Lesson 9: The Five Love Languages – Part 2

By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Understand the five languages in which love is expressed.

(2) Discuss dangers related to misuse or neglect of each of the five love languages.

(3) Describe the benefits of a child’s emotional tank being full.

(4) Identify the primary love languages of immediate family members.

(5) List specific ways to demonstrate love to family members in each of the five love languages.

(6) Commit to demonstrating love for family members in their primary love languages.

In the last lesson, we learned about self-giving, unconditional love. We also learned that there are at least five different ways (languages) in which love can be expressed. Most people naturally recognize and express love primarily in one or two of those five ways.

We discussed words of affirmation and discovered practical ways to communicate our love to family members. In this lesson, we will learn about the other four love languages, then make specific applications for demonstrating our love to our children.

People whose primary love language is quality time feel most loved when others purposefully set aside time to be with them. This time is carefully reserved for being together, focusing on one another. It is time for enjoyment and fellowship.

Quality time is not accidental or spare. If you are stuck in traffic or waiting at an appointment, you should use the time wisely, but that time is not usually the same as purposeful quality time together. A spouse or your child may work on a project with you, and that is valuable, but that time together may not always meet their need for quality time with you.

An uninterrupted conversation is one of the best forms of quality time. In such a conversation, each person is attentively listening to the other. Each person dismisses interruptions such as text messages and phone calls so that he can focus on the other person and on the discussion.

Here are a few other ways that you can show you are attentively listening:

1. Maintain eye contact.

2. Listen actively. Respond to what the other person is saying. Don’t just think about what you want to say next. Instead, take the time to check your understanding of what the other person is thinking and saying. You can confirm that you understand correctly by saying something like “If I am hearing you correctly, you feel that…”

3. Don’t interrupt. The hearer often thinks he understands the idea and then quickly interrupts to give his opinion. This makes the speaker feel like the hearer did not take time to really understand.

4. Listen for feelings, not just facts. When we try to understand another person’s perspective, we show them that we think they are valuable. By listening with our hearts, we are communicating that their opinions and feelings are important to us; and that they themselves are important to us!

The best quality time is when you are not doing anything but communicating with each other, but other forms of time together are also valuable. Families can spend quality time together every day during a mealtime, purposefully focusing on one another as they eat together.

Reading stories to young children, playing together, or doing something recreational together are other ways that families can spend quality time together. Doing a project or craft together that is just for fun, not for school, or work, or ministry, is also quality time.

When someone is away from family, quality time can be spent together by visiting on the phone.

Quality time is reserved, undistracted, unhurried time to focus on each other and enjoy each other’s companionship. It is best to reserve some quality time with one’s spouse and children every day.

When Time Isn’t Reserved

When a spouse or parent is a ministry leader, it is especially difficult to reserve quality time with family. Pastors’ children often feel that anyone else can call and get their father’s attention, but he is too busy to take time for them. It may seem that family time is usually sacrificed for sake of ministry.

Interruptions are not completely avoidable for a person in ministry, but you must try to reserve time for your family. If you do, they are more likely to understand your regular obligations and the extra, unavoidable interruptions that come up.

The person whose primary love language is quality time feels least loved when he does not have purposeful, focused time with his family. He feels most hurt when quality time is not prioritized, and when plans for quality time are set aside when interruptions arise. It is hard for him when his family is too busy to spend time with him. He feels less valuable when family members do not listen to him with undivided attention.

If you are failing to give your spouse or child personal attention, they may not feel the love you have for them, even though you are doing things for them. A man may be working hard for his family, yet his wife may feel unloved because he is too busy for time with her.

A young boy went to his father to tell him a story he had recently heard. The father was reading a book, but paused to listen for a minute, then went back to reading his book while his son was in the middle of the story. For the rest of his life, the boy remembered how he felt in that moment.

► What does quality time usually look like for your family? What difficulties do you have to overcome so that you can spend meaningful time together?

People whose primary love language is receiving gifts feel most loved when others give them something that shows they were thinking of them.

Gifts that cause someone to feel loved are gifts that are given thoughtfully. They are chosen with the recipient’s interests in mind. They are not necessarily practical or needed. Gifts of love are not given just because the giver did not want them anymore. Gifts should be purposefully selected or made by the giver.

A gift that makes someone feel loved does not have to be expensive. It can be something that lasts for a moment, such as special food or candy; or it can be an enduring visible reminder of the relationship with the giver. For someone whose primary love language is receiving gifts, birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are very significant. It is especially important for family members to remember these days with a special gift for this person. To not receive a gift on these special days is particularly painful for this person.

Gift-giving must not be limited to special days, though; it should be an on-going way of life. The spouse, parent, or child of someone whose primary love language is receiving gifts should make a habit of looking for gifts that will help their loved one remember they are thought about and loved.

A wife whose primary love language is receiving gifts could feel very unloved if she thinks her husband tried to save expense by getting her something for a gift that was necessary anyway. Maybe she needs a new broom, and he gives her one. It is good for her to have a new broom, but that gift will not help her to feel loved.

Gifts are significant when they show that the person understood and cared about the recipient. They are significant when they were not necessary. A gift is significant when some thought, effort, and cost went into it.

Children whose primary love language is receiving gifts feel more loved when their father buys ice cream for them than when he pays their school bill, even though the school bill is much larger and more important. Rather than demanding that family members appreciate what you routinely provide, find ways to do something that is special to them.

Some people make their children or spouse beg for everything. A person who is frugal and rarely buys things for himself may not find it easy to be generous and give gifts that seem unnecessary. He doesn’t want his family members to begin to expect gifts. But if he has a spouse or child to whom gifts are significant, he should work to overcome his natural tendency. He must try to see gifts as they see them—as important and worthwhile. When giving gifts, give freely, with joy!

► A student should read 2 Corinthians 9:6-9 for the group. In this passage, Paul is urging the Corinthian believers to give generously to their fellow believers who are in need. From these verses, try to identify four or five motivations for generosity. In what way do the principles from this passage apply to generosity within our families?

► What place does gift-giving have in your family? Do you experience any difficulties in expressing love through giving gifts? What are the difficulties and how can you overcome them?

People whose primary love language is acts of service feel most loved when others do things for them.

Acts of service meet practical needs. They may or may not be things that the person was unable to do for himself. Service can be as simple as getting someone a drink. It might be taking care of someone who is sick. It might be helping in a situation of need.

In most families, there will be long periods of time when one family member needs constant personal care. Because of the family's love and commitment to the person, they continually perform many acts of service. Even though so much time is devoted to acts of service, family members should remember to demonstrate love in other, more meaningful ways as well, especially if this person's primary love language is not acts of service.

Some acts of service are typically routine and can easily be overlooked or taken for granted. Many women are expressing love through their daily cooking and housekeeping. A man may work to provide for his family. If you are already serving your family in everyday ways like this, you still should look for special ways to do acts of service for a family member with this primary love language.

When a wife shows no interest in her husband’s small needs, she is failing to speak this love language. Maybe she thinks, “He can get a drink of water for himself.” But if she got the water for him, it would express to him her special love.

Likewise, a husband should show consideration. When he gives his wife a break from a task she usually does, by doing it for her, he is honoring her role and recognizing that her work is strenuous and important.

A husband may feel that he already works enough, and that it is his wife’s job to take care of all household chores. He may even think she ought to be more efficient than she is. If he assumes that tasks at home are beneath his dignity, it shows that he considers women to be inferior and deserving of lesser tasks. Women are not inferior, and household work is not more lowly work than work outside the home.

A man may feel that he is taking the role of a servant (below his wife) when he helps at home, but that is not true. If he volunteers to help, he shows the value of the task and the value of the person he is helping. His service honors the person who normally does the task and shows his appreciation for them. His wife will not see him as more of a servant but as more respectable.

If people help reluctantly and grudgingly, they imply that they are being forced to help. Their act of service does not communicate love. If they do acts of service cheerfully and put forth their best effort, it shows that they are freely choosing to serve, because nobody can force them to serve like that. This glad service communicates their love clearly. It also helps them to earn the respect of their loved one.

► When is it hardest for you to serve your family? How does thinking about service as an expression of love change your perspective?

People whose primary love language is physical touch feel most loved when they are lovingly touched by their family members.

There are different ways to show affection through physical touch. Some are appropriate in some relationships and in certain settings but are not appropriate in other relationships. Here are a few examples:

• Hugging each other

• Putting an arm around someone’s back or shoulder

• Resting your hands on someone’s shoulders

• Patting someone’s back or shoulder

• Sitting together

• Holding hands with each other

• Kissing each other

• Giving a back massage

• Holding a child

• Tousling or combing a child’s hair

• Giving tender, gentle care when one is sick or has other physical weakness

Physical touch can also be especially meaningful when someone is going through a difficult time. During times of grief, pain, loneliness, or depression, a hug can be more meaningful to someone whose primary love language is physical touch than any words or acts of service.

For the person whose primary love language is physical touch, it is important to keep expressing your love physically even when they are sick, if it is possible. Remember that love is unconditional and self-sacrificial. The father in Luke 15:20 hugged and kissed his repentant son, though his son was stinky, dirty, and unlovely in every way.

The love language of physical touch is not necessarily about sex. Sexual activity is a category of touch. The desire to touch and be touched may prompt and be expressed in sexual activity, but sexual activity alone will not be sufficient for a person whose primary love language is touch.

The desire to feel loved through physical touch can make a person feel tempted to immoral sexual activity. It is important for parents to give sufficient expressions of appropriate, non-sexual physical touch to their sons and daughters, so that their children’s physical touch needs are met. A child who feels loved has a stronger encouragement to resist temptation.

Sins of Physical Touch

Those whose primary love language is touch are especially violated by physical roughness. Striking out at someone in anger (Galatians 5:20), slapping someone’s face to humiliate them (Matthew 5:39) or beating someone as a misuse of authority (Matthew 24:48-49) is evil. Because of these scriptures, we know that parents never have the right to hurt their children, even if they feel angry or frustrated. God also says it is evil for children to hit their parents (Exodus 21:15).

Appropriate, controlled, physical discipline of children given by parents in a spirit of gentleness (Colossians 3:21), for the purpose of correction and instruction in righteousness, is not sinful. Instead, it is God’s requirement of parents, enabling them to rescue their children’s souls (Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 19:18, Proverbs 29:15, Hebrews 12:5-7).

All sexual immorality and abuse, including incest (Leviticus 20:11-12, 14) is evil.

People are not always aware of their primary love language. They might not think about the ways that they most often express their love to others. They might not be aware of what others do that makes them feel loved. Take a moment to reflect on what you know of the five love languages.

► With what love language do you most naturally and most often express your love for others?

► What are your primary and secondary love languages? If you are having trouble discerning which expressions of love mean the most to you, here are some questions to help you:

• What are examples of things that make you happy?

• What are your favorite memories?

• What do you complain about (even silently)?

• What feels hurtful to you?

All people need to regularly receive expressions of love in all five love languages, but this is especially true for children. To become balanced, emotionally healthy children, they need to be consistently and frequently told and shown that they are unconditionally loved by their parents. When parents demonstrate their love for their children in a variety of ways many times each day, it is like gentle, nurturing rain on the soil of their children’s hearts.

Do not assume your children know and feel your love for them. They must frequently and regularly see your love demonstrated in their primary love language as well as the other love languages.

Determining a Child’s Primary Love Language

Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell list these ideas for how you can discover your child’s primary love language:[1]

1. Observe how your child expresses love to you.

2. Observe how your child expresses love to others.

3. Listen to what your child requests most often.

4. Notice what your child most frequently complains about.

5. Give your child a choice between two options.

It may not be possible to determine a child’s primary love language before the age of five.

Special Notes on the Love Languages for Children

We will not go into detail about each of the love languages here since each were previously discussed. Instead, we will only note a few special implications and applications for showing love to children.

Words of Affirmation

It feels particularly difficult to give affirmation when someone is mostly doing wrong or not performing well. But if you can find something sincere and affirmative to say it will motivate your children, and it is more likely that they will be able to grow.

Quality Time

It is very beneficial for families to eat together at least one meal a day and focus on visiting with each other during that time.

In families with multiple children, it is easy to neglect quality time with an individual child. However, setting aside time to do something special with individual children will help them to feel your love for them. Time alone together also gives them a safe opportunity to share personal thoughts that they may be reluctant to share in front of their siblings or other family members.

Oftentimes, children will suddenly request quality time alone with one of their parents. Sometimes at bedtime a child will be open and want to talk about something that is burdening their heart. It is very important for parents to take the time to listen to their children in these moments. Many times, a child is dealing with a spiritual matter, and by privately coming to his mom or dad, he is seeking spiritual help. Parents have a special opportunity to lead their children to Jesus in these times.

In your quality time with your children, learn to ask them open-ended questions that will help you understand how they are thinking and what they are feeling. Open-ended questions cannot be answered with “Yes” or “No.” Open-ended questions do not have a particular answer. Open-ended questions usually begin with “Why…” “How…” or “What...”. Open-ended conversation starters begin with phrases like “Tell me about…” or “What do you think about…”

As your child answers your question, be sure to attentively listen to their answer and respond appropriately. In some cases, you will want to ask a follow-up question. At other times, you will want to clarify to make sure you understand what they are trying to explain. Sometimes you should affirm them in what they are perceiving or feeling. It is important that the child not feel like they are being interviewed, but that the conversation be natural. Your attentiveness will help your child feel heard, valued, and loved.

Taking time to really listen to a child tell a story also communicates your love for them in a way that is very meaningful for them. Taking time to tell children stories or read books to them is also a great way to share quality time together.

Playing games together or working on a fun project together are other ways to share quality time with your children.

Some parents do not give their children adequate quality time. They try to compensate for this by giving their children gifts. Gifts cannot replace quality time. Children need much quality time with their parents, no matter what their primary love language is. No number of gifts will substitute for spending time with your children.

Gifts

Many parents rarely buy their child a toy or interesting book, because those things don’t seem necessary. Those things can be helpful for the child’s development, besides being an expression of love.

Acts of Service

Some ideas for expressing love to your child in acts of service:

• Prepare their favorite meal for their birthday

• Give them tender care when they are sick

• Help your child with a school project

• Do household tasks with your child and express your appreciation for their work

• Do something helpful with your child for someone not in your household

Physical Touch

All babies and little ones must experience love through physical touch. Infants have practical needs, such as being fed and getting their diapers changed, but they also need to be held, cuddled, caressed, and kissed. This gentle physical touch communicates love in a way they feel and is essential to their emotional and mental health.

For a dad to scuffle with his sons can be an expression of love. The competition should not be hurtful, dominating, out of control, or causing anger.

Long-Term Effects of a Parent’s Actions and Words

Parents must follow God’s example in their dealings with their children. He always attends to his children with perfect, self-giving, unconditional love. He disciplines, corrects, and trains his children because of his love for them (Hebrews 12:5-7). It is in the context of a father/child relationship that he works in believers’ lives to make them like himself (Hebrews 12:10-11).

It is not appropriate for parents’ love for their children to be conditioned on the behavior of their children. Of course, positive rewards or negative consequences for behavior are an appropriate part of child-training, but expressions of love should not be given or withheld because of behavior.

If a child consistently experiences the unconditional love of his parents, he will more easily understand and trust God’s love for him. However, it is more difficult for those who were abused or neglected as children to understand and trust in a loving heavenly Father, even after they are grown.

Children’s understanding of themselves—especially their value as individuals—almost always comes from what they hear and perceive from others. Their parents’ actions and words are the most influential, but relatives and friends have a large impact as well. Whether or not children receive the expressions of love that they need is part of what forms their self-image. When love is withheld from children, or children experience emotional or physical abuse, it damages their view of their self-worth in a way that affects their whole life.

Parents’ words influence children’s understanding of themselves. For example:

• Words of affirmation: “I’m proud of you for working so hard! I know you can do it!” This tells children that effort is worthwhile, and that you believe they can be achievers.

• Words that are destructive: “You are so lazy. I can’t depend on you for anything!” This could lead a child to believe they are incapable of changing; there is no reason they should try to change or earn your respect, because you’ve already given up on them. It could make the children feel that you have rejected them.

• Words of affirmation: “It’s okay. We all make mistakes sometimes, and then we learn how to do better next time.” This tells children that it is safe to make mistakes—your love for them is not dependent on their perfect performance. It also tells children that they should expect to be able to grow, there is a reason to keep trying.

• Words that are destructive: “You are so stupid. You always mess up.” This could lead a child to believe it is hopeless to try. It could easily communicate to them that their value is dependent on perfect performance; and since they always mess up, they are incapable of ever having value. They won’t ever be worthy of being loved… by you or anyone else.

A child’s understanding of himself as a person is shaped by the love that is communicated or withheld from him. His ability to relate to others in healthy ways is either developed or handicapped by his relationship with his parents. The child who is loved well can learn to love other people with self-giving, unconditional love. He also has a reservoir of love from which to draw.

Real love is emotional fuel for children, just as it is for adults.

Benefits of a Full Emotional Tank

There are many ways children benefit from having full emotional fuel tanks. When children know they are loved, they have the strength and stability they need to face challenges and develop properly.

Children who know they are loved unconditionally are emotionally secure. Because of this, they are more ready to accept discipline, correction, and guidance from their parents than they would be otherwise. They are also more able to resist temptation caused by peer pressure, because they are secure in who they are and do not need to prove themselves to others.

A girl who usually flirts with boys may behave that way because she fears that they will not like her or pay attention to her otherwise. A girl who is shy with boys may fear that they won’t like her if she truly expresses her personality. Daughters who receive affirmation and affection from their fathers can more likely interact with boys in healthy ways without being flirty or shy. They are secure in their identity because of their father’s love.

Genuine, unconditional parental love expressed frequently in all five of the love languages protects children from much harm. Children who are loved well do not usually seek love and security from others who intend to harm them.

In summary, there are many benefits of having a full emotional fuel tank as a child:

• Right understanding of one’s worth and the source of it

• Right understanding of effort, mistakes, growth, and unconditional love

• Ability to learn to love others well

• Strength and stability for facing challenges and developing properly

• Emotional security

• Ability to accept discipline, correction, and guidance

• Ability to reject the wrong influences of peers

• Not vulnerable to abuse in future relationships

► What other ways have you seen children benefit from being well loved?

Disadvantages of an Empty Emotional Tank

Children who do not feel loved may resist guidance because they lack motivation to please their mother or father. Without a full emotional fuel tank, many children lack a strong, positive connection of loyalty with the parent who is trying to lead them.

Children whose emotional fuel tanks are empty are far more vulnerable to abuse than children in healthy, loving relationships with family members. Because they do not feel loved, they may seek love from people who want to use them or harm them.

In these lessons we have learned about five primary love languages. Even though individuals usually have one or two primary love languages, every person needs to regularly be loved in all five ways. A healthy family is one in which each person purposefully nurtures relationships with others by daily speaking affirmative words, spending quality time together, serving, and providing loving touch. Giving gifts to one another may not be a daily occurrence but is still an important part of healthy relationships within a family.

► How is love most often expressed in your family? Is love expressed in all five love languages? How frequently are expressions of love shared?

A nonreligious 25-year study of 14,000 families showed that many healthy, successful, and balanced families from different cultural backgrounds share six common qualities.[1] Some of these qualities directly relate to the various love languages, which seems to emphasize the importance of different expressions of love. Stinnett and Beam listed those six qualities and descriptions for each:

1. Commitment. Members of strong families are dedicated to promoting each other’s welfare and happiness. They value the unity of the family.

2. Appreciation and affection. Members of strong families show appreciation for each other often. They can feel that their family is good.

3. Positive communication. Members of good families have good communication skills and spend large amounts of time talking with each other.

4. Time together. Strong families spend time—quality time in generous quantities—with each other.

5. Spiritual well-being. Whether they go to religious services or not, strong families have a sense of a greater good or power in life. That belief gives them strength and purpose.

6. The ability to cope with stress and crisis. Members of strong families are able to view stress or crisis as opportunities to grow.

We have considered many things in these two lessons. We began with a discussion of genuine love, then recognized five languages in which love is usually communicated. We learned about emotional fuel tanks and the need our family members have to experience our love for them in their primary love language. We talked about how personality differences within a family can cause us to grow in love.

After that, we explored each of the five love languages in-depth, looking at examples of each, and the damage that is caused when each is neglected or abused. We learned about how children benefit from having full emotional fuel tanks, and how they suffer when their tanks are depleted. We talked in more detail about expressing our love to our children. Then, we noticed how the practice of the five love languages is linked to the six common qualities of healthy families.

As we conclude these lessons, we will discuss your personal responsibility—what you can do and what you should do with what you have learned.

(1) You are responsible to love your family.

You should be willing to change in whatever way is necessary without waiting for your family members to love you. Real love does not wait until the other person shows love to you. It expresses itself even when the other person seems least deserving, because love is not based on the worthiness of the recipient.

(2) You are responsible to do your best to express your love for your family in the ways most significant to them.

It is likely that you will have to put extra effort into demonstrating love in one or more of the languages that do not come naturally to you. At first, some of the expressions of love may feel unnatural, awkward, or silly to you.

Learn to notice opportunities to show love to your family members. Become alert to what your family members may need at a given moment. Here are some examples for each of the love languages:

• Words of Affirmation: Think, “______ probably feels uncertain about what he just said. But he was right in what he said. I need to say something affirming.”

• Quality Time: Ask, “Would you like to talk about it?” Then stop what you are doing, give them your full attention, and show with your body language that you are really listening.

• Gifts: As you hand them the gift say, “I saw this and it made me think of you.”

• Acts of Service: Jump up and ask, “Could I get that for you?” or “Could I help you with that?”

• Physical Touch: Go over to them and say, “You look like you could use a hug” as you wrap your arms around them.

(3) You are responsible for your emotions.

God designed you to need to be in healthy relationships with others. But whether or not that is possible, God himself is your ultimate source and satisfaction. Your family is not ultimately responsible for your emotional well-being. God loves you perfectly, though no one else ever could. He can make up for any lack you may have, as you abide in his love (John 15:9-11).

Your family may not express love for you in your primary love language. Perhaps they are unaware of your primary love language and your emotional needs. Perhaps they lack motivation to express love for you in the way that is most significant to you. You may be able to explain to them how you feel most loved. But you cannot make them choose to express love for you in that way.

Perhaps your family is expressing their love for you in other ways. As you become aware of the love languages, you will begin to notice the ways your family is already showing their love for you. While you cannot change them, you can choose to accept their expressions of love and demonstrate your appreciation for that love.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for giving me my family. Help me to value each one of them as I ought to, and to nurture a good relationship with each one of them.

Thank you for the opportunity to consider ways I can show my love for my family. Help me learn to be like Jesus: to give of my time, emotional and physical energy, and resources to bless and encourage my family. Help me to have a humble heart, so that I will prioritize others’ needs over my own. Help me be aware of the opportunities I have to express my love for each family member.

You have shown me what real love is. You expect me to make the same commitment of love to my family that you have made to me. I choose to love my spouse and children with an unconditional, self-giving love. Give me grace and mercy for the many ways I have failed. Enable me to love them as I should.

Amen

(1) Think about the likely primary love languages of your spouse and each of your children. List your family members’ names. Then list the primary one or two love languages of each.

(2) Which expressions of love will require extra effort on your part? Mark those. Write down some ideas for how you will begin to intentionally express your love for your family in those ways.

(3) Examine your culture, especially your own social group. List the five love languages. In your culture, how are each of the love languages demonstrated? Are there any of the five that are usually ignored? What are some specific ways people in your social group could demonstrate love in better ways than what is usual in your culture? Write several paragraphs answering these questions.