Lesson 3: The Biblical Concept of Marriage

By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Commit to God’s design and purposes for marriage.

(2) Commit to personal obedience to God’s principles for Christian marriage.

(3) Be equipped to teach others about biblical marriage.

Dr. Robertson McQuilkin served as a missionary in Japan for 12 years. He later became president of Columbia International University. He was well known as a writer, speaker, and educator. His wife Muriel suffered from a brain disease that affects a person’s ability to think, remember, and communicate. When the disease progressed to the condition where Muriel needed constant care, Dr. McQuilkin resigned from the presidency of the university to take care of his wife. He said he was keeping the promise that he made to her when they married. He believed that caring for his wife was more important than keeping the position of university president.

Marriage was instituted by God for the first man and woman he created. Marriage was designed by God to be exactly what people needed. It was designed exactly for human nature. In everything God designs and in everything he requires, he always wants what is best for us (Deuteronomy 6:24). God intended that his plan for marriage provide each spouse with the best emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being.

God said that in marriage a man and woman leave their parents and join together. Marriage puts two people into a friendship and partnership that is stronger and closer than any other human relationship. Marriage is not just two people together in a limited partnership. Their lives have been merged so that in a sense they are like one person. This is not an obliteration of their individual personalities, but a special unity.

Biblical marriage is a beautiful thing. But couples who want to experience its beauty and taste its goodness must examine what the scriptures teach about it, and then pursue obedience to what they learn. A satisfying marriage requires effort and sacrifice.

Biblical Marriage is for Fellowship

Genesis describes God’s creation of marriage. Every part of the description gives dignity to marriage.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18).

Just as God is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are in fellowship, God designed us to be social. We were made for conversation. We were created for intimacy and fellowship. God said that being alone is not good!

God took a rib from the man and made it into a beautiful woman, another person—equally made in God’s image, equal in value, but different in design—who completed the man. She “is brought with special honor to the man as the Creator’s last and most perfect work.”[1]

Marriage is to be a joyful union.

When Adam said, “This at last is bone of my bones” (Genesis 2:23) he was expressing respect and delight. Adam didn’t say, “Finally, a slave! Now I have someone to do my laundry, cook my food, massage my back, and do my chores!” No, Adam said, “At last, a helper who completes me!”

Marriage is to be a union of equals.

...a helper fit for him (Genesis 2:18).

God designed woman to perfectly match and complete man.

Matthew Henry reminds us, “The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”[2] Woman was neither inferior nor superior to man, but was comparable to him.

Marriage is to be a covenant union.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).

Strong marriages don’t depend upon constant romantic feelings (feelings are not constant), or pleasure, (though healthy marriages bring joy), or personal fulfillment (though strong marriages are fulfilling). The wonderful benefits of marriage do not cause a strong marriage; they are the result of a strong marriage. Marriage is established on the unshakable foundation of covenant—one man and one woman exclusively committed to one another for life.

Marriage is to be a transparent, trusting, accepting relationship—“And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). Because sin had not yet corrupted the innocence of the first couple, their marriage was without judgment, without shame, and without fear. The New Testament tells us, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4).

A strong marriage does not exist where there is insecurity, distrust, suspicion, or fear, where spouses are not sure of one another’s commitment to the marriage. Strong marriages require a promise that ends only when one spouse dies (Romans 7:1-2).

God’s intention is that marriage be a lifelong covenant between one man and one woman (Matthew 19:3-6). Paul said that believers are not under bondage when their unbelieving spouses separate from them (1 Corinthians 7:15), but a believer should not seek separation from an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:12-14, 16). Paul had previously written that the Lord said the same: believers are not to choose to leave/separate from their spouses, but if they do, they must not marry someone else (1 Corinthians 7:10-11, Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:9).

Covenant love is self-giving, respectful, and beautifying even when the relationship is difficult (1 Corinthians 13). Weak commitment produces tentative effort, emotional disconnection, withdrawal, and temptation.

A husband is living out covenantal love when he never gives up on his bride even when she is unresponsive or disrespectful or sick. A wife is living out covenantal love when she chooses to respect and obey her husband, for Christ’s sake, even when her husband isn’t loving her.

His love wins her respect, and her respect wins his love. And they continue to grow!

► What problems result if people marry while thinking that they can change their decision later if they are unhappy with the marriage? What difference does total commitment make when a person believes that his marriage is permanent?

Biblical Marriage is the Place for Sexual Fulfillment and Procreation

God made sex fully enjoyable and uniquely powerful. It is an act intended to bring oneness physically, emotionally, and spiritually. A healthy sex life is not only exhilarating and brings oneness, it nourishes the marriage relationship. For those who want to follow the biblical sexual ethic, sex is a gift of God given to be fully enjoyed within marriage.[3]

► Students should read 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 and Hebrews 13:4 for the group.

The verses in 1 Corinthians tell us that one purpose of marriage is to satisfy sexual desires. The husband and wife have given themselves to each other and have given up their claim of ownership of their own bodies. That means that a married person should not expect to engage in sex only when he chooses but should also be responsive to the desires of the spouse. The verses do not tell us that a person can demand satisfaction against the will of the spouse. Instead, the verses are telling each to be responsive to the needs of the other.

This passage tells us that married people should not deprive each other of this privilege. A short time of sexual abstinence along with fasting is legitimate, but prolonged separation will cause temptation because of unsatisfied desires. Sometimes couples choose to be separated for several months or longer because one goes to work or study in a distant place. Before making such a decision, they should consider whether or not such a plan fits the plan of God. They may suffer problems because of the long separation.

Some people prefer to follow a lifestyle that does not include children, but the Bible teaches that God is pleased when parents have godly children (Malachi 2:15). It’s important to note that it is not reproduction alone that God wants, but godly children. Parents are called by God to teach their children to follow Christ.

Biblical Marriage is for Christ

► Students should read 1 Peter 3:1-7 and Ephesians 5:22-33 for the group. The group should keep these passages open for examination during this discussion.

In Ephesians 5:30-32, the Holy Spirit reveals the deeper meaning of marriage, hidden until Jesus came. Marriage is an earthly picture—a reflection—of the relationship between Jesus Christ and his church.

Paul begins this section by exhorting believers to be filled with the Spirit (Ephesians 5:18). It is in this context that he offers the following instruction on marriage.

The Spirit-filled bride will submit to her groom (her “head”) in the Lord, in the same way that believers submit to Jesus (Ephesians 5:24, 32; see also 1 Peter 3:1). This is the way she shows respect to Jesus and to her husband. The wife is supposed to accept the leadership of her husband even if the husband is not a believer. If she does this, her unsaved husband is more likely to become a believer.

It is important for every wife to have the Lord in mind in her submission. It is to him and for him that she submits and not just for her husband. Her eye is on Jesus, who alone is without fault. A wife’s willing submission to her husband is an act of worship to Jesus.

Biblical submission, like love, cannot be forced. Biblical submission is a gift which wives offer their husbands out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:22-24). Submission in everything is an act of worship to Jesus.[4]

The submission of a wife to her husband is an act of respect (Ephesians 5:33) for him, as part of the Spirit-filled life (Ephesians 5:18-21). This honor coming from a gentle and quiet spirit is very precious in the sight of God (1 Peter 3:4).

The Spirit-filled groom will love his bride as Jesus loves his church (Ephesians 5:25). The groom must love her as he loves his own body (Ephesians 5:28-29). He must manifest the same Spirit-filled self-sacrifice as Jesus manifested toward his church when he gave Himself up for her. This is his act of submission to God (Ephesians 5:21). One commentator put it like this:

As he (Jesus) gave himself to suffer on the cross to save the church, so we are to be willing to deny ourselves and to bear [hard work and difficulties], that we may promote the happiness of the wife. It is the duty of the husband to [work diligently] for her support; to provide for her needs; to deny himself of rest and ease, if necessary, in order to attend on her in sickness; to go before her in danger; to defend her if she is in [a dangerous situation]; to bear with her when she is irritable; to cling to her when she is pushing him away; to pray with her when she is in spiritual trouble; and to be ready to die to save her. Why should this not be? If they are shipwrecked, and there is a single plank on which safety can be secured, should he not be willing to place her on that, and see her safe at all hazards to himself? But there is more… a husband should feel that it should be the one great object of his life to seek the salvation of his wife. He is to furnish her all that she may need for her soul… And he is to set the example; to counsel her if she needs counsel; and to make the path of salvation as easy for her as possible. If a husband has the Spirit and self-denial of the Savior, he will regard no sacrifice too great if he may promote the salvation of his family.[5]

The groom is to seek the purity of his bride just as Christ purified his bride, the church (Ephesians 5:26-27).

1 Peter 3:7 says that a husband should live with his wife in an understanding way, meaning that he is to do his best to understand her. He should study her in order to understand her needs. The woman is called “the weaker vessel” in this verse. A wife needs consideration from her husband. He should protect her not only from physical harm but also from worry and emotional stress.

The husband is to provide every means necessary for the flourishing of his wife: faithfulness, unconditional love, understanding, prayer, counsel, teaching, and kindness.

When the husband treats his wife with such love, he will be repaid with happiness. Paul says, “He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28). Husbands who love their wives in this self-sacrificing way will be more than repaid by the Lord, and most likely by the respect, affection, and faithfulness of his wife.

► What are specific things a husband should do to provide spiritual support to his wife?

It is important to remember how the commands in these verses are given. The husband is not told to enforce authority over his wife. The wife is told to obey her husband, but the husband is not told to make her obey. He is told to love his wife and sacrifice as necessary to take care of her. Likewise, the wife is not told to demand care from her husband; she is told to respect him.

The priority of the husband should not be to maintain his authority but to provide loving care. The priority of the wife should not be to demand care for herself but to respect her husband.

Apostle Peter warns the husband that his prayers will be hindered if he does not care for his wife properly. From the words of Paul and Peter we can see that a man who does not care for his wife as he should does not love God as he should. A woman who does not respect her husband does not respect God as she should. Our behavior in marriage affects our relationship with God.

God designed marriage to be permanent. In marriage, a man and woman promise to be faithful to each other for as long as both are alive.

The Bible records Jesus’ words about marriage, spoken in a conversation with the Pharisees.

► A student should read Matthew 19:3-8 for the group.

Jesus said that God intended marriage to be permanent. He said that divorce was instituted for people who are not following God.

There are many reasons that God designed marriage to be permanent, some of which we talked about in the last section. Another reason marriage is to be permanent is for the sake of children. Obedience to God’s plan for marriage creates the very best environment in which to raise children. As parents honor God by obeying his principles in their marriage and family, they will be able to raise godly children (Malachi 2:15).

God designed human life in such a way that children take several years to grow to adulthood. During this time, children are dependent on parents for protection, provision, and training. This is different from animals that grow to maturity in a year or two. People need more time to develop mature character. God designed the family as the means of raising children. Many of the problems in society come from a lack of families that have faithful parents.

Marriage requires people to make a promise committing their whole lives to each other. Every culture has forms and a ceremony to show that marriage is a serious commitment. The ceremony is a way for the man and woman to state publicly that they are making this lifelong commitment.

Most governments maintain records of marriages. Laws about marriage affect the ownership of property, the custody of children, and inheritance.

Here is an example of wedding vows that have been used for many weddings:

I take you to be my wedded [husband/wife], to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you.

Romantic feelings will not be constant all of the time. A marriage cannot be based on personal feelings that are changeable. Marriage vows mean that a man and woman are promising to be faithful to each other as long as they both live, and that promise does not depend on any conditions.

Because of the permanence of marriage, Christians should never make statements that imply that they are willing to end their marriage because of relationship problems. A person should not say, “I wish I had not married you,” or “Maybe we should divorce.” Sometimes those statements are an attempt to manipulate the other person to show that he cares about the marriage. A person thinks that the other might try harder to please the spouse because of the harsh statement, but that rarely happens. Instead, the other person defends himself by saying, “Ok, we can divorce if you want to.” Then both have implied that they are willing to end the marriage because of their own desires, and the relationship is only worse.

► Why does a marriage begin with vows and not just a statement of love?

► Would someone like to share about how he/she entered marriage expecting benefits but not realizing the commitment necessary?

► A student should read 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 for the group.

These verses tell us that a believer’s commitment is hindered if he is too closely connected to unbelievers. Just as a believer cannot worship with a person who worships Satan, he cannot follow the lifestyle and priorities of unbelievers. The warning could apply to various kinds of relationships, including business partnerships.

Marriage is the closest human partnership. A believer should not even consider marrying someone who is not a committed believer (1 Corinthians 7:39). A believer married to an unbeliever will experience much sorrow and many hindrances in raising children and making lifestyle decisions.

If husband and wife are both believers but come from different churches, they must make sure they are in agreement about important spiritual issues. They should plan to be part of the same local church after they are married.

(1) They must celebrate God’s original design and appreciate their unique roles within the marriage.

A husband must remember that his wife is a gift from God, a helper who completes him. He must lay down his life for her security and her spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. He must choose to have gratitude for her and love her even when she is least deserving, realizing that only God can change what needs to change in her. God will honor his obedience and faith.

A wife must honor God’s choice of her husband as her head, show him respect in every way she can, and honor his leadership. She must choose submission and respect even when he makes mistakes and is least deserving, praying that God will change what needs to change in him. God will honor her obedience and faith.

(2) Married couples must cultivate true spiritual and physical intimacy.

They must seek to know each other without fear, criticism, comparison to others, abuse, selfish lust, or degradation. They must live with transparency and integrity before God and one another.

(3) Married couples must follow the example of God’s grace when they fail to measure up.

When Adam and Eve fell into sin and felt shame and regret, God revealed his power to redeem their failures. God sacrificed an animal to make coats for Adam and Eve for the covering of their nakedness (Genesis 3:21). This loving act of God was a picture of grace and of God’s promise of redemption through Christ. Christ enables us to be forgiven and restored. Through Christ, married couples can return to intimacy without shame even after they have failed.

Marriage is God’s creation, not man’s. Therefore, we must go to God for instruction, not to the world or culture. He alone knows how to make our marriages strong, enduring, and rewarding. But we will never be the spouses we ought to be without the Holy Spirit!

► What is a truth about marriage that many people seem to forget?

► Explain the principles that the church should teach in order to strengthen marriages. What understanding is especially lacking in your environment?

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for giving us the wonderful gift of marriage. Thank you for the beautiful way you designed it. Help us to make the commitment necessary for us to experience marriage the way you planned.

Help us demonstrate a love that is like the love between Christ and the church.

Help us go beyond the assumptions of our culture in our respect for one another.

Thank you for the work of the Holy Spirit that makes joyful, strong relationships possible.

Amen

(1) Choose two principles that were new to you from this lesson. Write a paragraph explaining each of them in your own words.

(2) Prepare a brief presentation on one of the topics listed below. (The class leader will assign a topic to each student.) Share the presentation at the beginning of the next class time.

• God’s design of union in marriage

• Biblical purposes for marriage

• God-given roles in marriage and the importance of being filled with the Spirit in order to fulfill those roles

• The permanence of marriage

(3) If you are unmarried, but plan to marry in the future, write two paragraphs of commitment to obeying God’s principles for your future marriage. If you are married, write two paragraphs of commitment to obeying God’s principles for your marriage.

Before continuing to Lesson 4, the class should study and discuss Appendix A. This is a brief discussion of respect for women, an important topic related to marriage and family.