Ruth was raised in a Christian family in India. One day her family told her about a young preacher named Samuel who needed a wife. They also talked to Samuel about her. Ruth said she was not interested in meeting him. One day she came home in the evening and found that Samuel had been waiting there for several hours to meet her. She was not happy to see him, but she sat down to let him talk to her. He said, “I’m a Bible institute teacher. I don’t get paid much. I also travel to preach the gospel in difficult places, and sometimes I sleep outside on the ground. Are you willing to suffer with me?” Ruth began to weep as he spoke because she felt that God was telling her that this was the man she should marry. After that conversation, they saw each other rarely, and never alone, until the wedding. They have now served together in ministry many years.
The Choice of a Spouse
Choose Carefully!
Jesus said that marriage is a lifelong commitment, by God’s design (Matthew 19:6-8). You are not just marrying someone for right now. You are marrying someone to have as your life partner until one of you dies (Romans 7:2). Make a wise choice!
You will not share only the good times and joys of life. You will share the difficulties, heartaches, crises, and tragedies of life. You do not know what kind of sorrows you will face. There are many blessings from being married to a good and godly mate in the hard times. But the hard times are worse when you have a spouse who is not strong in the Lord. You are marrying someone for the rest of your lives—for all conditions. Choose a spouse carefully!
[1]You are marrying someone with whom to raise a family. You are choosing your children’s parent and the grandparent of your descendants. You are choosing someone whose spiritual life will greatly influence your children’s spiritual lives. You are choosing someone whose character, habits, and behaviors your children will imitate (Ephesians 5:1). You are choosing the one who will shape and train your children through example and speech (Proverbs 23:26). Choose someone who will nurture and cherish your children, someone who will lead and discipline them with carefulness, diligence, and love. You are choosing someone who will impact generations—for good or for harm. Choose wisely!
► Students should read Proverbs 14:1, Proverbs 24:3-4, and Proverbs 31:10-12, 30 for the group.
Your choice of a marriage partner is the second most important decision you will ever make; the first is your choice to take Jesus as your own Lord and Savior. Your choice will change the course of your life, but it will affect many other people too. A wise choice will bless you and many other people. A foolish choice will harm you and many other people. Choose prayerfully!
There are no perfect people in the world. You have problems, weaknesses, and failures. Your spouse will also be imperfect and will remain imperfect throughout life. So don’t look for a perfect spouse. Instead, look for a spouse who loves God without reserve. Look for someone who is humble enough to admit and correct mistakes and failures. A spouse like this will be a blessing to you, and you can support and help each other in areas of weakness.
► Students should read Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 12:15, Proverbs 13:18, and Proverbs 23:22 for the group.
Choose wisely. Choose for a lifetime. Get advice from godly people and your parents. Listen to their warnings. Do not just listen to your own emotions. The choice is too important for you to be careless.
Do Not Marry an Unbeliever
One of the things that is very important to God is that his people marry only fellow believers. This is because one’s relationship with God is the most important thing in all of life and eternity. Marriage—the closest of all human relationships—affects a person’s relationship with God. It is more difficult for a believer to maintain a close and careful walk with God while having an unbelieving spouse.
Furthermore, a parent’s unbelief greatly influences children against Christ. In families where one parent is an unbeliever, it is very rare for all of the children to serve the Lord. God wants us to serve him, and God tells us to raise our children to serve him (Genesis 18:19; Deuteronomy 6:2, 7; Malachi 2:15).
In the Old Testament, the Israelites were not allowed to marry anyone outside the family of faith.[2] God knew that marriage to unbelievers would cause people to worship other gods, ruining their relationship with the one true God! The Old Testament shows us that is exactly what happened in Israel.[3]
Still today, believers must marry only believers. Do not compromise on this. Do not excuse a romantic relationship with an unbeliever.
► Students should read 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 and 1 Corinthians 7:39 for the group.
When Your Spouse Is Not a Believer
God does not want an unmarried believer to marry an unbeliever. That is certain. But when one spouse of an unbelieving family comes to Christ for salvation, he should remain married to his unsaved spouse, unless that spouse refuses to remain with him (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). In some cases, unbelieving spouses have been won to salvation because of the faith of their Christian husband or wife (1 Corinthians 7:14, 16; 1 Peter 3:1-2). But Christian singles should never even consider marriage to someone who is not a believer.
Characteristics to Consider in a Potential Spouse
In preparation for marriage, individuals should develop character traits that will help them to be good spouses. As they seek someone to marry, they should look for someone who is also growing in these same characteristics.
[4](1) Marry someone whose relationship with Christ will encourage you in your own relationship with Christ and cause you to grow spiritually (2 Peter 1:5-9, 2 Peter 3:18).
(2) Marry someone who has good character. Ephesians 5:33 commands wives to respect their husbands regardless of their character, but this is so much easier to do when they are married to men who are worthy of respect. Good character includes such behaviors as practicing forgiveness, having self-control, being humble, being diligent and responsible, and having a teachable spirit. The person you marry will not be perfect but should be growing in these behaviors.
God has high standards for church leaders and their wives (1 Timothy 3:2-4, 8-9, 11-12; Titus 1:6-8). If a church leader is married to a spouse with bad character, the ministry is greatly hindered.
(3) Marry someone who is building a reputation for purity and good behavior (1 Timothy 2:9-10, 1 Timothy 3:7, 2 Timothy 2:19, Titus 1:15, Titus 2:4-5).
(4) Marry someone who is learning to think biblically (Psalm 119:66). When faced with temptation, fear, a wrong attitude or wrong motivation, they are learning to remember, believe, and obey God’s Word (Proverbs 4:4-6, Joshua 1:7-8). When facing need, danger, affliction, or trouble of any kind, they are learning to focus on God and find the help they need in his Word (Psalm 119:50, 92, 114).
(5) Marry someone who would make a good father or mother to your children: someone who would teach them God’s ways and live a consistent Christian life before them (Proverbs 6:20-23, Ephesians 6:4, 2 Timothy 1:5, 2 Timothy 3:14-15).
(6) Marry someone who has chosen to be influenced by godly friends and mentors (Psalm 119:63, 2 Timothy 2:22).
(7) Marry someone who is submissive to authority. A man is wise to seek a submissive woman to be his wife (Ephesians 5:22). A woman should likewise marry someone who is submissive to God and to those God has put in authority over him in the church, in his job, in the government (Romans 13:1, Ephesians 6:5-8, Hebrews 13:17, 1 Peter 5:5). As her husband submits to God, she will be protected and blessed.
► Of the characteristics listed above, which seem the most important to you? What examples have you seen that show the significance of these characteristics?
[1]“You didn’t choose to be born into your family; you do get to choose who you marry to create your next family.”
- Gary Thomas, The Sacred Search
[4]A man and woman should not commit to marry each other until they can each sincerely say, “I will be better able to serve the Lord married to you, than I am single.”
Parent-Arranged Marriages
In many cultures it is normal for parents to arrange the marriage of their children. For example, in one large country parents find a possible spouse for their child and talk with the other parents. Usually, they then arrange for the son and daughter to meet each other. The young people may meet each other once, or maybe twice or three times, before making the decision whether to marry. The children may be allowed to choose whether to accept the person chosen by the parents, but they do not get time to know each other well.
Christian parents in these cultures should follow biblical values as they seek prospective spouses for their children. They should seek godly, wise, and mature spouses for their children. They should look for individuals who are putting God first in their lives. These things should influence parents’ selection more than someone’s education, profession, social status, or financial level.
Independently-Arranged Marriages
Wisdom for the Parents of Grown Children Who Are Choosing Spouses
In some societies and cultures, including those of Europe and North America, it is typical for young adults to choose their own spouses without much direction from parents.
Christian parents in these cultures may feel that they have little influence on the marriage decision their grown child makes. The parents may feel that they shouldn’t object even if they do not approve of the person their child is considering for marriage. They may fear that criticism will cause relationship problems with their child and child-in-law in the future.
Even when Christian parents do not arrange marriages for their children, they should influence their children’s choice of a spouse. Parents should talk about these things with their children when they are still young. Parents ought to purposefully shape their children’s thinking and values (Deuteronomy 6:5-9). How can you as a parent do this?
Be a good example of a godly spouse and parent yourself. Unless you are following God’s principles in your own life, your verbal instruction to your children will mean nothing. If your example does not match what you say, your children will listen to your example instead of your words.
Emphasize God’s standards for the purpose of life, the purpose and meaning of marriage, and what to look for in a spouse (Psalm 34:11-12). When we watch, listen to, read, or look at the world’s norms, we teach our children that the world is our pattern, instead of God’s Word being our pattern. Instead of doing this, we should cultivate godly desires in our children by drawing attention to people who follow God’s good plans. We should point out the good consequences that these people enjoy because of their obedience to God.
Teach your children that character matters more than anything else when choosing a spouse. From the time they are young children, teach your children to watch for and value good character in others, more than attractive bodies or personalities. Teach them to notice whether their peers are responsible or lazy, obedient or rebellious, honest or deceitful. Teach them to care more about their own character than about their appearance.
If parents want their children to acknowledge them when choosing their life companions as young adults, they must teach their little children that listening to father and mother is smart! (Proverbs 1:8.) Adolescence or adulthood is too late to teach this; parents must teach this while their children are still young (Proverbs 4:3-9). Listening to godly parents is God’s way for children to be protected and blessed.
As discussed in Lesson 4, parents are responsible to God to help their young people conduct relationships with moral purity. To do this, you must already have a good, open relationship with your child, in which they are willingly accountable to you and accept your advice. This kind of relationship is built in the early years of childhood as you diligently teach, train, lead, and discipline your little children every day.
Wisdom for the Young Person Choosing a Spouse
God has wisdom for young believers who must make their own decision about marriage. Here is some wise advice for making good decisions:
(1) Reject unbiblical options.
For example, we know that it is not God’s will for believers to marry unbelievers, so we must not even consider having a romantic relationship with an unbeliever.
(2) Pray for wisdom (Proverbs 2; James 3:13, 17).
When we seek God’s understanding with our whole heart, he is delighted to give us wisdom. Wisdom is found in careful study of and obedience to God’s Word. God also gives us wisdom through the advice of godly people. Embracing God’s wisdom protects us from sin and from harm. His wisdom provides us with blessing and gives us the opportunity to experience God’s best plan for our lives. Most importantly, when we make wise decisions, we glorify our heavenly Father.
(3) Follow the leading of the Holy Spirit (Psalm 119:133, Proverbs 3:5-7, Jeremiah 10:23).
The Holy Spirit will never lead us to disobey God’s Word. Instead, he faithfully reminds us of it (John 14:26, John 16:13-14). He guards God’s obedient children from sin and rewards them with life and peace (Romans 8:5-6, 13-14; Galatians 5:16, 22-25). You may not always know the details of God’s will in every situation, but you should follow what you do know for sure. You know that God wants you to be faithful spiritually and morally. You know that he wants you to avoid certain things and follow certain things. Do what you know is right while you pray for God’s direction.
(4) Pay careful attention to the advice of godly people.
Young people who have godly parents should seek their wisdom. They should be open and honest with their parents about their marriage considerations. They should pay close attention to any concerns their parents have. God has given them their parents to help protect them from harm and provide them with good. Young people should not waste the opportunity to be blessed in these ways.
Many Christian young people do not have the input of a godly older family member. They should certainly get advice from people of godly character who have demonstrated the ability to make wise decisions with good results.
However, young people should not ignore input from their parents, even if their parents are not serving the Lord. There may be some instance in which a young person has to go against their unsaved parent’s wishes in order to obey God, but this should never be done in rebellion (1 Samuel 15:23) or disrespect (Exodus 20:12). Regardless of parents’ commitment to God, God is able to soften their hearts so that they give their blessing on the marriage of their son or daughter. Praying and waiting for God to change their parents’ hearts will test and strengthen this son or daughter’s faith.
► Discuss principles or examples from scripture regarding parental involvement in the marriage decision. What should parents do to influence the spouse selection process? What should be the attitude of the Christian adult toward his parents in the marriage decision?
The Friendship of a Couple Before Marriage
If a courtship period is possible, it is best for a man and woman to spend time with each other in a variety of settings. This enables them to learn how the other person behaves, interacts with others, responds to unexpected circumstances, and handles different situations. This time together can help them understand whether they would be compatible marriage partners.
Commitment to Purity
► Students should read 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 and 2 Timothy 2:19-22 for the group.
God lovingly created men and women with desires and capacities for physical and emotional intimacy. Because of these desires, friends who are pursuing a possible future marriage must purpose to be careful in their relationship with each other. God intends for these desires to be fulfilled within an exclusive, lifelong covenant of marriage.
If a man and woman do not intentionally commit themselves to carefulness and purity, it is likely that they will disobey God by following their impulses in time of temptation. Disobedience to God’s requirements for moral purity is hurtful in many ways and affects many people, not just a man and woman themselves. Disobedience results in regrets, bondage, guilt, shame, fear, distrust, and broken relationships.
[1]There are many blessings for those who follow God’s plan for purity. Those who honor God through obedience can experience every good that he has planned for them. Instead of the consequences of disobedience, they will have joy and peace. They will be able to trust each other. They will be able to have an enriching relationship with the Lord and with each other.
These blessings are a strong motivation for following God’s plan for purity. However, believers’ greatest motivation for carefulness in this area should be their desire to bring honor to the Lord Jesus in every part of life. A dating couple should be asking, “How can we best honor God in our relationship? How can we bring Jesus the most glory?”
[2]To avoid impure actions, a dating couple should be cautious about any increase of physical contact. They should avoid spending long periods of time alone in places where they feel that nobody else will know what they do. Couples struggle with temptation when physical contact becomes more important in their relationship than communication. They may become unable to deal with spiritual and relational issues well because their minds and hearts are dominated by physical desire. At the beginning of the relationship, decide together what specific things you will do (and not do) in your relationship before marriage. Your plan should protect each of you from sin, help you to love your future spouses, and enable you to honor God. Commit yourselves to your plan. Be accountable to godly mentors and listen to their advice and cautions. Together spend time with godly friends and family members.
Activities That Promote Growth
Courtship is a time of getting acquainted, but it should also be a time of growth. Here are some ideas of activities that a dating couple can do together:
Do work projects.
Learn a skill that is new for both of you.
Read and discuss good books.
Study or memorize the same scripture passages, then discuss them.
Plan and conduct ministry activities together.
Babysit children together.
Spend time with each other’s family.
These activities will:
Help a man and woman get to know each other.
Help them know whether they are suitable companions for one another.
Increase their ability to communicate well with each other.
Help them to grow.
► Which of these principles and ideas for courtship are new to you? How should believers in your context apply the biblical principles for purity and honoring God in relationships before marriage?
Topics to Discuss before Marriage
In cultures where a couple gets to know one another as part of the decision-making process, there are important issues that should be discussed prior to the wedding.
In some cultures, marriage arrangements do not allow for such in-depth conversations prior to the wedding. Ideally the parents share information to make sure the young couple are a good match.
In cases where the ones marrying know little about each other, they work through these issues after they marry, but these issues cannot influence their choice, since they have already made a commitment to one another and the Lord.
The more similar a man and a woman’s beliefs, background, culture, life goals, and values are, the more compatible they could be in marriage. If possible, a couple who is considering marriage should spend time discussing:
Their life goals
The values that are important to each of them
Their own childhood and the way they were raised
Their relationships with their parents and other relatives
Their personal doctrinal beliefs and practices of faith, such as personal spiritual disciplines, church attendance, and acts of service and ministry
Their understandings and beliefs about details of raising children, including teaching, training, disciplining children, and teaching them to know and obey Christ
Their views of finances, including spending, saving, and living in difficult times
Any physical or mental health problems or disabilities they have, and health problems that are common in their families
During this part of the relationship, you should talk about life’s difficult and complicated topics. Once you have made your promises to God and each other, you are married for better or for worse. In marriage, a husband and wife share all that they are with each other, so honest communication leading up to marriage is very important. Discussions should be increasingly open and in-depth. If the person you intend to marry is unwilling to talk about these important matters, that is a serious danger sign.
Just before their wedding, a couple should discuss their beliefs, expectations, and desires about the sexual relationship within marriage. Discussing sex too early in the relationship can cause unnecessary temptation, but it is important to talk about prior to marriage.
It is helpful for a man and a woman who marry each other:
To be similar intellectually.
To have similar expectations for married life.
To have similar doctrinal beliefs and spiritual practices.
To have similar values and practices for use of both money and time.
To have shared understanding of details of life and raising children.
Danger Signs in Courtship
John Drescher lists eight problems that should cause a man or a woman to seriously consider ending a courtship relationship:[3]
You and your friend have frequent arguments with each other.
You avoid discussing sensitive subjects because you are afraid of hurting your friend emotionally. If you tell yourself, “I’d better not talk about this” – that is a danger sign. Marriage means you will need to discuss lots of things with confidence and love.
Your relationship is getting increasingly physical. The more physically involved you are as an unmarried couple, the less well you will learn to communicate with words, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. Touching more and talking less can be a real danger sign.
You sense that you are staying in the relationship because of fearof some kind. For example, “I’d like to stop the relationship, but I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
Your friend is not able to accept constructive criticism. When your friend is wrong, do they refuse to apologize? That is destructive now, and would be even more destructive later, if you married each other.
Parents or significant friends have objections to your relationship and your potential marriage. This can definitely be a sign of danger and should make you consider ending the relationship. It is true that you do not just marry a person, but marry into a family that will have a lot of impact on the security and success of your marriage.
Your friend is overly jealous or suspicious. For example, if your friend questions your word, or in other ways does not trust you, this is a danger sign. Distrust will kill any marriage relationship. So, end the relationship while you can if your friend is overly jealous or untrusting.
You have an uneasy feeling about the relationship; particularly when you are alone with your friend. You have the thought or impression, “Something is wrong.” Pay attention to that lack of inner peace!
[1]To obey God is to trust that he knows and wants what is best for you.
(See Proverbs 3.)
[2]Your self-control today
is a gift to your future spouse.
Your spouse will feel protected and honored because of your choice to obey God.
Your spouse will feel so loved.
[3]Adapted from John Drescher, For Better, For Worse: A Premarital Checklist, (Morgantown, PA: Masthof Press, 1999), 30-31.
Conclusion
Proverbs 24:3-4, “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.”
The choice of a spouse is one of the most important choices someone can make. God delights in helping his children to make wise choices as they consider and get acquainted with potential spouses.
For Group Discussion
► What concept in this lesson was new to you? Why is it important? How will understanding it help you with your relationships? How will understanding it affect your ministry to others?
Prayer
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for leading us and providing for us. Thank you for the principles you have given us in your Word that help us to make wise choices about important decisions in life.
Please help us to have your priorities when choosing a spouse. Help us to be the men and women you want us to be. Help us to be humble and listen to the advice of godly people.
We want to live holy, fruitful lives that honor you.
Amen
Lesson Assignments
(1) Select part of this lesson to teach in your ministry context. You could teach an individual or a group of young people. Tell your class leader when you have done the out-of-class teaching.
(2) In writing, describe characteristics of the relationship of a godly man and woman in your culture who are considering marriage or are planning to marry.
(3) Whether or not you are married, review the list of characteristics to look for in a potential spouse. Read each scripture reference given. Ask God to show you how you need to grow.
(4) If you are single and plan to be married in the future, create a list describing what you are looking for in a spouse. You do not need to share this with your class leader, but just let him know you completed the assignment.
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