Susanna Wesley gave birth to 19 children, but because of the conditions of the times, nine did not live long. The 10 children she raised included John and Charles Wesley. Her son John, after he became an adult, asked her to write a description of her methods for raising children, and she sent him a letter with this description.[1]
The children were taught the Lord’s Prayer as soon as they could speak, and they repeated it each morning and evening. The children read a chapter of scripture together daily. In those days most women were poorly educated, but Susanna insisted that all children should be taught to read. She prioritized literacy over learning to work.
Susanna said, “Self-will is the root of all sin and misery.” She taught her children to control their impulses and submit to authority. She said that every act of obedience should be commended even if it were not performed perfectly. Mistakes could be tolerated, but every willful disobedience should be punished.
The family always ate meals together, and children learned to eat what was served without complaining.
The Bible tells us that, “folly is bound up in the heart of a child…” (Proverbs 22:15). The Psalmist says that children are born speaking lies, “...they go astray from birth, speaking lies” (Psalm 58:3). Because this is true parents are responsible to correct their children.
If you offered a three-year-old child the choice between having a bowl of ice cream right now or owning an ice cream factory a year from now, he would choose to have the ice cream now. Even if a parent explained the options to the child, the child would choose the ice cream now if he really made his own decision. That illustration shows us that explanation is not enough to correct a child.
Explanation of right and wrong is not enough to correct a child, because
A child cannot understand mature reasoning (1 Corinthians 13:11).
A child cannot see the complete and long-term consequences of his actions.
A child is not mature enough to control his impulses and desires with reasoning.
Maybe it seems cruel to inflict physical pain on a child, but a loving parent does it to prevent worse harm: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Proverbs 13:24). For example, a small child who plays near a fire may fall into it and suffer great injury because he does not understand the danger. But if his mother smacks him when he goes too near the fire, the small pain prevents the large one.
Some people have experienced physical abuse from people who did not love them. Their experience makes them hate the thought of anyone physically punishing a child. However, a parent who neglects proper correction causes much trouble for his child later.
► Students should read Proverbs 19:18 and Proverbs 29:17 for the group.
Correction should begin when the child is old enough to understand that he is resisting his parents. Even a very young child knows when he is refusing to cooperate.
Most correction must be accomplished while the child is young and tender (Proverbs 22:15). Just as clay hardens with time and becomes more difficult to mold into a desired form, so a child’s character becomes more difficult to form with the passing of time. If a child is persistently disobeying his parents after age 10, the parents are not succeeding in their correction, and their chances of ultimate success are becoming much lower. Physical correction becomes less and less effective as the child gets older. It is a mistake for the parent to think that correction will be easier when the child is older; it will be more difficult and eventually become impossible.
As a child becomes a young adult, he or she can no longer be physically corrected as when a child. A young man or woman needs respect even if their behavior is not mature. The parent may use other forms of correction such as limiting the child’s entertainment or phone time or social activities, but loving and careful communication will be the most important. The parent must realize that the young person is making real decisions, and although the parent has influence, he cannot prevent the young person from exerting a personal will and experiencing consequences of decisions.
Some parents are not sure how severe they should be when giving physical punishment to a child. If a child is still acting angry and rebellious after the correction, the punishment was not severe enough (this principle does not apply in the case of a child who is too old to be effectively corrected with physical punishment). The correction should be severe enough to make the child regret his disobedience and choose to submit to authority. Correction should not cause injury. Correction that causes bruises or marks on the skin that remain more than a few minutes may be too severe.
The Bible uses the illustration of physical punishment to explain the way God deals with his children.
► Students should read Proverbs 3:11-12 and Hebrews 12:5-8 for the group.
These scripture passages tell us that God disciplines his children because he loves them. Likewise, a father disciplines his son because he loves him. Proper discipline is a sign of love. A lack of discipline is a lack of love.
Physical correction teaches the child self-control because he learns to resist a temptation, knowing that he will be punished if he does wrong. As he resists temptation to do wrong, he develops stronger character. When he is mature, he will resist temptation because he understands the consequences and not because of physical punishment. However, a child who is not consistently corrected becomes an adult who is too weak to resist temptation even when he knows that it is bad for him.
Imagine a parent who gives his child only candy to eat because the child wants it. He does not want to make the child unhappy, but he is doing harm to the child. Likewise, a parent who always yields to the child’s behavior is doing harm to the child’s character and future conditions. The Bible even says that a parent hates his child if he does not correct him (Proverbs 13:24).
A child who lives in a home without boundaries is not happy. Boundaries bring security. If a child learns that he gets what he wants by arguing and fussing, he will do it all the time, but he will not be happy. Children are happy when they are secure and directed within limits, not feeling that they must fight and resist control to have anything. An undisciplined child is rarely happy.
When the child is an adult, the world will not give him whatever he wants. He will not be respected and promoted if he is rude, selfish, and irresponsible. A parent should raise his child in a way that prepares him for life. Parents must remember that they are not raising children; they are raising adults.
A parent should explain and demonstrate that his correction of his child is for the purpose of helping the child develop into a person of good character who can be trusted and respected.
► Students should read Proverbs 22:15, Proverbs 23:13-14, and Proverbs 29:15 for the group.
Remember that the purpose of correction is to develop the child. When the child understands the wrong he has done and is already sorry, physical correction may not be necessary. The purpose is correction, not justice; the parent does not need to make sure the child receives the punishment he deserves.
► How is the correction of a parent different from the actions of a person who bullies and threatens physical harm to make people do what he wants?
A violent person is willing to harm other people to get what he wants. A parent loves his child. Physical correction is for the benefit of the child. A loving parent does not want to harm the child. A person cannot feel that a bully or oppressor loves him, but a child can know that he is loved even when he is corrected. He can realize that his life is better because of his parents’ authority.
Some parents punish severely and inconsistently because anger or cruelty. They injure their child physically and emotionally. They punish their children as a way to relieve their own stress and frustration with life. This is a serious problem that should not be tolerated by others who observe it. Friends, neighbors, and relatives should confront a person who is abusing a child. The spouse of an abusive parent should seek help from relatives, friends, or a pastor. It is important to protect a child.
► Some parents humiliate their children publicly when they do wrong. Is this a good method of correction?
► A student should read Ephesians 6:4 for the group.
The child needs to be sure that his parents love him and that their correction is for his benefit. When a child is humiliated by his parents, he does not feel loved. He may become bitter and feel that his parents’ authority is a terrible thing that he needs to escape. Parents should correct their children privately and avoid embarrassing them in the presence of other people. Parents should instruct and correct their children with gentleness and patience.[1] Proverbs 16:21b tells us that "...sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness."
► Imagine that you told your child to take care of your animals. When you come home in the evening you see that the animals were not fed. You are tired from working all day, but you must feed the animals before you rest because your child did not obey. Should you be angry? Is it wrong for a parent to be angry with his child?
The parent should remember that correction is supposed to benefit the child. When a parent is angry because he feels disrespected or because the child’s disobedience causes him inconvenience, he has an anger that cannot do anything good (James 1:20). His anger is self-centered.
A parent might express the right kind of anger this way: “Son, you did not feed the animals like I told you to do. The animals were hungry, and they would have been hungry all night if I did not feed them. I had to feed them though I was tired from working all day. I’m angry because I do not want you to be the kind of person who ignores the needs of others by neglecting your responsibility. Proverbs 12:10 teaches, ‘Whoever is righteous has regard for the life of his beast, but the mercy of the wicked is cruel.’”
Rebecca told her children not to take food or drink into the room that had new carpet on the floor. The next day she saw one of the children eating there, and she scolded him. Later one of the children walked over the carpet carrying a glass of juice and she scolded him. Over the next few days the children sometimes took drinks into that room, but Rebecca was busy and did not correct them. Then one day her son spilled Coca-Cola on the carpet. Rebecca was angry and spanked him.
► What is wrong with Rebecca’s way of correcting her children?
Rebecca’s rule was that the children should not take food or drinks into the room with carpet, but then she tolerated their rule breaking until there was an accident. She punished the accident rather than the rule breaking. This teaches children that they can break rules as long as they can prevent bad consequences. This idea develops bad character because it is the basis of all rule breaking. A person breaks rules because he thinks he can get the results he wants and avoid bad results. Parents should correct disobedience rather than punishing children for having accidents.
Michael told his sons to always put away their bicycles in the evening. Each day for a week, when Michael came home, the bicycles were still outside. Then one day at work Michael lost one of his tools, accidentally hurt his finger, and had a flat tire while driving home. When he got home the bicycles were still outside, and he punished his sons.
► What is wrong with Michael’s way of correcting his sons?
Many parents tolerate disobedience when they are in a good mood and punish disobedience when they are angry about situations of life. Children do not learn to obey unless parents correct them consistently.
► Look at the following points and explain why each is important. What happens if a parent does not follow these directions?
Requirements should be appropriate to the child’s abilities and maturity.
Punish only willful disobedience, not accidents.
Rules and requirements should be clear and understandable.
When the child disobeys, the parent should explain what the child should have done.
Never punish a child for something that was not under his control.
[1]Though 2 Timothy 2:24-25 and Galatians 6:1 were written as instruction for dealing with sin in the church, the instruction to demonstrate patience and gentleness while correcting those who are wrong applies to the context of parenting as well.
Practical Instructions from Children
Years ago, British psychologist, Dr. R.F. Hertz, conducted a research project. He asked 100,000 children between the ages of 8 and 14 from 24 countries to make a list of rules of behavior for parents. This research does not have the authority of God’s Word, but it does show us some of the needs that children feel. Here are some of the most common responses:
Do not quarrel in front of your children.
Don’t lie to a child.
Always answer children’s questions.
Treat all your children with equal affection.
There must be [friendship] between parents and children.
Treat your children’s friends as welcome visitors.
Don’t blame and punish your children in the presence of their friends.
Concentrate on your child’s good points and do not overemphasize his failings.
Be constant in your affection and your moods.
When one parent constantly criticizes the other in the presence of the children, the children may assume that they also should be able to disagree with and see the faults of the disrespected parent.[1] Parents should discuss their disagreements privately and try to develop policies to follow cooperatively.
Parents should not lie to a child (Colossians 3:9), even to give him reasons to cooperate or to relieve his worries. When a child realizes that his parent lies to him, he no longer feels secure. Some parents are unable to comfort or direct their children when they are afraid because the children do not believe what the parents say.
► Choose one of the points in the section above and describe the problems that result if a parent does not follow that direction.
[1]Instructions and principles from Ephesians 4:29-32, Ephesians 5:33; 1 Peter 3:7-12 are all applicable here.
A Christian’s Home
► When a stranger comes to your house, does he see immediately that it is a house where Christians live? How?
► A student should read Deuteronomy 6:6-9 for the group.
The Israelites were to give their attention to shaping the future by shaping the character of children. How were they to do it? They were to have a guarded environment for training their children in biblical principles. They were to display scripture everywhere (“write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”) Not only was scripture to be literally posted in the home, but most importantly, everything at home was to be consistent with scripture.
These families would not have had the Ten Commandments on one wall and a picture of a sinful, worldly entertainer on the other wall. That would be very confusing to a child’s understanding of values.
Children are influenced unconsciously by the things they see and hear every day. If a radio station is always playing in their house, they absorb some of the philosophy that underlies that music.
It is impossible for parents to shelter their children from every evil philosophy or worldly influence, but Christian parents must teach their children to evaluate everything they hear and see through the lens of God’s Word. Jesus prayed, “I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one… Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth” (John 17:15, 17).
Children notice whom their parents admire as heroes. They know whom their parents respect. It is inconsistent for a parent to teach his children Christian truth while he himself admires worldly and immoral people. A parent who does this communicates to his child that he would be happier for his child to be a successful entertainer than to be a faithful Christian.
Some parents think it is okay to let their child be exposed to sinful things if they explain to their child why those things are wrong. Think about this, though: if you were trying to get your child to eat the right food, you would not put a pile of candy and cake in front of him, then try to explain why he should eat vegetables. All the details about vitamins could not overcome his natural desires which are stirred at the sight of the candy.
Some parents allow a television to be on all of the time without concern about what their children are seeing. Christians must remember that society teaches that sin is okay as long as the results are controlled. Television shows people who are living in sin without consequences, but it is not a true description of real life. Television makes the child think his parents are keeping him from enjoying life, and he waits for the time when he can do what he wants.
Many Christians live in homes with relatives who are not Christians. In those cases, the home is not an environment that is protected from wrong influences. It is important for the Christian parent to set an example of love, faithfulness, purity, and joy, while praying that the Holy Spirit will help the child choose the right direction in life.
Imperfect Families
Because families are not perfect, relationships often have a history of previous mistakes and unresolved conflicts.
Even Christian parents are not perfect. They may not always be consistent in making and enforcing rules. They don't always understand their adolescent’s situation – things have changed in a new generation. They don't always have enough sympathy for their child’s real issues. They don't always have the best attitude and may say hurtful words.
God created the first people and designed the family. He made a man, made a wife for him, and gave them children to raise. God knows everything. God knew that parents would make mistakes, but he designed parenthood anyway. He saw that it was still the best way, with all the defects that people have. That means that there must be a way for the family to succeed. There are many benefits of the family system even when it is not perfect.
The fact that God invented parenthood is significant for children. It means that when children rebel they are deciding to reject the system that God instituted. God said, "Children, obey your parents" (Ephesians 6:1). Parents rebel against God’s plan when they neglect to fulfill the responsibilities God has given them. To reject God's plan is to rebel against God.
Responsibility in Child-Raising
In this scene of parenthood, there are three areas of responsibility. The child has an area of responsibility. The parent has an area of responsibility. God has an area of responsibility. We’ve already looked at parents’ responsibility in much detail in these last two lessons. Now we will consider God’s involvement in children’s lives and children’s responsibilities.
God’s Work in the Lives of Children
God wants children to have a personal relationship with him through faith in Jesus. (Read Matthew 18:1-6 and Matthew 19:13-15.)
God is faithful to draw our children to this relationship with him. (Read John 6:44.)
God talks to our children through His Word. (Read 2 Timothy 3:14-15.)
Children in Relationship with God
Children can be forgiven of their sins (1 John 2:12).
Children can know God (1 John 2:13).
Children can grow in relationship with God (1 Samuel 2:26).
Children can worship God (Matthew 21:15-16).
Children and young people can be used by God (Joel 2:28).
In scripture there are various examples of children and young people being used by God to accomplish his purposes: Samuel, the servant girl of Naaman’s wife, the boy whose lunch Jesus used to feed the multitude, Daniel, Joseph, David, and Mary, just to name a few.
The Responsibility of the Child
The child's responsibility, according to God's Word, is to obey his parents (Ephesians 6:1-3). What if the parent is wrong sometimes? The child must fulfill his responsibility and not make his responsibility conditional on how the parent performs. That is not the child's responsibility. His responsibility is to obey.
If the child could decide to obey only when he thinks the parent is right, the parent would have no authority. That can't be what God intended, because that would destroy the whole system of parenting.
The child is not responsible for how the parent uses authority. His own area of responsibility is to obey. What if the parent tells the child to do something that is wrong, like to bring him a beer from the refrigerator? The child does not have the responsibility of deciding whether the parent is right or not. He can voice his opinion respectfully, but he must obey.
Exceptions to the obligation to obey would be injurious physical abuse or immoral actions that should be appealed to a higher authority that is able to protect the child.
The problems that children have with their parents are not usually because they are questioning whether a command is consistent with Christian principles. The rebellious child is usually resisting his parents on routine matters, such as cleaning his room, doing household chores, being home at a certain time, and restrictions on his entertainment.
The rebelling child is resisting the concept of parental authority by claiming the right to decide when his parent's commands are wrong. His resistance comes from the basic desire for independence, self-sovereignty, and personal autonomy. At what age does a person get that? Never.
Such a concept of independence is an illusion. You will always have responsibilities that come from considering other people. There will always be tasks that you know that you should do, even if your mother is not there to tell you. A person who insists on living without any commitments to other people leaves a trail of pain and destruction, hurting anyone who trusts him and depends on him.
Sometimes children are offended at their parents' concerns, feeling that the parents should trust them more. If a child can try to understand and respect the parents' concerns, the parent may trust the child more and be willing to adjust restrictions. When a child rejects parents’ concerns, the parents feel that they need to restrict him more.
Admission of Mistakes
Many people are afraid to admit a mistake in a relationship because they fear that the admission will weaken them in future conflicts. In reality, the position of being honest and ready to do what is right is the strongest position to be in. The only way to get into that position and stay in it is to admit the wrongs that you have done, begin doing what is right, and be willing to be corrected whenever you have been at fault.
Sometimes the person in authority wants subordinates to admit their mistakes but is unwilling to admit his own mistakes because he thinks it will lessen his authority. That is wrong. If a person in authority cannot admit mistakes, his subordinates do not trust him. This principle applies to every position of authority, including that of parents.
Parents, if you are in conflict with your child, you have probably made some mistakes that need to be acknowledged. The child may be justifying his wrongdoing by your mistakes. Apologize for your harsh words, rash responses, and failure to understand a situation. There probably can be no progress toward ending conflict until you do this, for, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6b).
Whether you are the parent or the child, you need to acknowledge your wrongs. Repentance, apology, and consistent submission to God-given authority will usually gain better cooperation from others, but that is not the reason you should do it. You should do it to please God.
When you admit the wrongs you have done, you don't need to try to make sure the other person gets blamed for his wrongs. Don’t use the other person’s faults to excuse your wrong actions.
The relationship may improve immediately, or it may take time. Sometimes people have to see that a change is real before they change too. But the reason for you to do what is right is not to get someone else to change. You need to do what God wants you to do. Maybe the other person will not change, but you will have a clear conscience and God's blessing because you are fulfilling your responsibility. Trust God to fulfill his responsibility.
The Importance of Every Area of Life Being Submitted to God’s Authority
Imagine a small island country called Zhivia. A nearby island country called Grekia wants to conquer Zhivia. The ruler of Grekia promises the government of Zhivia that the two countries can have peace if Zhivia will give Grekia just 10 acres in the middle of their island. Would that be a good solution for peace? If Zhivia gives the enemy an area in the middle of their territory, the enemy can spread from that area to conquer more.
Imagine your life as a territory with various regions. One region may be employment or school. Another region is your entertainment. Another area is your relationship with family members. There are many other areas.
The whole territory, with all regions of your life, should be under God's authority. What happens if one region, the relationship with family members, is not under God's authority? You have allowed Satan to come into that region. From that region he will begin to invade other regions of your life. Likewise, if a person is impure in his entertainment, other regions of his life will be invaded by Satan. A Christian must put every region of his life under God’s authority.
Some Quick Points for Parents
► Students should read Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21, 1 Corinthians 13:11, and Colossians 3:8 for the group.
If your child is emotional, expressing anger or frustration, he thinks you don’t understand him. He probably thinks you don’t care enough to listen and try to understand.
Try to listen and understand. If you are frequently dismissing his problems as trivial or ridiculous, you do not understand what he is really facing. If it seems like a big problem to him, then it is a challenge to his faith and character. If you don't understand why he is reacting so strongly, you don't understand the significance wrapped up in the situation.
Don't ever give up on your child, and don't make statements that sound like you have given up.
Don’t think that all of your children are alike.
► A student should read Ephesians 4:30-32 for the group.
When problems come up, don't review a history of failures. The child wants to think of his past failures as irrelevant to the present. He thinks he is different now and that it is unfair for you to remind him of his past mistakes. However, don't expect him to be that generous with you.
For Group Discussion
► What are some concepts from this lesson that are new to you? Would you share some things that you plan to change in your practice?
► Discuss further ways that the church families could work together to improve life at home and help the children of the church.
Prayer
Heavenly Father,
We want our homes to be places of love, safety, and blessing. Help us to be pure and loving in all that we do there.
Help us to be consistent in Christian teaching and behavior. Give our children the desire to follow you.
Thank you for being faithful to each of our children. We know that your Spirit is working in their hearts.
Amen
Lesson Assignments
(1) Compile a list of seven biblical directions for families. Then list specific applications for real life situations. Write a paragraph explaining each application (seven paragraphs).
(2) Choose one of the topics below. Go through the book of Proverbs and create a list of Proverbs that address this topic. Write two paragraphs summarizing what Proverbs says about the topic. Then write three paragraphs about how a parent could teach his child or adolescent the principles. Topics:
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