Lesson 7: The Sacredness of Marriage

By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Understand God’s plan for marriage and the rules for marriage that protect from problems and provide for blessings.

(2) Explain scriptural directions for families.

Dr. Robertson McQuilkin served as a missionary in Japan for 12 years. He later became president of Columbia International University. He was well known as a writer, speaker, and educator. His wife Muriel suffered from Alzheimer’s disease. When the disease progressed to the condition where Muriel needed constant care, Dr. McQuilkin resigned from the presidency of the university to take care of his wife. He said he was keeping the promise that he made to her when they married. He believed that caring for his wife was more important than keeping the position of university president.

Marriage was instituted by God for the first man and woman he created.

► A student should read Genesis 2:21-24 for the group. What do these verses tell us about marriage?

Marriage was designed by God to be exactly what people needed. It was designed exactly for human nature. In everything God designs and in everything he requires, he always wants what is best for us (Deuteronomy 6:24). God knows that his plan for marriage will provide each spouse with the best emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being.

Marriage is also designed to be a reflection of God’s character and his relationships. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit have always been and will always be in relationship with each other. Each is unique in his role, but all persons of the Trinity are permanently One and are of One essence. In the relationship between the persons of the Trinity, we see unity, intimacy, faithfulness, and steadfast love. Biblical marriage is patterned after this amazing relationship. God’s plan is for each husband and wife to be pure in their love and committed to each other for life.

God said that in marriage a man and woman leave their parents and join together. Marriage puts two people into a friendship and partnership that is stronger and closer than any other human relationship.

Marriage is not just two people together in a limited partnership. Their lives have been merged so that in a sense they are like one person. This is not an obliteration of their individual personalities, but a special unity.

God designed marriage to be permanent. In marriage, a man and woman promise to be faithful to each other for as long as both are alive.

The Bible records Jesus’ words about marriage, spoken in a conversation with the Pharisees.

► A student should read Matthew 19:3-8 for the group.

Jesus said that God intended marriage to be permanent. He said that divorce was instituted for people who are not following God.

There are many reasons that God designed marriage to be permanent, some of which we talked about in the last section. Another reason marriage is to be permanent is for the sake of children. Obedience to God’s plan for marriage creates the very best environment in which to raise children. As parents honor God by obeying his principles in their marriage and family, they will be able to raise godly children (Malachi 2:15).

God designed human life in such a way that children take several years to grow to adulthood. During this time, children are dependent on parents for protection, provision, and training. This is different from animals that grow to maturity in a year or two. People need more time to develop mature character. God designed the family as the means of raising children. Many of the problems in society come from a lack of families that have faithful parents.

Marriage requires people to make a promise committing their whole lives to each other. Every culture has forms and a ceremony to show that marriage is a serious commitment. The ceremony is a way for the man and woman to state publicly that they are making this lifelong commitment.

Most governments maintain records of marriages. Laws about marriage affect the ownership of property, the custody of children, and inheritance.

Here is an example of wedding vows that have been used for many weddings:

I take you to be my wedded [husband/wife], to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you.

Romantic feelings will not be constant all of the time. A marriage cannot be based on personal feelings that are changeable. Marriage vows mean that a man and woman are promising to be faithful to each other as long as they both live, and that promise does not depend on any conditions.

► A student should read 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 for the group.

These verses tell us that a believer’s commitment is hindered if he is too closely connected with unbelievers. Just as a believer cannot worship with a person who worships Satan, he cannot follow the lifestyle and priorities of unbelievers. The warning could apply to various kinds of relationships, including business partnerships.

Marriage is the closest human partnership. A believer should not even consider marrying someone who is not a committed believer (1 Corinthians 7:39, 2 Corinthians 6:14-18). A believer married to an unbeliever will experience much sorrow and many hindrances in raising children and making lifestyle decisions.

If husband and wife are both believers but come from different churches, they must make sure they are in agreement about important spiritual issues. They should plan to be part of the same local church after they are married.

► Why does a marriage begin with vows and not just a statement of love?

► A student should read Hebrews 13:4 for the group.

This verse tells us that marriage is supposed to be highly respected. Sexual sin is a disrespect of marriage. God will judge sexual immorality.

Sexual sins include lustful fantasies, fornication, adultery, homosexual activity, and use of pornography. To have lustful fantasies is to willingly imagine sexual activity with anyone who is not your spouse. Fornication is sexual activity between people who are not married. Adultery is sexual activity that includes a person who is married to someone else. Homosexual activity is sexual activity between people of the same gender. Pornography includes writing, pictures, and videos designed to cause sexual reactions by showing nudity or sexual activity. All of these are violations of the marriage relationship.

Remember—every hunger that entices us in the flesh is an exploitation of a need that can be better met by God. The only context for godly sex is marital sex. Illicit sex is… immediately sweet, but something that will poison our spiritual appetite until we crave that which will ultimately destroy us. Illicit sex will do nothing but diminish our sensitivity to holiness, righteousness, and God’s presence in our lives.[1]

In many passages, Proverbs warns that sexual immorality destroys a person’s life and leads to death (Proverbs 2:16-19 and Proverbs 6:24-29, 32-33 for example).

Robertson McQuilkin writes that God’s purposes for human sexuality

…are violated mentally almost as severely as they would be by the act itself. He did not simply create male and female; he created them for one another in an intimate, permanent bond of marriage, a oneness patterned after his own nature. For this high purpose to be fulfilled, the intimacy must be exclusive and the commitment permanent or it is no oneness. Faithfulness is most importantly of the mind. Exclusive intimacy, permanent commitment, and mutual trust are violated first in the mind.[2]

► Students should read 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, 15-20 and Matthew 5:27-30 for the group.

Every society has cultural views of relationships between men and women. These cultural views have lower standards than the standards of biblical morality. Many cultures have only the rules necessary for maintaining an orderly society. They tolerate sexual sin if it is managed carefully enough to avoid bad consequences or scandal. The biblical standard of morality is different.

Sadly, some churches follow the morality of their culture instead of the morality of the Bible. They punish people whose sins have become obvious and careless, but they tolerate the same sins by people who are more careful.

These verses tell us that people who are committing these sins are not believers and will not go to heaven. Some of the Corinthian believers had committed these sins in the past but had been saved from them.

Any doctrine that excuses any of these sins for a person who professes to be a believer is a false doctrine. If a person claims to be a follower of Christ yet commits sexual sin, the church is required by scripture to remove him from the church and not consider him a believer (1 Corinthians 5:11-13).

Church leaders should set a good example of behavior. When a church allows worship leaders to dress immodestly or allows sensual forms of dance in the church, they imply that wrong sexual desires are normal. They imply that sexual sin is not serious.

The dress styles of a society may imply that a person is not well-dressed without physical exposure to cause sexual attraction. Church members sometimes fall into this error, especially for special occasions. They think they are not well-dressed unless they follow the fashion of their society. The church must teach that this is wrong. A believer should not want to cause wrong desires in others. 1 Timothy 2:9-10 tells us that believers should dress and act in such a way that anyone who sees them knows they are living careful, pure lives and are unwilling to sin or cause others to sin. Christians should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control.

Help for the Sinner

Galatians 6:1 says that the church has a responsibility to try to restore a member who has sinned. That does not mean that a person should keep a ministry position or be quickly put back into a ministry position after he has sinned. Restoration means to be accepted back into the fellowship and care of the church. If the member truly repents, he is forgiven by God and the church. The church should provide spiritual accountability to help him maintain victory and become spiritually strong.

If an unmarried girl becomes pregnant, the church should not exclude her from the fellowship and care of the church without attempting spiritual restoration. If she repents and submits to spiritual accountability, she is forgiven. Her sin is not worse than the sin of the man who was involved. Sometimes the girl is treated severely simply because the results of her sin are so visible.

In some societies, parents who feel shame because of their unwed daughter’s pregnancy are tempted to kill the unborn child to save face for their family. But there is never a good reason for murder (Exodus 20:13). Every unborn child is made in God’s image (Genesis 9:6, Psalm 139:13-14). The girl’s baby must be protected, loved, and nurtured.

The church is a family of faith. It is not enough for the church to condemn sins. The church must take care of its members. For example, a person being supported financially by sinful activity may need help to develop alternative financial support.

A real situation…

Several girls were attending a large church and singing in the choir. Their families were poor. The girls were in immoral relationships with men in order to earn money to help their families. What should the church do in that situation?

► What should your church do to help people leave sinful lifestyles?

Pornography

Pornography is writing, pictures, or videos designed to cause sexual reactions by showing nudity or sexual activity.

The internet is making pornography easily available around the world. The widespread use of technology makes pornography a temptation to people who have not been taught to apply Christian principles to the issue. Many mature pastors and leaders never faced those temptations because the internet was not available when they were young. They may barely understand what the younger generation is facing.

Pornography is wrong because it is designed to cause a person to take pleasure in imagining actions of fornication, adultery, and many forms of sexual perversion. It is attractive to a person who has sinful desires. Pornography invites and enables a person to take delight in immoral actions that God condemns.

Pornography is addictive. The person who uses pornography feels a strong need for it. He can hardly imagine living without it. It seems to him that life would be empty and uninteresting without the imaginations he gets from pornography. Like every other addiction, the desire becomes consuming, and the user begins to sacrifice the good things in his life.

Pornography is progressive. The user needs material that is increasingly explicit and perverted. He will begin to take delight in imaginations that would have disgusted and horrified him before.

Pornography is damaging. The user becomes less capable of enjoying a normal relationship. His desires become so unnatural that they can never be satisfied. He becomes insensitive to the abuse of others.

Pastors and parents must warn young people of the danger of addiction. Parents should not give their children unrestricted access to the internet when they lack the maturity to resist temptation. Anyone who struggles with the temptation to use pornography should regularly give a report of victories or failures to a trusted, godly person. Regular checkups with this mature believer can help the struggling person to maintain a commitment to purity and gain consistent victory.

► What practices should you recommend to people to help protect them from the addiction of pornography? How can the church help?

Homosexual Activity

Some societies that reject biblical authority also reject the biblical description of marriage. They say that people are free to choose a same sex relationship.

The Bible condemns homosexual activity.

► The group should look at Romans 1:26-27, 1 Timothy 1:10, and 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 together.

These three passages in the Bible include homosexual behavior in a list of some of the worst kinds of sins. The people who follow these sins reject the authority of God.

Some people claim that they naturally have homosexual tendencies. They say they should not be blamed for their behavior because they did not choose to have those desires.

The Bible teaches that every person has followed a natural tendency to sin (Isaiah 53:6). God calls us to repent of our own willful sin (Isaiah 55:7). Because we are born with a sinful nature, our natural desires cannot be trusted to lead us. A person may feel a strong natural tendency to commit fornication, or be violent, or steal, but the natural urge does not mean the desire is right.

Because of sexual desires, some unmarried people masturbate. To masturbate is to stimulate one’s genitals for sexual pleasure or to relieve sexual tension.

To use pornography or have willing sexual fantasies is sinful (Matthew 5:27-28, Matthew 15:19-20). The Bible does not specifically condemn masturbation itself as immoral. However, self-sex may lead to lustful thinking, pornography use, and fornication.

Masturbation is unwise also because it is addictive: the more you do it, the more you feel like you have to do it.

Compulsive masturbation also often points to a deeper issue, such as having emotional or relational problems, or having been sexually abused in the past.

► Students should read 1 Corinthians 6:12-13, 18-20 and 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 for the group.

God designed physical oneness in marriage to help unite a husband and wife emotionally and spiritually (1 Corinthians 6:16-20, Malachi 2:15).

Many… assume that masturbation can help them deal with being single until they get married. They fail to realize, however, that when the practice becomes habitual, it may threaten the beauty and intimacy of marital sex in the future.

Self-sex provides a sexual experience that misses the essential purpose of sex: the joining of two to become one flesh, physically and emotionally…. Masturbation should not be used as a substitute for healthy, normal sexual activity in marriage.[1]

What should an unmarried person do if masturbation is a problem in their life? Even if someone is masturbating only for the purpose of relieving sexual tension, it is still best to avoid it, because of the temptations that are present and because self-sex does not accomplish God’s purposes for sexuality.

• If there is any kind of immorality in their life, they must confess and forsake that sin. They should regularly and frequently give account of victories and failures to a godly older mentor who will pray for and advise them.

• If the masturbation is the result of emotional or relational problems, or past sexual abuse, getting counseling from a professional Christian counselor is appropriate.

A follower of Christ will be helped by:

1. Being confident that Jesus cares (Psalm 139:1-3, 1 Peter 5:6-10). He cares about your faith, your physical needs, and your purity. In his humanity, he victoriously endured the physical and mental temptations we face, and he has the grace we need to be victorious (Hebrews 4:14-16).

2. Not believing the devil’s lies (John 8:44). The devil may tell you that Jesus doesn’t care, or Jesus would take away the sex drive that is so frustrating to you (1 Peter 5:7-8). The devil may accuse you of being sinful because of having sexual desires (Revelation 12:10).

3. Focusing on Jesus Himself and praising him for who he is (Psalm 105:3-4). The devil would love to destroy your faith and your relationship with God through this test (John 10:10). But Jesus’ purpose for this test is that your faith will be strengthened, and that you will better be able to glorify him (1 Peter 1:5-9). When you focus on worshipping Jesus, he will be present to help you (Psalm 46:1).

4. Meditating on God’s Word (Psalm 119:9). Reading, listening to, and meditating on God’s Word will help you to stand victorious in time of temptation. When Jesus was tempted, he used scripture to overcome (Matthew 4). We must do the same.

5. Staying accountable to at least one mature and godly person (Galatians 6:2). Being open and honest with someone (your same gender) who is farther along the journey of faith than you are will be incredibly helpful. They will be able to pray for you and advise you. Talking with them about your struggles will help you to maintain purity and keep encouraged in your faith.

6. Serving others and focusing on their needs (Philippians 2:3-5). Fight against excessive concern about your own needs and desires by serving other people.

7. Getting married to a godly person in God’s time (Proverbs 5:15, 18-19).

Young people face strong temptations before they are married. It is important for them to remember that they need a life partner who can be faithful.[1] They should not consider a relationship with a person who wants to have short-term pleasure without marriage. They should not consider having a relationship with a person who is not a committed believer (1 Corinthians 7:39). They should consider only someone who will be a faithful marriage partner and a good parent.

A young person who wants to have a good marriage should be a faithful, committed follower of Christ so that the right kind of person will be attracted (Proverbs 3:4-8). A person demonstrates good character with appropriate behavior and modest dress (1 Timothy 2:9-10). People who behave carelessly with people of the opposite gender imply that they are willing to have a relationship based on the wrong desires (1 Thessalonians 4:1-7). A person who dresses in a way that causes wrong desires attracts the wrong kind of person (Proverbs 7).

God has given young people parents, pastors, and other Christian leaders to provide guidance in behavior, dress, and relationship choices. As young people submit to these leaders in obedience to God, they will have God’s greatest blessings and will be protected from much harm and temptation.

► A student should read 1 Peter 5:5 and Hebrews 13:17 for the group.

It is the responsibility of children and young people to submit to the wisdom and leadership of their parents and spiritual authorities. It is the responsibility of these leaders to help young people live victorious over temptation.

► A student should read Romans 13:14 and 1 Corinthians 10:13 for the group.

God does not allow believers to be in situations of temptation beyond what they are able to resist and escape if they are willing to. Young people are responsible to flee temptation (2 Timothy 2:22). However, parents should prevent their youth from experiencing unnecessary temptation as much as possible. There are at least three ways parents do this:

(1) By giving specific instructions about what the children should and should not do, who they should be with, and where they should go (Ephesians 6:1-4).

Parents should not allow their children to be in situations where their maturity will not be sufficient to protect them from temptation. For example, if a young man and young woman are alone in a private place, they will likely be tempted to wrong behavior.

(2) By keeping their young people accountable in areas of temptation.

(3) By giving young people biblical advice.

Parents should be helping their young people learn to consider situations with biblical principles in mind (Proverbs 4:1-9, Proverbs 7:1, 4-5). They should talk with their youth about the dangers that they see. They should help their youth consider the various choices that they will need to make. They can help their youth think ahead of time about how to avoid temptation and what to do when they do have temptations.

The church must be distinct from its culture when it defends biblical morality. Many cultures do not consider sexual sin to be serious. They expect young unmarried people to have sexual relationships before marriage. The church must not compromise with sin. The church should not assume that sexual sin among young people is normal. God says those who are immoral have no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ.

► Students should read Ephesians 5:3-7 and Hebrews 13:4 for the group.

The period of time when a relationship exists before marriage is not a time for a sexual relationship to begin. Instead it is a period of time when the man and woman make sure that they share the same spiritual and biblical priorities. It is a time when they develop an understanding of each other that enables them to trust each other enough to make a permanent commitment to one another. If they are not able to come to this trust of each other’s character, they should end the relationship and not marry.

People in some societies delay marriage because their culture expects marriage to be an elaborate, expensive ceremony. Many times, couples live together for years and have children while delaying marriage. For some couples, the expense of their wedding hurts them financially for long afterward because they spend everything they have for the wedding event and maybe even borrow money. The church should be a community of faith that provides a different model of marriage. Christian marriage is for a man and woman who are committed to each other and to God and should not require great expense that delays the wedding or hurts the couple’s future.

► What are some ways that Christian marriage should be different from the marriage customs of society?

Marriage is God’s plan for most people. However, the Apostle Paul described some reasons that people might not marry. In 1 Corinthians 7:26 he mentioned “the present distress”—difficult conditions of life that may have included persecution. He said it might be better not to marry in such conditions.

The same passage (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) says that an unmarried person has a special advantage. The unmarried person can focus on serving God without the concern of taking care of a spouse. When a person is called by God to focus on ministry without being married, he can be remarkably effective and blessed in his ministry.

There may be other reasons also that God may choose for a person to remain unmarried (Matthew 19:10-12). We should not assume that this is an unnatural situation. We should not assume that every unmarried person needs to be matched with someone. We should not assume that happiness and fulfillment depend on marriage (Psalm 107:9).

A person who is not married must be careful to avoid forming wrong relationships because of emotional and physical needs. God gives joy and contentment to the person who is fully devoted to him.

► Read 1 Peter 3:1-7 and Ephesians 5:22-33 together. The group should keep these passages open for examination during this discussion.

The man is told to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Jesus gave himself as a sacrifice for the church. The husband is to sacrifice his own benefits, comforts, and desires in order to meet the needs of his wife. 1 Peter 3:7 says that he should live with his wife in an understanding way, meaning that he is to do his best to understand her. He should study her in order to understand her needs.

The woman is called “the weaker vessel” in this passage. A wife needs consideration from her husband. He should protect her not only from physical harm but also from worry and emotional stress.

The wife is told to submit to her husband and to respect him. The wife is supposed to accept the leadership of her husband, even if the husband is not a believer. If she does this, her unsaved husband is more likely to become a believer.

It is important to remember how the commands in these verses are given. The husband is not told to enforce authority over his wife. The wife is told to obey her husband, but the husband is not told to make her obey. He is told to love his wife and sacrifice as necessary to take care of her. Likewise, the wife is not told to demand care from her husband; she is told to respect him.

The priority of the husband should not be to maintain his authority but to provide loving care. The priority of the wife should not be to demand care for herself but to respect her husband.

The apostle warns the husband that his prayers will be hindered if he does not care for his wife properly. That tells us that our behavior in marriage affects our relationship with God.

The Apostle John said that if a person does not love his brother, neither does he love God (1 John 4:20). Likewise, from the words of Paul and Peter we can see that a man who does not care for his wife as he should does not love God as he should. A woman who does not respect her husband does not respect God as she should.

► A student should read 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 for the group.

These verses tell us that one purpose of marriage is to satisfy sexual desires. The husband and wife have given themselves to each other and have given up their claim of ownership of their own bodies. That means that a married person should not expect to engage in sex only when he chooses but should also be responsive to the desires of the spouse. The verses do not tell us that a person can demand satisfaction against the will of the spouse. Instead, the verses are telling each to be responsive to the needs of the other.

This passage tells us that married people should not deprive each other of this privilege. A short time of sexual abstinence along with fasting is legitimate, but prolonged separation will cause temptation because of unsatisfied desires. Sometimes couples choose to be separated for several months or longer because one goes to work or study in a distant place. Before making such a decision, they should consider whether or not such a plan fits the plan of God. They may suffer problems because of the long separation.

One purpose of marriage is to create families that provide for their members.

► A student should read 1 Timothy 5:8 for the group.

This verse comes in a passage describing the responsibility of church members to take care of each other. A person’s first responsibility is his own family. A parent should make sure his child’s needs are provided, such as shelter, food, clothing, and education. A parent should do what he can to provide instead of leaving this responsibility to others.

The topics in this lesson will cause much discussion.

The students should try to apply the scriptural principles of this lesson to their situations.

► What is a truth about marriage that many people seem to forget?

► How could the church help young people who are struggling with the temptations of the world?

► How could the people of the church work together (beyond having Sunday school) to help with the challenge of training children to follow Christ?

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for your wonderful design of marriage. Help me to be faithful to your will in every stage of my life. Help me to be a good example of Christian faithfulness. Help me to encourage others to follow your will.

Help me to cooperate in the church to help families, youth, and children to be strong in faith and obedience.

Thank you for the privilege you give us to have relationships that you bless.

Amen

(1) If you are unmarried, write two paragraphs of commitment to obeying God’s principles for your premarital relationship and your future marriage. If you are married, write two paragraphs of commitment to obeying God’s principles for your marriage.

(2) Choose one or more topics from this lesson and write a page describing how a person would apply scriptural principles in your society.

Examples:

• Describe a Christian relationship between a man and woman who plan to marry in your society.

• Describe the behavior of a man or woman who wants to show faithfulness to a marriage in your society.