meet so many special needs. Thank you for giving us instructions for marriage.

Help us to have the love and understanding to care as we should. Help us to have families that demonstrate your love in the world.

Thank you for your grace that helps us to love as you do.

Amen

(1) Memorize 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. At the beginning of the next class, write or recite the passage from memory.

(2) Write a two-page paper describing the needs of either the husband or the wife. Give examples of behavior by the spouse that helps to meet those needs. Use scriptures to support each of the needs you discuss.