Lesson 12: Purposeful Child-Raising

By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Explain the responsibilities God has given parents.

(2) Understand the importance of early character development.

(3) Be equipped to intentionally plan for the development of children in nine areas of life.

(4) Explain the interaction between a child's free will and outside influences on the child.

(5) Commit to faithful discipleship of children.

Jonathan Edwards was a respected pastor and theologian who lived in the 1700s. He and his wife Sarah were the parents of eleven children. Sarah was a wonderful wife and mother, having a tremendous influence over her children’s character formation. Jonathan himself was a dedicated father. We are told that “every night when Mr. Edwards was home, he would spend an hour conversing with his family and then praying a blessing over each child.”[1]

A. E. Winship, an educator of the late 1800s researched the legacy of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards, tracing the lives of their descendants to 150 years after Jonathan’s death. He found that the Edwards’ legacy included:

• 1 United States vice-president

• 1 dean of a law school

• 1 dean of a medical school

• 3 United States senators

• 3 governors

• 3 mayors

• 13 college presidents

• 30 judges

• 60 doctors

• 65 professors

• 75 military officers

• 80 public office holders

• 100 lawyers

• 100 pastors/church leaders

• 285 college graduates

How is such a fruitful legacy possible? What was invested in the lives of the eleven Edwards children that produced descendants renowned for their integrity, responsibility, leadership, and service to society? Surely Jonathan was a godly and diligent father who was a faithful example for his children to follow.

The Bible shows us that the choices of parents affect their children’s relationship with God over future generations.

► Students should read Deuteronomy 5:9-10 and Deuteronomy 7:9 for the group.

No matter what choices one’s parents have made, every person has the opportunity to serve the Lord and be a godly parent for their own children. You and your descendants can faithfully serve the Lord and experience his blessings and grace. Are you willing to commit to being a parent who serves God faithfully and leads your children to know him too?

When God first spoke to Jacob, he did not say, “I am the God of the universe,” or “I am the God who created the world,” though those would have been true statements. He said, “I am the Lord, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac” (Genesis 28:13). Jacob did not start his relationship with God without any previous knowledge of God. He knew about God because of the teaching of his father and grandfather.

Abraham began a tradition of worship of God. Many others believed in God because of Abraham, even before they had a personal encounter with God. When Abraham’s servant Eliezer prayed, he spoke to the LORD, God of his master Abraham (Genesis 24:12).

God was later identified many times as “the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God Jacob” (Exodus 3:15, for example). Joseph, in the next generation, referred to promises God had made to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (Genesis 50:24). Joseph expected his family to be faithful to God because of God’s promises to the previous generations.

► From the way God identified himself, what do we learn about the way people come to know God?

People do not usually come into relationship with God only from hearing doctrines about God. Usually people learn about God by observing the lives of people who are in relationship with God. The greatest spiritual influence comes from parents who are devoted to God.

Here are some very important personal questions for consideration: What do your children learn about God by observing your life? Do your children want to be faithful to God because they see your relationship with God?

God gives parents a great responsibility. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Parents should be purposeful in teaching their children to follow God. Parents must understand their responsibility to guide and train their children.

The responsibility for training children belongs first to parents, not to society, school, or church. A parent should make sure that his children are in the church, but he should not assume that the church will train his child for him.

► A student should read Ephesians 6:1-4 for the group. What are fathers supposed to do?

Child training is not only the responsibility of the mother. The father has the ultimate responsibility for the spiritual protection of his family.

Parents have a serious responsibility to train their children for life. To be trained for life does not mean being trained for an occupation; it means being trained to live right, a life that God will bless. Parents should not let their children follow sin, hoping that they will be converted later.

Scripture warns us not to learn the wrong philosophies of the world.

► A student should read Colossians 2:8 for the group.

This scripture warns us that we can be robbed by believing a wrong philosophy and accepting a wrong lifestyle. The world may rob us of our children by teaching them to follow the ways of the world instead of following Christ.

It is best if the entire education children receive is from Christian teachers and parents. In places where Christian schools are not available, parents should still make sure the child is learning the right view of life. Secular education may teach the child atheism, evolution, and humanism. Children are especially vulnerable to false teachings (Ephesians 4:14), and parents must protect their children. Pastors should learn how to preach doctrine that protects people against wrong philosophies. Pastors and teachers should provide families with information to help them establish their children in truth.

► Someone wrote a book entitled Children Are Wet Cement. What do you think that title means?

Parents should realize that children learn about life and decide what is important while they are very young. Character is shaped while a child is young.

Most discipleship will happen before children reach their adolescent years. Most biblical literacy goals, character goals, and personal, social, and spiritual habits should be developed before the adolescent years.

Even before age five a child has learned the basics of how people relate to each other and what kind of behavior gets the results he wants. He knows whether or not to expect fairness and whether punishments and rewards come consistently. He knows if he is loved. He knows if his feelings matter to others. He knows if he can be forgiven when he does wrong. He has learned to either admit or hide his mistakes and sins. He has decided whether or not people in authority can be trusted to care about him and to keep their promises.

Children learn from the words and examples of their parents, even when the parents are not trying to teach them (Ephesians 5:1). The examples of adults provide children with their concept of life. Children learn what is important by seeing what is important to adults. Children learn how to treat others, how to react to situations, and how to fulfill responsibilities by observing adults. This education begins when a child is born.

Sometimes parents think that they are only teaching when they explain to a child what he should do. However, a parent is also teaching anytime he is observed by a child.

A child watches adults and learns how to react to stress. He learns how to treat strangers. He learns how to treat people who are of low status. He learns how to respond to criticism. He learns how to respond to the needs of others. Parents are always teaching even when they don’t know that they are.

If the child is constantly criticized, he learns to hide his mistakes, make excuses, and blame others. As an adult he will be condemning, hypocritical, and secretive. If there is constant conflict in the home, he will become timid or aggressive. If family members ridicule him, he may withdraw from interaction with people or become a bully of others. If his parents always make him feel ashamed, he learns to live with guilt, never feeling that he is accepted by God. If he can never meet the standard of behavior that his parents demand, he will eventually rebel against it and may join a group of other rebels that become like a replacement for his family.

If people are patient with him, he learns to be patient with others. If people encourage him, he is confident to try. If he is praised, he feels valuable and is willing to give credit to others. If he sees fairness, he wants to be fair.

If a parent breaks rules but makes his child obey, the child thinks that someday he will be old enough to break rules too. If the parent is unkind to others, the child may hope to become strong enough to be unkind to others. If the parent thinks the child’s problems and needs are not important, the child thinks that someday he will be an adult that can take care of himself and disregard the needs of others.

Parents should consistently demonstrate submission to God. Their children should know that their parents obey God’s Word. If a parent shows that his own will is more important than God’s authority, his children will expect to live the same way. A parent should often explain to children the reasons for a decision and the factors considered. This teaches the child how to make decisions.

Children learn when parents play with them. They should learn fairness, consideration, and responsiveness to others. Games develop the child’s skills. Purposes of family games include learning, personal development, and enjoyment of relationships with family members. Competition in a family game is good but should not be for the purpose of dominating others so that the winner can enjoy a feeling of superiority. A question to consider during a game is, “Is everyone enjoying the game?” If only the winner enjoys the game, a wrong purpose is being served. If people are getting angry or frustrated during a game, the game is not serving the right purpose.

Parents show the value of their child when they take time for the child’s activities. Parents should help their child with school projects, make or repair toys, provide the child personal space in the home, listen to his stories and jokes, and comfort him when he is upset.

Parents should know their child’s schoolteachers. They should attend any scheduled meetings with the teachers to hear about their child’s school situation. Both parents should go if possible. If the father does not go, it seems that other things are more important than his child. Parents should ask teachers questions about the grades and about things that happen at school. Teachers are more likely to do their best for a child and protect the child from mistreatment if they know the parents are interested.

The people who live together as a family know each other very well. They learn the needs and faults of each other. They can love each other and demonstrate that love more than they can love anyone else in the world. If they do not love each other, they can hurt each other more than anyone else can. Some people treat their family members worse than they treat strangers. A Christian home should be a place where patience, forgiveness, care, and kindness are shown.

A young child needs time for play and leisure every day. A child needs time to relax, use his imagination, read books, play at making something or building something, and enjoy natural environments. In a setting where families work together daily raising food or doing other tasks, it can be good for children to share in the family’s work, but the parents should remember some other values also.

[1]Long hours of work are difficult for a child not just because of physical demands, but because the work given to a child is usually repetitious and monotonous. He wishes for time for activities that use his imagination. It is sad if a child must work so much that his only leisure time is spent eating and sleeping so he can work again.

Some families struggle economically and think that they need income from their children’s work. However, if they fail to have their children educated, the situation of their family may never change. If a child works instead of going to school, he will probably spend his life working for low wages. Most careers and business opportunities will not be accessible to him.

Some people provide an education for their own children but are willing to take wrong advantage of children from poor families by employing them for long hours in fields or in household work or in street vending, knowing they are not being educated. Christians should work together to find better solutions for the families of their community.

Children can enjoy work if they have tasks that give them a sense of achievement. They can also enjoy working with their parents if the parents are encouraging. Parents should be reasonable in their expectations of what a child can do and should give constructive feedback in a positive way so that their children will be motivated to keep learning and growing.

It is good for children to have daily responsibilities to teach them to be dependable and thorough. Parents should verbally affirm character qualities that they see in their child as he works, such as initiative, diligence, carefulness, and persistence. Parents should teach their children the principles of work taught in God’s Word.

It is good for children to have the opportunity to earn money that they can choose to spend. They learn the value of their work and learn how to use their money for the best benefit. A child who works to earn money may realize that he should not spend it all for candy; he wants to buy something that he can keep. Parents should train their children to think about and use money in godly ways.

It is good for children and adolescents to be introduced to varieties of work that develop their abilities. It is good if a young person has the opportunity to work with people of various skills in order to learn.

► What child labor situations exist in your society? What should parents be doing? What should the church be doing?

Parents are responsible for developing the character of their children. One Christian couple, Matt and Mary Friedeman, listed the qualities that they wanted to help their children develop. After making the list, they reviewed it and made plans for actions that would help their children develop each of these qualities. The process would not be quick. These qualities do not appear suddenly. Parents must be purposeful and consistent throughout the years of raising their children. The list below has some qualities listed by the Friedemans.[1] Other qualities have been added to the list.

Matt Friedeman described what he and his wife did after listing these qualities.

As soon as we had the above [qualities] on a single sheet of paper, we drew a line down the middle of the sheet and asked ourselves, “Now, what do we have to do to [do our part to develop these qualities in our children]?” On the left side of the sheet of paper, we jotted down [our] parental responsibilities.[2]

If this seems like a lot of responsibility, just remember that God has given us 16-18 years to make disciples of our children. It is important to:

1. Implement a discipleship plan.

2. Establish family rituals, such as a daily meal and a few minutes of structured teaching/training.

3. Make discipleship a natural part of everyday life, using the many opportunities to teach and train.

4. Continually pray God’s Word over your children.

5. Never give up, even when you fail.

► Choose a few items from the chart above and describe what parents can do to purposefully achieve those goals.

► Sometimes a person says, “My experiences made me the kind of person I am.” A similar statement is “A person is the product of his environment.” Are these statements true?

Humans are created in the image of God. People make real choices and are not controlled by instinct or environment. Throughout scripture God calls people to choose to do right and reject evil.[1] God judges people for their decisions.

Our environment and experiences influence us, but they do not control us, because as humans in the image of God we make real choices. That means that a child may eventually make choices that contrast with the home and environment where he was raised. A child who came from a heathen home where a sinful life was normal may repent and live for God. A child from a Christian home may choose not to follow God.

Though people make real choices, they are not completely free. The Bible tells us that we are born with a nature that has a tendency to sin (Psalm 51:5, Psalm 58:3). Humans have a natural tendency to resist authority, choose their own direction, yield to temptation, deceive others, and be selfish (Ephesians 2:1-3). Children are not neutral, waiting to be led in any direction. Children quickly look for ways to serve their own desires even if they must lie and disobey to get what they want. In addition, we know that Satan tries to deceive them and tempt them (Ephesians 2:2, Revelation 12:9).

Parents must realize that instruction alone is not enough to cause the child to do right. There is a spiritual struggle (Galatians 5:17). Parents should pray for the Spirit of God to influence and lead the child. Parents should depend on God for wisdom and for the strength to be good spiritual examples. Parents should pray fervently that their child will repent and experience spiritual rebirth at an early age.

Even if the child is converted, the parent should not expect the child to be like a mature Christian. His attitudes and feelings will not be consistent. He may sometimes yield to temptation. As long as the child shows a desire to do right, the parent should not discourage the child by telling him he is failing to live like a Christian. Instead, the parent should commend the child’s good behaviors and encourage him to pray for God’s help in his struggles.

Though every human is born with a tendency toward sin, every human also has the need for God. The Holy Spirit speaks to every person and gives the desire to be in relationship with God. We know that we are assisted by God when we teach our children God’s Word. The Spirit of God is like an advocate inside the child, confirming truth and giving him the desire to be in a relationship with God.

Families should meet daily for a few minutes of Bible reading, discussion, and prayer. Both parents and all children in the household should attend. The father should lead, but he may ask family members to read scripture and participate in various ways.

The devotional time does not always have to follow the same pattern. This time can have a variety of formats, and can include Bible stories, stories from Christian history and missions, discussion of questions, use of memorized questions and answers to teach doctrinal truths, reading of Christian materials, songs, Bible memorization, drama, and various ways of praying.

Example of a devotional time activity: Choose a Bible story and have the members of the family act it out.

Pastors should spend some time teaching their church about family devotional time. Parents should remember that God has given them the responsibility to teach their children the Word of God (Deuteronomy 6:5-7).

► What are some concepts from this lesson that are new to you? How do you plan to apply the truth you have learned?

► What can the church do to strengthen families and help parents with child raising?

► How could the people of the church work together to help with the challenge of training children to follow Christ?

► What are some examples of daily practices families should follow?

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for designing the family and giving people the great privilege of being parents.

Help us to love our children like you do. Help us to always remember that they are created to know and serve you.

Give us the love, patience, and understanding that we need to train and influence children to follow you.

Enable believers in our churches to equip families, youth, and children to be strong in faith and obedience.

Amen

(1) Study each of the following passages. Use these passages to write three pages about what scripture teaches about the responsibility of parents:

• Genesis 18:17-19

• Deuteronomy 6:4-9

• Psalm 78:1-8

• Colossians 3:21

• Ephesians 6:4

• 1 Timothy 3:4-5, 12

• 2 Timothy 3:14-17

• Matthew 18:5-6

(2) Whether or not you are a parent, select five of the qualities goals listed in the table given in this lesson. Write down three practical means of helping your children reach each of the five selected qualities goals.

(3) If you are a parent, write out a plan and your commitment to having daily devotions with your children. Hold yourself accountable to someone for the plan and commitment you've made.