Lesson 5: Singleness

By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Understand singleness from a biblical perspective.

(2) Identify biblical priorities for choices regarding marriage and singleness.

(3) Commit to moral purity, godly character, and fruitful service in this period of life.

(4) Surrender to Jesus as Lord and become complete in him.

Stephen and Sarah were trying to discern if marriage was God’s will for them. Sarah knew that if she married Stephen—who was a missionary—her life would change in many ways. She would move to a new country, learn a new language, and adjust to a new culture. She knew that she would be leaving what was familiar and comfortable. There would be frustrations and sacrifices. Marriage would be not just a commitment of love to her husband but also an act of faith and of love for Jesus.

In time, Stephen and Sarah realized that they were not compatible, and that they should not marry. Sarah felt disappointed. She prayed about her disappointment. She prayed that God would help her to be fruitful for him during this period of her life. As she prayed, she realized that this surrender to the will of God was just as much an act of faith and of love for Jesus as marriage would have been.

In this course we explore God’s design for marriage. From scripture we learn about God’s purposes for marriage. We discuss God’s instructions for marriage and practical ways to strengthen our marriages. We see the goodness of God’s plan for marriage.

Marriage is God’s will for most people. But many people live several years as single adults before marriage. Sometimes this time of singleness is lengthy. Some people experience another period of singleness after the death of their spouse or after a divorce. Some people never marry.

A person may be unmarried because of one or more of these reasons:

• They prefer the advantages of being single instead of married.

• They are worried about marriage because they have not seen good marriage relationships.

• They are currently focusing on goals such as education or career.

• They do not feel an emotional or physical need for marriage.

• They have not had an opportunity for a good marriage.

Because the choices of a single person greatly affect relationships with God and others, this lesson focuses on the life of an unmarried believer.

What Jesus and Paul Said about Singleness

The Pharisees asked Jesus a question about divorce. After hearing Jesus’ answer, his disciples concluded that it is better not to marry (Matthew 19:10). Jesus, who was unmarried and celibate throughout his life on earth, replied that most people need to marry and only a few are gifted with the ability to accept long-term singleness (Matthew 19:11-12).

The apostle Paul—who either had never married or was a widower—had similar advice for the unmarried believers in Corinth. Because of temptation to sexual immorality, most people should marry (1 Corinthians 7:2, 8-9). Paul knew that God created sexual intimacy in marriage as a good gift (1 Corinthians 7:7, 1 Timothy 4:1-5, Hebrews 13:4). He said that sexual activity should not occur outside of marriage (1 Thessalonians 4:3-4).

Paul described an advantage of the unmarried life. Unmarried believers can focus their time, energy, and effort on pleasing the Lord and serving in ministry (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).

Paul remained unmarried (1 Corinthians 9:5). He chose to remain unmarried so that he could focus on the missionary work God had for him. He considered singleness a gift (1 Corinthians 7:7-8). He endured much suffering in his ministry (2 Corinthians 11:23-28). This suffering was easier to face because he did not have responsibility for a wife or children (1 Timothy 5:8).

Though Paul found that singleness was an advantage for his ministry, there are also ways that marriage is an advantage for ministry.

► How have you seen singleness as an advantage for ministry? How have you seen marriage as an advantage for ministry?

Paul said that people should take several things into consideration when deciding whether or not to marry:

• Their personal ability or inability to live in celibacy (1 Corinthians 7:9, 36-37)

• Current difficult circumstances, such as persecution (1 Corinthians 7:26)

• Responsibilities of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:27-28, 32-35)

Right Priorities

Neither singleness nor marriage is better or more spiritual than the other. There are unique temptations, difficulties, blessings, and opportunities with each. Each is appropriate at different times and for different people.

Ultimately, personal fulfillment and wholeness must come from one’s relationship with God, whether or not a person is married (Psalm 73:25, Psalm 107:8-9). Furthermore, all believers—married and unmarried—must keep their focus on eternity because life is short, and eternity is sure (1 Corinthians 7:31).

► A student should read Matthew 6:26-33 for the group.

In this passage, Jesus explains that the world’s values and priorities are very different from those of believers. The believer’s highest goal is to participate in God’s kingdom. The believer’s first priority is to live a life of righteousness by God’s grace. God promises to provide for the physical and material needs of his children when they are obeying Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:33.

When should a Christian man marry? When marriage will help him better serve God’s kingdom. When marriage will help him live a more fruitful, victorious life of righteousness.

When should an unmarried Christian man remain single? When the pursuit of marriage or marriage itself would distract him from his role in God’s kingdom. When he can be more spiritually fruitful as a single man. When he can be spiritually victorious and maintain moral purity without having the sexual intimacy provided in marriage.

► If you are single, pause for a moment of honest personal reflection.

• Are you living in obedience to God’s Word?

• What has God given you to do in his kingdom right now?

• What do you think God has called you to do with your life, long term?

• Do you think marriage would make you do better or worse in your relationship with God and your work for God in the world?

Accepting God’s priorities helps unmarried believers decide whether or not to pursue marriage. It also shapes our understanding of what we should look for in a potential spouse. Every believer who desires to marry should seek someone who is putting God first, living obedient to God’s Word, and seeking to extend God’s kingdom.

► Students should read Ephesians 4:17-24 and 1 John 2:15-17 for the group.

People of the world live for self. They choose to do the things that their bodies and minds want (Ephesians 2:3), and they are willing to disobey God’s Word. Sinful people often do what feels good, is most convenient, or makes other people pay attention to them. Their priority is pleasing themselves. They may build a romantic relationship with someone just because they are physically attracted to the person. They may be in a relationship with someone just because they have exciting feelings when they are with that person.

Selfish individuals may not want to commit to the self-giving relationship of marriage. They may be willing to have sexual relationships without marriage even though God says such relationships are wrong (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

Selfish people who marry may give up on a spouse when marriage becomes difficult. They may divorce a spouse and move on to a new relationship with someone else. God has something much better for those who will obey the instructions of his Word (Psalm 19:8, 11, Deuteronomy 6:24).

Jesus calls us to please God in everything (Matthew 16:24, 2 Corinthians 5:9, Colossians 1:10). Since we are followers of Christ, the priority of our individual lives must be God’s kingdom and righteousness. Furthermore, the priority in our pursuit of marriage must be God’s kingdom and righteousness. We must honor God in our reasons for marriage and in the way we pursue marriage. We must listen to Jesus about his values and obey what he says is right and good. Then we must honor God by obeying his expectations of us as husbands and wives.

For Everything There Is a Time

Early adulthood is the best time for most people to pursue marriage (Proverbs 5:18, Malachi 2:15, Titus 2:4). As a young adult, one should already be trained and ready for life. A man or woman should be mature, able to take responsibility and make wise decisions (1 Timothy 4:12). Ideally, young adults are ready for the responsibilities of marriage and child-raising. Their bodies are also ready for childbearing, and in most cases, they have strong sexual desires and the need for marital intimacy.

In many cultures today, it is becoming common for young adults to delay marriage until after they have completed higher education or become established in their careers. Other young adults are not interested in marriage because they want to live without responsibility.

Many young adults live sexually immoral lives before their marriage. They have strong sexual desires. Emotionally, they want intimate companionship. Yet, they do not want to commit to marriage and raising a family because of either their life goals or their unwillingness to take responsibility.

Christian young adults who are delaying marriage should carefully consider their priorities. They should make sure that they are living godly and pure lives and following God’s will. Some need to consider the importance God places on marriage and raising up godly children.

Couples That Live Together Though Unmarried

Sometimes, a man and woman live together in an intimate relationship, but delay marriage. They may be committed to each other, but they have not made a covenant of marriage. People have different reasons for this:

1. Sometimes cultural expectations of elaborate and expensive weddings prevent poor couples from having an acceptable wedding.

2. Sometimes a couple does not commit to marriage because of fear that their marriage will fail. They may think that separation would be less disastrous if they are not married. They may expect their relationship to become stronger while they live together.

God has reserved sexual intimacy for marriage (Hebrews 13:4). The couple who is living together but is not married is guilty of disobeying God’s Word. Their intimacy can never be all that it ought to be, because of their lack of permanent exclusive commitment to one another and their lack of mutual trust.

Believers must not follow the example of unbelievers but must instead obey God’s Word. The church must uphold God’s expectations for morality and offer practical support to help couples follow a scriptural plan for marriage. For example, when a couple is not able to have an expensive wedding, the church family should support them in having a simple wedding. This would help couples to obey God’s standard for morality by being married. It would also help the couple not begin their marriage in financial debt. Christians must remember that marriage is much more important than the wedding ceremony itself, yet a definite marriage commitment must be made.

► Students should read Romans 12:2 and Philippians 2:15-16 for the group. Discuss how believers’ commitment to morality can change the culture around them.

A Matter of Surrender

[1]Every child of God must surrender his or her desires to Jesus. Jesus is Lord. Throughout life, every believer will be tested in their devotion to Jesus as their Lord. Something difficult will happen… or something good we desire will not happen… and Jesus will ask us, his followers, “Am I your Lord? Will you trust my goodness? Will you believe that I have the perfect plan? Will you obey me? Will you surrender to me? Will you submit to what I am doing? Will you glorify me in this?”

Some singles are happy to remain single. But those who desire to be married and have not had a good opportunity to marry must humbly accept God’s choice in withholding marriage.

Christian men and women… realize that if God desires for them to be married, he will make it clear in his own perfect time and way. But he must always come first, and he must always be [trusted completely].[2]

God is trustworthy and good. There is work he wants to do in the unmarried believer’s heart and life. God will always allow what is ultimately best for his children, and more importantly, what will bring Jesus the most glory. In all things, God is working to make us like Jesus in our character (Romans 8:28-29), and to enable us to worship Jesus as we should throughout eternity (1 Peter 1:6-7).

God is perfectly able to provide a godly spouse for one of his children. He can help a Christian man to find a godly wife, as the man looks for a virtuous woman who is honoring God with her life (Proverbs 18:22, Proverbs 19:14, Proverbs 31:10).

The unmarried woman who is living for Christ can trust God to take care of her needs in exactly the best way, whether or not God leads a man to marry her. She can live a full and spiritually fruitful life because of God’s provision and faithfulness.

If singleness is God’s choice for her, she will find God to be a perfect lover, provider, protecter, and leader. Jesus can be the husband of her heart (Isaiah 54:5), and she can love, honor, submit to, and obey him, instead of an earthly husband.

If marriage becomes God’s choice for her, her time of singleness will have taught her to trust God (who is the only perfect lover, provider, protector, and leader), even as she learns to love, honor, and submit to an imperfect, human husband.

[3]Completeness in Christ

All believers must find their ultimate fulfillment in Christ, not a human companion. Even if someone would prefer to be married, prolonged singleness gives the opportunity to make sure he is indeed fulfilled in Jesus. Singleness gives the opportunity to prove that Jesus is enough (Philippians 4:11-13).

The fact that God created marriage, and that we are to esteem it as a holy institution, is evident throughout scripture…. It was not good for Adam to be alone, but was that because God himself was not enough to fulfill Adam’s needs? Certainly not! As the Bible explains, God created Eve because Adam needed a helper, a companion to do the work on earth God had called him to do. Yes, there were many blessings and benefits that came to both Adam and Eve through their companionship with each other, but their marriage was never to take the place of God. He was still God, and he was still meant to be their first and primary object of love and worship.[4]

A person may learn to experience more of God’s love when he does not have a spouse or family to provide physical and emotional affection. Scriptures like Psalm 73:25-26 are encouragements in times of emotional trial and physical temptation:

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

As Leslie Ludy writes,

David the psalmist had plenty of female companionship in his life. But it is David’s intimate relationship with God that brings him the perfect satisfaction these verses portray.[5]

The single believer will find that Jesus is enough; a relationship with God satisfies.

Opportunities for Service

[6]When unmarried believers find their satisfaction in Christ, he makes their singleness an opportunity to serve others. Instead of focusing on their own needs and feeling discontented, they can learn to notice and meet others’ needs. Helping others is one of the best ways to lead a fruitful and fulfilled life. The character developed through this time in life will help them to continue to bear good fruit throughout their lives.

► Students should read Philippians 2:3-4 and Titus 3:8, 14 for the group.

As stated earlier, different life situations provide unique opportunities. In every stage of life, there are things that a person can do, and other things they cannot do. One single young lady made this list of things that she is able to do especially because she is single. Other single men and women will have different things to put on their lists.

Because I am a single young lady, it is much easier for me to:

• Visit the elderly and spend time with them.

• Make and serve food for the homeless.

• Do thorough Bible study and prepare Bible lessons for children.

• Minister to women and girls in my home.

• Spend uninterrupted time in intercessory prayer.

• Learn a new skill.

• Write letters and cards of encouragement.

• Volunteer to help other people with projects.

• Quickly adjust my schedule when a special need or event suddenly comes up.

Each person has specific opportunities or responsibilities because of their life situation. The list a mother of young children would write could include examples of the things that she is teaching her children or ways she is training them. Because she is their mother, God has given her the opportunity and responsibility to serve in these ways. (At the end of this lesson you will make your own personal list.)

Companionship

It is very important for those who are not married to build healthy relationships with others. As discussed in earlier lessons, God made people for relationships with him and with other people.

• Single people need relationships with people they can serve—maybe children or young people or elderly people.

• Single people need older, mature mentors for counsel and accountability.

• Single people need friends who are in a similar place in life, so that they can encourage each other in the Lord and fellowship together.

• Single people need to be friends with married couples and with families. There are many mutual blessings in such friendships.

Having a wide variety of relationships with others gives a single person many opportunities to serve. Friendships provide some of the emotional and spiritual support that the single person needs. Friendships help fill their need for family, especially if they do not live near their own family.

Two cautions must be added:

1. A person who is not married must be careful to avoid forming unwise or immoral relationships because of emotional and physical needs.

2. A single person must prioritize relationship with God over any human relationship.

Thought Life

All believers must work to keep their thought lives pure by God’s enabling grace (Proverbs 4:23). Psalm 19:14 is a prayer, asking God to help us carefully live for him in our words and our thoughts. This prayer reminds us that we are accountable to God for our purposeful thoughts and speech.

We have choices about what we put into our minds (Philippians 4:8): what we watch, listen to, or read. If we want to honor God, we must choose mental food that is pure and that will draw us closer to him and help us to obey him (Romans 12:2, Romans 13:14).

Followers of Christ must not entertain themselves with the sins of others (Psalm 101:3, 1 Corinthians 15:33). To enjoy watching immoral behavior is to participate in someone’s sin (Romans 1:32). Watching and listening will desensitize the believer to sin and cause him to lose his focus on pleasing the Lord (Proverbs 13:20). God’s Word emphasizes our need to reverence the Lord at all times (Proverbs 23:17) and to hate evil as he does (Proverbs 8:13). When we fear the Lord and turn away from evil, we are blessed (Psalm 111:10).

When we have disobeyed God’s instructions for what to put into our minds and what to meditate on, we must confess our sin and stop doing those things. Even in those cases when we may have accidentally heard or seen something bad, we must intentionally replace thoughts about those things with good and godly thoughts.

► Students should read Psalm 19:14, Psalm 1:1-2, Philippians 4:6-8, and Ephesians 5:25-27 for the group.

The verses from Philippians tell us that God wants to protect our hearts and minds, but we must cooperate with him by purposefully meditating on right things. Meditation on scripture is so important to a healthy and pure thought life. Ephesians tells us that the Word of God washes us clean. This certainly includes our minds and thoughts.

► What activities help you to have a God-honoring thought life? What other verses have helped you in your thought life?

Singleness and Sexuality

If you are studying this lesson independently of the entire course, please also study Lesson 4 where sexual purity and moral issues are discussed.

Singleness provides believers with unique opportunities to grow in their relationship with Christ and to learn to serve others. Unmarried people should find their fulfillment in Christ while building healthy relationships with other people. They should use the opportunities of their singleness for the glory of God and the good of his kingdom. God’s priorities help believers make good decisions regarding the possibility of marriage.

► Name and discuss several priorities that should guide decisions regarding the single years of life, a choice to marry, and the pursuit of marriage.

► How can your church minister more effectively to single members?

► How can your family befriend someone who is single?

► If you are single, how can you contribute to your church family? How can you be a blessing to others of various ages and periods of life?

► What ideas in this lesson were new to you?

► What else do you wish could have been discussed in this lesson?

► Discuss how concepts in this lesson apply to other periods of life.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for being faithful to us in every period of life. Thank you for the examples of those who live in your presence and for your glory in their single years.

Help us to be completely surrendered to you through all of life. Help us to seek and find fulfillment in our relationship with you. Help us to use the opportunities you’ve given us in our present time of life.

Enable us to always honor you in our choices, our thoughts, our relationships with others, and our service. Make us fruitful for your glory.

Amen

(1) Think of a situation in which Jesus asked you to surrender to his plan. In at least two paragraphs, describe the circumstance and your response to it. (This could be a current situation or something from your past.) How was your faith being tested? How did the Lord lead you? Did you surrender to his plan? What did you say to him? What did obedience look like for you in this situation?

(2) What opportunities do you have because of your marital status, gender, or life situation? For the moment, do not think about what you cannot do. Instead, take a few minutes to list the things that you are able to do because of where God has you right now. Write, “Because I am ________ I have the opportunity to…”

(3) Read and meditate on each of the scriptures below, all of which were referenced in the last section of the lesson. Ask God to show you anything you need to change, so that your thought life is pure and pleasing to him. Write a prayer of confession and commitment to obedience.

• Psalm 1:1-2

• Psalm 19:14

• Psalm 101:3

• Psalm 111:10

• Proverbs 4:23

• Proverbs 8:13

• Proverbs 13:20

• Proverbs 23:17

• Romans 1:32

• Romans 12:2

• Romans 13:14

• 1 Corinthians 15:33

• Philippians 4:6-8

(4) Choose three of the verses from Assignment 3 to memorize. At the beginning of the next class, write or recite the verses from memory.