Lesson 4: Relationships

By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Apply the principles of love, peace, and respect in relationships with others.

(2) Embrace nine scriptural rules that enable a believer’s speech to bless others and glorify God.

In the fictional story Robinson Crusoe, a man survived a shipwreck at sea by swimming to an island. There he was alone for months. He built a shelter, made clothing, and learned how to find food. Then one day while walking near the sea he was shocked to see a human footprint in the sand. It meant that another person was there. He did not know if the person would be a friend or an enemy. He didn’t know anything about the person’s character, language, ethnicity, or reason for being there. He didn’t know how this person would change his life on the island. Because relationships greatly impact an individual’s life, Robinson experienced both hope and fear when he saw the footprint.

The first century church, made up of men and women, Jews and Gentiles, and people from many different social classes and cultures had to work through a number of conflicts. The Apostle Paul told them to welcome one another (Romans 15:7).

► Imagine a man alone on an island. Can he be patient with anyone? Can he forgive anyone?

You could not develop and show the Christian quality of patience without being in relationship with other people. You could not give forgiveness to others or be forgiven by others without relationships.

► What are some other Christian qualities and activities that require other people?

These things happen in relationships with other people. The qualities can be developed and demonstrated only in relationships. That means that our relationships with people have much effect on our spiritual development.

The Bible gives directions for different kinds of relationships. There are specific directions for relationships between husbands and wives, parents and children, employers and employees, pastors and churches, and elderly people and young people.

There are at least three principles in scripture that apply to any kind of human relationship: the principles of peace, love, and respect.

“Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” (Hebrews 12:14)

This verse states the importance of relationships very emphatically. Holiness is closely connected to pursuing peace with everyone.

► What are some things we should do to pursue peace with people?

To pursue peace, you will at least give every person the treatment that you owe (Romans 13:7). To those whom you owe gratitude, respect, or obedience, you must give it. If you don’t, you are guilty of causing conflict. If you fail to fulfill your responsibilities, keep your promises, or pay what you should to others, you are not pursuing peace. When you realize you have failed to give what you should, you should seek forgiveness and fulfill your obligations as much as you can.

But to pursue peace requires more than giving what you owe. It includes giving the love and kindness you do not owe.

► A student should read Titus 3:2-3 for the group.

We should be patient and forgiving, understanding that unconverted people tend to have wrong attitudes and wrong motives.

If you want peace, you will seek reconciliation when there is a conflict. You will be willing to forgive. You will not be quick to assume that peace cannot be restored. You will not easily accept a permanent separation.

Jesus said that you must go to the person who wronged you and explain to him what he has done (Matthew 18:15). If you consider the matter too small to be worth confrontation, then you should not tell others about it or hold resentment against the wrongdoer.

Sometimes people struggle with unforgiveness towards other believers who have done wrong against them. We may expect mistreatment from unconverted people, but it’s hard to understand when other believers do something wrong against us.

Jesus said that we must be willing to keep on forgiving even when people mistreat us repeatedly (Matthew 18:21-22). A common reason that people leave the church and give up spiritually is resentment of mistreatment from Christians. Resentment often comes before other kinds of spiritual failure.

When a person refuses to forgive, he puts an area of his life in resistance to God’s authority, for God requires us to forgive. (Read Ephesians 4:32.) That area becomes a territory from which Satan can affect other parts of the life. If a person refuses to forgive, he will soon be unable to resist temptations that seem totally unrelated.

The basis of every personal offense is our value of our rights. Because we believe we deserve certain treatment or respect, we are offended when we do not receive it. We believe we deserve better than we get.

The key to forgiving others is to understand redemption. To redeem means to buy back. Since God has redeemed us, we belong to Him, and our rights belong to Him. We must consciously yield our rights to God. You can pray, “Lord, I know that all my rights belong to you. I want you to take charge of them and give me only what you see is good for me to have.” Then, when people treat you well, you can thank God that He allowed that privilege to you. When someone treats you badly, you can remember that God has charge of your rights, and He saw that you could be better developed without having that right at that time.

By forgiving others, you are submitting to God and letting Him develop you as He chooses. This principle of surrendering your rights to God applies to every human relationship. (Other references to forgiveness include Colossians 3:13, Matthew 6:15, and Romans 12:19.)

The person to whom we owe nothing we still must treat with love. Because we have received grace, we are in debt to God. We cannot pay Him back. He has no needs, but He has told us to give to others the undeserved love that we have received.

“Owe no one anything except to love each other” (Romans 13:8).

Love is evidence that a person is a true believer.

If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen (1 John 4:20).

There is a special love among Christian believers, and Jesus takes personally your actions and attitudes toward other believers. He will say at the judgment, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me” (Matthew 25:40).

But Christian love is to be expressed not only toward other believers. In Matthew 5:44-45 Jesus said,

But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.

Some people find it difficult to be kind to those who offend them, but there is never an excuse to be rude. We are not to treat people as they deserve. We are to treat them with love and kindness whether they seem to deserve it or not (1 Corinthians 16:14). We need to remember that when we were unbelievers, we were not fit for God’s love, but He loved us anyway (Titus 3:2-3).

► If I offered you for free a $100 bill that is dirty and torn, would you want it? Would you reject it because it is dirty and torn?

You would take it because it has a value that does not depend on its condition.

Every person deserves respect because human beings are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). The image of God gives every person inherent value.

Some people may not have high intelligence. Some people lack skills, training, or something else that would make them successful or useful by ordinary standards. Yet they still have value because they were made in the image of God.

All people have this essential value, even if they've made themselves less valuable in other ways by their foolish choices. Those who have quit school without finishing, destroyed their health, or formed bad habits are still valuable as persons made in the image of God.

Because of the inherent value of the image of God in every person, respect should be demonstrated in every contact between people. Courtesy is the minimum.

Manipulation and deception are wrong, because everyone makes choices with eternal consequences and needs to know the real factors for a decision. To cause a person to do something right for the wrong reason is not a success, for he still hasn’t made the right choice.

As much as possible, we should treat people respectfully even when their behavior is wrong. Even correction of mistakes and punishment of wrongdoing (by those who have the proper authority to do it) are done with consciousness that we are dealing with immortal beings with something of God’s nature.

There should be abundant examples of applying these principles.

► Share and ask for examples of when someone made an effort to follow peace.

► Share and ask for a commitment from members to forgive those against whom they have had resentment.

► Ask for a situation when a person could show someone more love than they seem to deserve.

► Discuss what it means to treat a person with respect even when his behavior is wrong.

► There is an old statement that says, “The pen is more powerful than the sword.” What does that mean?

There is power in an idea, in persuasion, in communication. You can accomplish more by motivating people than by forcing them. An idea—a concept—can spread and influence many people.

The Bible talks about the power of words to do either good or harm (James 3). The plan of salvation is being finished by the power of the gospel, entrusted to human messengers.

How can we use our words to accomplish good and avoid harm? The Bible gives some principles.

(1) Don’t talk too much.

“A fool multiplies words...” (Ecclesiastes 10:14).

“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (Proverbs 10:19).

“Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent” (Proverbs 17:28).

So don’t talk too much. An excessive talker does not properly value either his own words or others’ words. He says things that he doesn’t really mean, and he assumes that other people do the same. He gives opinions without knowledge. You don’t have to give an opinion about something you don’t know; not every opinion is of equal value.

(2) Don’t speak before you think.

Don’t let your feelings cause you to make statements that you will regret.

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19).

“A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back” (Proverbs 29:11).

“Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly” (Proverbs 14:29).

(3) Don’t judge a situation at first sight.

“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13).

“The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him” (Proverbs 18:17).

Most conflicts are based on misunderstandings. Time and carefulness can usually resolve them. If someone with a reputation for honesty says something that seems wrong to you, don’t be quick to judge that person.

“Whoever meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears” (Proverbs 26:17).

(4) Be careful with humor.

Because of the effect that words can have, uncontrolled humor is like a weapon in the hands of a crazy man.

“Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I am only joking!’” (Proverbs 26:18-19).

Don’t cause people to make serious mistakes because of believing your joke. Don’t tell them you are serious when you are not—they will not believe you again. Don’t make fun of defects that people can’t help. Don’t joke about someone’s failures. Don’t tell jokes that make sin seem trivial.

► What are some other wrong uses of humor?

(5) Don’t say it to the wrong person.

“Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered” (Proverbs 11:13).

“For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases” (Proverbs 26:20).

Something may need to be said, but you may not be the right person to say it. You should not say it in the place of the authority who ought to say it.

Do not spread information about people’s mistakes.

People will not trust you with personal information if they think you will tell others.

“Argue your case with your neighbor himself, and do not reveal another’s secret” (Proverbs 25:9).

A coward tells his cause to the wrong people instead of following the procedure in Matthew 18:15-17.

(6) Be careful with criticism.

There is a right time and way to criticize.

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend...” (Proverbs 27:5-6a).

Make sure your criticism is intended to build, and not to destroy. You should demonstrate that you care about them and want to help. Usually a healthy relationship is necessary before your criticism can help.

(7) Don’t deceive.

“Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices” (Colossians 3:9).

Deception fits in the sinful life, not in the Christian life.

“Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight” (Proverbs 12:22).

(8) Keep your speech pure.

“Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving” (Ephesians 5:4).

Don’t tell about past or present scandals except when appropriate to officially deal with a situation. Don’t tell jokes that you must tell secretively. People of the world commonly use sexual terms or terms for private body parts in their exclamations, but that is not appropriate for a believer. It is irreverent to use terms referring to God or Jesus as an exclamation in a time of stress, unless you are sincerely calling upon God for help.

(9) Don’t divide people with your words.

“A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends” (Proverbs 16:28).

“There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him... [the seventh] one who sows discord among brothers” (Proverbs 6:16, 19).

Don’t try to make yourself look better at another’s expense. Don’t cause conflict between others. Don’t hurt the effectiveness of someone’s ministry by gossip.

Before speaking, consider not only “Is it true?” but also “Why should I say it?”

Conclusion

A believer should be willing to apologize if he realizes he has done harm with his words. He should be willing to correct anything that he said if he realizes it was not accurate.

Harmful and offensive words from others do not justify wrong words from you.

There are some errors in speech that you can gradually improve. For example, you can learn to think before speaking. There are other errors that show a problem in the heart, such as the desire to hurt someone with your words. If you are guilty of that kind of speech, you need to ask God to forgive you and to cleanse your heart of that tendency.

Your speech reveals much about your heart (Luke 6:45). Don’t damage your Christian testimony by speaking in a way that is not consistent with Christian values.

Your speech can bless those around you. Most ministry consists of communication. The effect of your words can be greatly increased if you follow biblical principles.

► Most people see the faults of others’ speech, but not their own. The leader could share an example of a time when he failed to follow one of these principles or could admit which one he is weakest in.

► Ask members to choose a principle they are weak in and to commit to improving with God’s help.

Heavenly Father,

Help me to live by the scriptural principles of peace, love, and respect in all my relationships.

I want to be forgiving to those who do wrong against me. Help me to seek reconciliation with those who are in conflict with me.

Help me to respect every person because they were made in your image. Help me to remember the effects that my conversation can have, and to take responsibility for my words. I want my words to accomplish good and not harm.

I want my testimony for you to be respected.

Thank you for the privilege of communicating your truth.

Amen

(1) Read James 3. Observe the great potential of conversation described here. In verses 13-18 notice how speech flows naturally from the person’s spiritual condition. Read Ephesians 4:25-32. Write a paragraph prayer in response to these scriptures.

(2) Study Ephesians 5:22–6:9. List and explain the specific directions for behavior in various relationships. Write an explanation of how these directions are related to the principles of love, peace, and respect discussed in this lesson.

(3) Pick three of the following questions. Write a paragraph answering each one of them:

• What are the practical implications of the fact that God has called us to pursue peace in our relationships?

• Why is forgiveness of others essential to maintaining one’s salvation?

• What does it mean for a person to give their rights to God?

• What is the motivation for our love for others who may be undeserving?

• How should the fact that all people are made in the image of God affect our relationships with others?